It's Not Too Late to Be the Dad Your Kids Need

Your kids don't need a perfect dad, they need a present one. Hey, my name is Justin Franage. Welcome to another episode of Rebuilding Life After Addiction. If you want weekly content that equips you as a father and a leader, hit the subscribe button to stay connected. I want to talk to you today. We want to talk about leading while you're still healing, specifically in the realm of being a parent, right? because I think a lot of times people come out of this lifestyle addiction and if they've got if they've got a rough pass, they almost feel disqualified from following or being fathers. what I'm saying? And so, let me ask you a question about that. Why do you think men feel disqualified from fatherhood after they've gone through some of the stuff that you and I have gone through? And to be clear, you and I have got two different stories when it comes to that. You had children, right, while you were active in your addiction. I didn't get married and have kids until after I got clean. And so I've had to learn the whole fatherhood thing, from a different angle than what you had to learn it from. So just curious your take on that, man. I got both. I got married, had more kids after. But, I think one of the biggest things for men coming out of what we've come out of is the fact that the guilt and the shame of what they cuz like I had two kids. The one was two when I went away to prison and Brooke was 12. So, Bailey was just a baby. She didn't really get put through a lot that cuz who remembers when they're two years old? I don't remember. But Brooke went through a whole lot. So it's like I had the guilt and the shame of what she went through and what I put her through. It almost makes you feel like how can I even step in and try to be a dad and discipline and do anything because of what I already destroyed. destroyed. destroyed. Yes. Yes. Yes. what ? So you have all that past weight on you and trying to forgive yourself and look at how you failed and you seen what you did here. So it's like how does that even look here trying to parent now what I wasn't good at first. That's really hard. Yeah. And in that I literally just had to I remember having the conversation and they probably didn't understand it then but was like okay I have to put God first because I can't fix all of that I done but I can show you through growing with him how I'm going to become a better dad and a different person. And that's going to take time. Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, it has. still there's we've still rebuilding some of the relationship from time to time that we went through. It's not easy and I know it's not easy on her end having to forgive me for not being a dad and going to prison and leaving. so it but you still have to step in and take authority as a parent. Yeah, that can be really hard. It's like out of guilt, you want to let them get away for everything, right? right? right? You don't want to correct them on anything cuz what ? It's like it's this hard battle and struggle to deal with all the while you're trying to let God create in you what he's trying to do. It's a hard battle. We would see that at Teen Challenge a lot when guys staff would come in, interns or whatever, and they wouldn't correct students over things, they should be correcting them on. And a lot of times it was because there was this insecurity either because they didn't feel qualified to correct or because they were still doing something themselves that they shouldn't be doing and how can I correct you for that when I'm still doing XYZ. Now there's a difference when it comes to parenting because like our responsibility and our obligation is to lead, right? Like we're required to do that as parents whereas in a job like we'll get the promotion when we're ready for it. A lot of times when you're a parent, like you're doing it whether you're ready for it or not, it's it's there. And so you made a statement I had to step in and lead and be that father when I really wasn't even ready for it yet. Like when I was still growing, I was still working some things out. And so what does that look like leading in the context of your family while still working through your past? Like how did you wrestle with that along the way? letting just letting him have it like letting him have control and do that in me while still fighting. And I didn't do it right all the time. Like I'm just being honest. I know there's times where, my one of my kids would act up and I would step back and not correct because I'm man, it's probably because of what I did before or how I was. But I eventually got to a point where I'm what? I just have to take that role. Like you said, I might not be ready, but I have the role. I am that. And I'm going to show them what I should have shown them before. No matter how hard of a fight that is to go through it because I want to lead them rightly now, and even for the rest of my family, my mom and all them who they never went to church, they didn't understand this. So now I'm trying to live this way that's completely different. And they were "You're in a call. You're this." Yeah. I know this is what God's asking me to do. Yeah. Leadership is whether it's in the family or whether it's in a job or whatever, like leadership is a refining process. The act of leading, the act of leading what wherever we're leading, it grows us, right? And I think sometimes we do make that mistake of thinking, I've got to have it all fixed before I lead, right? And