It Wasn’t the Addiction - It Was My Attitude That Kept Me Stuck

[Music] [Music] [Music] when you going through it the hardest part I tell people all the time the hardest part is dealing with yourself it's not the withdrawals it's dealing with yourself and all the mess that you have packed in there for all those years hey what's up y'all it's Pastor Justin franic here rebuilding life after addiction and thank you for jumping in and U man I got a couple guests with me today I got Jesse and Ashley here how you guys doing today we're doing great doing all right yeah so we just finished some class man here at the center and we're going to be on we talked about person relationship with others for the last several days it felt like a marathon session of teaching but really wanted to talk today about how to build great friendships and I think when it comes to recovery and when it comes to this journey out of addiction one of the things that I've I've held on to and I think I said it seven times in class the last two days is that like your friendships will make or break you like and I am so like I'm so passionate about that in regards to like encouraging like really evaluating great relationships and your friendships in your life because I think it's going to determine your Su success or failure when it comes to stay in the course and so maybe let's just start out man and just ask you guys jumping into this if you've ever had a friendship that has either impacted your life directly in a positive or negative manner either way but kick off the conversation maybe with a story if you guys either one of you guys want to jump in yeah I had some relationships that affected me in a positive way I had people in my life pastors and people in programs that I were that I was in they show me the way that they were walking by like they were leading by example and they was holding me accountable and as a man I didn't like to be held accountable I was like well they're just picking out all my flaws but they're really trying to help me yeah but oh negative too negative as well friends and family where I had relationships with them and like they were doing things like denying Jesus right and by the thing by their actions the way they were doing and it was hard to have faith around them yeah to show them like through my faith through in Jesus so yeah it went both ways now how long how far along in your faith Journey were you during that season when you were starting to experience some of that oh I was still a babe okay I was still a babe I still wanted to be cool and fit in with everybody yeah but at the same time I still wanted to follow Jesus like I wanted to have one F foot in and one foot out so yeah and that can really pull the wind out of yourselves can it yes it really can when you like you're you're excited and you get this like Stark reality that not everybody's as excited about Jesus as you are yeah almost like it's almost like opening a gift at Christmas as a kid and you get it and you're really excited about it then you're like hey play this game with me and no and like it's just like the whole thing just deflates but yeah man so Jesse what about you have any friendships that have impacted your life positive negative and what mine's been mostly negative growing up everybody I hung out with was mainly on the street and they never had nothing good to say towards me it's always hey man let's let's go get high always lead me the wrong direction I wanted to go do the right thing but I was trying to fit in and do right and they was supposed to be my friends I was like they ain't no harm to it they ain't going to make they going to make sure I'm all right so I would go do what they did and it just L it just led the one thing after another it's been mostly negative yeah wasn't no after a while after got older I figured out they wasn't my friends but yeah so we talk Ashley you said you had so you had two different examples that you shared you said there were some times where you had some people that were speaking life into you yes and then there was some a time in your life when you had folks that were almost yanking the wind out of your sales y so what shifted right to get from that point where you had the people you were able to silence those voices and start to listen to the proper like theall walk us through that process I think really it was just like experiencing the longer that I walked with the Lord and actually it took for my dad to pass away he was a great example and Ro model for me and he was the chairman Deacon of the church and he passed and then it came to I came to a realization that hey I need to get this thing right and no matter what nobody else thinks and just that alone was like well I don't care what nobody else says whether it's cool or not I know this works for me and it's been working and every time that I was listening to the right people in my life my path was so much better than what it was when I was trying to please people in the world and it night and day yeah what is that about that like on men we