now I understand there are ministry-wise there are things disqualifying from leadership but in this context like know I it doesn't matter what I did yesterday like if I'm parenting I've got to lead today I've got to make this decision and I love Satie it cracks me up man because we were one time having a conversation about running out her running out in the street or whatever right and having that conversation about, hey, you need a first time obedience, right? And if I'm in my insecurity and I'm dealing with some stress because I made a bad poor decision as a parent a few hours ago and well, I don't know if I should correct her and stop her from running out into that street. I it's going to do irreparable damage to her life. And so, we don't need to be fixed, right, before we step in and lead. we need to just we'll work it out along the way. but it also there's a part of being honest, like just not pressing for perfe for not pressing for perfection, but being willing to just be honest about where we're at in this journey. Okay, I know I've made some mistakes, but I'm working on it, know, know, and the reality is for our kids, whether or not they fight it and they argue with and they say it, or now you're going to try to this, the reality is they need it, right? whether they like it or not in the moment and ultimately later on will thank you for it. Yeah. But you have it's it's the appar I had this conversation a lot me and my wife we talk about things and the way of not being mean or gossip but like the way other people parent and sometimes it's like who's the adult, right? so you we are the parent and the adult and we just have to set the guidelines that we know will protect them like you're saying all that like we have to sit them no matter whether they hate us for it for a while or not and no matter what they throw up in our face, we just have to stand on it and stand on what we know our morals and principles and values and not budge and that's not easy. It's not. But you have to begin to do it and eventually it will come around. Yeah. that is that honesty. So, what does it look like when like that whole process like I think being willing to apologize when we're wrong, right? Even as parents, even as dads. we had an issue the other day, we're actually in my garage right now, which is a studio. I shouldn't have said that cuz I get rid of the illusion, but like since we moved in, one of the things I've said over and over is "Hey, let's just not make this a place where things get dumped. Let's not throw boxes in here." I came home the other day before I got it all finished and there were like 10 new boxes in the space and it just got under my skin. It frustrated me and I got I don't yell but I get snippy. what I'm saying? I'm not much of a yeller me and it's the time that I have and I overreacted in front of both my older daughters and my wife. I reacted toward my wife in front of my older daughters and I walked away and just let it go. went to sleep that night and the next morning I woke up and I really felt bad about it. Like that was an overreaction. Apologized to Ashley and I went into the room with my girls and I said, "Hey, listen. What I did yesterday was wrong. I shouldn't have reacted like that. I apologize." And of course, both of them responded, "Oh, Dad, we know you didn't really mean anything. You were just frustrated. It is what it is." I'm "Okay, great. I appreciate you giving me the benefit of the doubt, but I'm so sorry." And it is that process of a authentic apology, right? What would you say a real apology looks like? what points, right, does it need to have because I think sometimes people have this way of passively apologizing. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you made me feel that way versus having authentic apologies. like what I did was wrong. I'm laughing because my son Joe, we just had it happen again. He's got a way of apologizing too. Just like sorry. what ? He don't mean a bit of it. what ? He's just only doing it because we're telling him to do it. Like and I had to get him five times and he still wouldn't do it. I'm "Okay, then you can go sit in your room cuz you're not going to apologize, right?" right?" right?" and so there is a way that we can, and if you're like me, you said it too, like I have a body language or got snippy in my tone versus whatever. But I think that's key because my parents never apologized, right? right? right? They would just let it go. you just didn't talk about it anymore once it happened, . And I'm I'm growing in the fact of trying to do that. My wife even yelled at Joe the other day when he did something and she went back in the room and sat with him. She's "Buddy, no. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have yelled like I did." Right. Right. Right. and I know you did something wrong, but mommy still needs to have a better reaction. Yeah. And I'm sorry that I overreacted that way, just like you're saying you did. So there just needs to be a sincerity of taking ownership of the part we did wrong. Not saying that what they did was okay, but genuinely I should have responded better. Yeah. Well, and how are they going to come to us with their problems and their mistakes if they feel like we're perfect and we don't make any? Because they certainly know we're not perfect, right? But if we never acknowledge like our struggles and whatnot, like where is the basis for conversation with our kids? what I'm saying? when they start to need that counsel and that guidance. so there's this process right after honesty like honesty certainly does rebuild trust not just being honest in our words but our actions too right and promises especially I know for me I didn't have kids but I know for me with the people in my life when I first got clean my promises meant nothing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Took a while before that happened. My word didn't mean anything. And it was that being honest not only in my words but in my actions that started to rebuild trust with people right and so I want to talk about that process like rebuilding trust. So what did that look like for you? were there's was there anything that was helpful for you rebuilding trust with the people in your life? you talked about not fighting back, putting the scripture in your shoes, going to court, not returning. You were being yelled at but not yelling back. what I'm saying? Like what did it what were you doing on the daily to rebuild trust with all those people in your life? life? life? Well, one internally I accepted and understood what you just said because I'd been a cycle my life forever. And we always as soon as we start doing good and we know we're getting better, we want everybody else to feel that way too and treat us like everything's okay and they're not there yet, right? what ? And so having an understanding settled in my heart that I'm not doing this so they'll treat me better. I'm doing this so I'm better. Like I'm not doing this for them to respond. And then if they don't treat me fine, if they don't trust me again, I'm okay. I'm not doing it for them to trust me. I'm doing it to change who I am. Right. That's good. Yes. Yes. Yes. I tell people all the time like just because you went through a program and you're good, don't think you can go home and mom's not going to follow you around and check on you and check your phone. How long did it take you consistently showing up, consistently doing the things that you needed to be doing for you to start to feel like you had rebuilt some trust in your relationships? relationships? relationships? With my oldest daughter, it took a while years. and even with my family, there's even now 15 this whatever 20 to be 15 years for me. still some of my family doesn't think it's real. and I'm okay with that. like that's their choice. But I think it took a good two or two and a half years before I really people started like relaxing a little bit. bit. bit. Yeah, it takes a while, man. I remember with my mom like I it took probably four to five months after me being home and being consistent and her knowing that I wasn't going to relapse before I could like ask for the car keys cuz I was younger. I moved back into the house, didn't have a vehicle and all that yet. and it took several months before hey, I need to know when you're coming, when you're going, etc., etc., until like they started to trust me again. And then learning what it looks like to show up for people and showing up practically, right, on a day-to-day basis consistently. And what I've learned is that looks different depending on who I'm engaging with. Like showing up for my wife, it can be as simple today as putting my phone down when she's talking to me. like something that simple like tells her that she's got my attention when she's communicating. It's important. And for each of my kids, showing up for them means something different, right? They're not all going to respond the same way, but it does take being present enough to know what that looks like and know that, like showing up may not be the same depending on who we're engaging with, . So, what was that like for some of the people in your life? How did you flesh that out? Like what does it look like to show up for people? It's exactly what you described. Like you have to first give them attention and be intentional to know who they are. because each one is different. Both of my kids are completely different. you think about I don't know if you ever went through the love language book or whatever with the marriage. It's a good book. If nobody's ever done it in their marriage, do it to like really understand how people receive love and attention. and it's not the same way we do. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But we want to love everybody the way we receive it, but it's not the case. And so, like you said, you have to be present enough and give enough attention to know who they are to find out the way that they really will feel like you're spending time with them. And it is for my wife. I know cuz I hear I'm not perfect at it. When she's talking, I do need to put the phone down. I've learned if I can do that, it's much better. And she receives that like I'm paying attention to her, ? know? know? Yeah. Ashley and I watched a movie together one night and and I was on my phone the entire movie and it was like afterwards like she got frustrated. She's "You didn't spend any time with me this evening." What do you mean? I was in the room with you watching the movie. Watch the whole thing. you were on your phone the whole time. And I didn't even realize it because I just would pick it up, put it down, not even but I did spend most of the movie, you either looking, scrolling through Facebook or whatever, just mindlessly doom scrolling as they call it, . And it took me a little bit afterwards to realize that like no like my connection in that moment my was my full attention. And even though I wasn't staring at her, listening to her intentively and her m in that moment for her it was important that I was focused on the movie. we were enjoying together. that's the thing. I think you said it earlier, being present, even for somebody like me, like I'm full on Jesus all the time, no matter where I'm at, evangelizing, like it and it sounds bad to say it that way, but like there's just times where I realize, hey, what ? God wants me to make sure to for them to know that they're important, too. So every time that we go out everywhere, I don't have to be focused on leading a bunch of people and looking for somebody to pray for. Right. It's intent. And that's been a struggle for me. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because it's such a hard call and passion that I have and it's just who I am. But there again, like it's not about me. me. me. It's making sure they feel love too. And so it's denying myself and what I want to do. Even though that's a good godly thing, if it's encompassing time within, God still like he's he's had to tell me, "Son, I want you to do that." Yeah. Be intentional with them, too. That's your first ministry. There's always going to be lost. Make sure you take care of them. And so, and personally know, I've been on a two probably a two-year journey of trying to do better in that and saying no. no. no. Yeah. and being home is being I started last year with every other weekend I'm a traveling evangelist so I could book 52 weekends a year but I decided cuz I thought I did well at it the first year I tried to do this and I told you I sat down with my wife and I'm like I think I did well this year honey she was like you were home seven Saturdays I don't think it was that many track oh yeah she wrote down cuz I told her I said I hold me accountable on this I thought I did good and she's like honey there's seven on the calendar. We have this family calendar. She "Look at it. There's seven that you were home." Yeah. 52. That's not good. So, I made a commitment to make sure I'm there at least one, if not two. I try to do two weekends of my home, and to be intentional, I put I make sure I'm there in the morning to put my kids on the bus and I usually give them baths. Like there's just certain things that I try to do that I can't do everything, but I can help her and that makes her feel, like I'm paying attention to her. I'm helping out being dad. And then also it lets them know that there's certain things dad does with me, right? right? right? Yeah. That's good. And the cool thing, man, is like as we start to figure this out as parents, and I'm I'm learning, right, every day, four girls in the house, like God is patient with us as our father, right? And so like I think that I think there's that process of like God teaches us how to father by his example, by how he treats us, how he responds to us and whatnot. And patience, right, being the key factor there. Like we have patience with our children. We don't have to react. We don't have to overreact. and sometimes it might take them a little bit to get something but it takes me a while to get things sometimes too. And so I take his example and then I try to apply that as the blueprint right for how I parent. And sometimes I get it right, sometimes I blow it, but I was acknowledging this the other day, man. I I was in my oldest is learning to drive and we did the whole first parking lot experience, in the carice, didn't really go anywhere and just like wanting part of me is wanting to grab the wheel and part of me is wanting to no, don't slam the brake on so hard, but then the other part of me is what, we're in a big wide open parking lot. It's okay. I'm give her some time to figure this out. She's going to feel their way through it. But then afterwards, it really hit me, dude, because like she's 16. She's learning to drive. And like I started to think about what I was doing when I was 16. Amen. Amen. Amen. And the goodness of God really just like covered me in that moment, ? It was just man, like God taught me a lot in that moment like the curse has been broken. what I'm saying? It was just really such a cool thing. And a few of them with my older ones, moving out and different things and I can remember with Carly like and we wasn't in a good spot in our relationship. She had moved out. It didn't go well. Like there was just a bunch of things and of course as parents we want to live in a certain way especially Christians. what ? And so there was that whole battle and she's 18 wanting to do her own thing and I had them moments too and I was going to I'm the only one that had a truck and she needed help moving and so she's like ask mom to ask me would dad help me move and she's expecting me to pull up being like hey telling her this and that and as I was driving there to get the stuff and help her the Lord did that to me remember where you were at 18 and how you were doing and I was "Oh, Lord Jesus." Way worse. And so I pulled up and I just said, "Hey, like and I don't get them all right. This one I got right. I was "Hey, what? I'm proud of you." And she's "What?" I'm "You are doing way better than I ever did at 18. You're responsible. You got a job. You got yourself an apartment. I'm I'm just proud of you." Yeah. even though if you're not doing everything that I would do at this moment, you're doing way better than I would ever imagined at 18. And I did that. So, I'm just proud of it. And like sometimes I get them right. Like sometimes I fail them miserably, but there's been moments I think one of the biggest things, another mentor of mine told me this about disciplehip, but it flows right into parentship. Like this is a really good little oneliner advice. Like you have to give your kids permission to be themselves. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like they're not you. You can't make them into you and do exactly everything you would do. You can have the guidelines and the rules, but somewhere in there you got to just let them be. Let them be comfortable to be them. Yep. Yep. Yep. No matter what that looks like. Yeah. Yeah. But we were having some and it says conversations that matter too cuz we were having some conversation the other day and like I don't want like if my kids want to push back on the scripture like or they're they're struggling or they're wrestling with something themselves like I don't want to just shut them down in that. what I'm saying? Like cuz my as a teacher, pastor, whatever like my initial is like to just correct the error like right out as they're figuring something out. Yeah, that's me. But it's like slowing down and saying, "Here's how I see it. Here's what I see as truth." But also giving them some time to work that out. Because the way I see it is that like if they can work through those thoughts and then come to the truth on their own, it's going to be a lot more substantial than if I just immediately correct right out of the gate. Chloe was talking to me about an interaction she was having with somebody, and the person had said some things and whatnot and I understood the perspective the person was saying those things to her and but she was "No, I don't think it was right." yada. And I let her get it out. And then I said, "Okay, I'm not saying you're wrong, but let me just pitch this side of it and just let you think through that." And you could see her pause in that moment. And she started to think about both sides of the coin. Here's my perspective. Here I see it. And here's how the other perspective. And she started to think through that. I love those moments, where it's just slowing down, being patient, listening, hearing her out, but then also then giving her the other side of that equation so that she can critically think through it and then figure out, what the truth is. So, as we wrap up this conversation, what give me a moment with your kids that has shaped how you lead. So, we've talked about leading while healing, right? A lot of this conversation has really been about, we're works in progress. We're figuring this out as we go. Like there's there's a need for honesty. It's consistency that's going to matter, right? When with our kids, we're not going to have it all together. But what's a moment with your children, man, that is like really shaped how you lead. Oh, wow. You put me on the spot there. You good at that. He's always put me on the spot. I'm in the process of it right now, I think. and I've talked to you and she probably wouldn't mind me sharing some of it but Carly that left I was talking about she ended up getting another boyfriend or whatever and things didn't work out and she wanted to come home and it's like what do you do in that situation I have my morals and standards at my home and so I keep them and I'm like you can't you got to have place to come home but you can't bring your boyfriend to live with you here. we won't compromise on that. We love you and you're welcome to come back if he can figure something else out, but unless you're married, you can't come back. And then a week later, she calls me. He's "Well, what if we get married?" I'm "Oh, "Oh, "Oh, yes." Abs, and but like the immediate part of my flesh wanted to say it's too soon. They're ready for that. don't do it just because, don't do it just because you need a place to stay and we like talked to her about that stuff, but we said at the same time, but if this is what you're already talking about, and the Lord had to check me. He's this is what you've been praying for. for. for. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. and it's not only will I take her back, then I'm going to marry him and then have him come in as my son-in-law and live with us. And that's always not always easy. He's got a total different background. what ? It's like God's "This is what you've been praying." Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, me and my wife sat down and we prayed and we talked about it and it's "Okay, well, don't just go to the courthouse then. we'll marry you." and so I got to marry her. her. her. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. At her house in a little small thing and they moved in. And I'm telling you what, like honestly, and I hope she sees this because I've told her saw my wife the other night. It's been really good. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like it has and and some pastors might be "But you can't do that. Should the marriage?" They weren't ready. Like I sat down with them and had conversations "If you're going to do this, don't go to courthouse. Put God in the middle." Yeah. And just let him be there and learn and grow. Do what ? And I don't know like you're just going to have to I'll help you. And I've been able to just there's just been a grace in the house since we've done that. when it's like don't it's it's interesting there, right? Because like I think it's there's a really good takeaway there. Don't set a standard if you're not willing to keep it because you said you can't let you didn't say you can't move in with me. You said you can't move in with me unless you get married. So they made the unless you happen. what I'm saying? Yeah. And it's like now what? Right. And so we sometimes do that though, right? We set these standards out there thinking people won't follow through with them and then when they do follow through with them like we get called onto the carpet like okay now I've got to like stick to my word here and that's a good takeaway for parents right cuz sometimes you stick to it have the right attitude in it that's where like that's where I'm trying to that's where I'm saying I think I'm doing a somewhat decent job I hope anyway the Lord will let me know if I'm not but of cuz you could do it and then have a bad attitude not like him and not want to do, but we've really me and him have really talked a lot. We've we've shared a lot. I They've helped a lot. We've been able to help guide them some and help them make decisions. And it's man, if I would have just been "Oh, no, you can't get married now. Let's do and had that like I wouldn't have the opportunity not only to help my daughter get back with Christ, but him too, right?" right?" right?" and if that's the man she chose, as a parent, where you'll find out later on when they get older, older, older, Yeah. You would like for them to choose a person, but when we were young, we chose who we wanted to choose. And you can't make them not do that, right? What better way but help both of them grow. now they're starting to go to church and they hadn't come to our church yet. They've been going to the church with their grandma, which praise God, like they weren't in church. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. One month ago. Now they're going to church every Sunday with grandma. It's praise God, they're in the right direction. So, I'm hoping that what we was able to do leading right was showing the grace of God. Yeah. The mercy and love of God and wanting Yes. Do the right thing and get married and just make a step. Yeah. Embrace that with grace and we'll love you through it and we'll help you, . And it's I'm hoping that we're showing the grace of God. That's so good. I think that too it's it's letting your yes be yes and your no be no. And that's and there's something going somewhere with this. That's one of the issues I think we definitely coming out of addiction struggle with. We are not trustworthy. Our word means nothing. And then when we say no, especially afterwards, like there's almost like if I've made a mistake with somebody and then I like I feel like I need to people please that person afterwards. And so, and then if I say no, it's like I need to explain my no versus just saying it, letting it be what it is. And it's like you had that conversation, you set a standard, and then you stuck to it, and now you're figuring the rest of it out right now. But it's that difference of wait, your word meant something now, right? No, you can't move in unless you get married. Okay, Dad, I'll get married. And then when she did, you didn't press her. you didn't like change, right? You didn't move the finish line somewhere else afterwards. and I think that's a big deal, right? It's it's that process like your word now means something and you follow through with it. And I think that's a huge part of doing this. It's it's not being perfect. It's just being present, right? And then it's making our word actually mean something to people around us. I'm what most people including her will know. So maybe she'll watch this and know. And I've tried to tell her, but sometimes them opportunities, . I was in the very beginning with her. She was eight when me and Karina got married. what ? I was out of prison and going through my healing like we was talking about. And I probably got a lot more wrong than I did right with her. I probably was way too strict and blunt and not apologizing enough and my there's a lot of things I could have done a whole I could still do things way better. But we also had Joe and Caleb who are six and seven that we've adopted and they've gotten the newer, more improved version of dad loving and leading rightly than she did. what ? And so for me, I just think, wow, what a full circle way to help cuz I'm sure she's probably well, Joe and Caleb get you, you're way more patient with them. And and so I think this is even a way of like helping reconcile some of that. Yeah, that's good. Now being able to give her even and him some of the more improved version of Christ in me. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Than what I could in the early days. And so, and we were really close in the early days, but I really wasn't parenting and leading as well as I do now. I'm not I wasn't as affirming with her as I am with our boys. I wasn't as present as I am with them. So, now it's like I get to be Yeah. So, for me, it's even what I didn't see coming was man. It's even a chance to help do that better again. Yeah. That's really good. That's a great way to wrap it up. What a phenomenal story. It's just the encouragement, man. Thank you guys for watching and just a reminder that your presence beats perfection. You don't have to have it all worked out. you're going to God's going to continue to heal you while you're leading and you're going to get an opportunity to see his grace and see his hand, in your life as you just continue to show up and just be present and just do what you can with what you have. That's that's all your kids can ask. They really just want you there. So, hey, thank you guys for watching. Rob, thank you for jumping in and it's been a good conversation and we'll see you again soon.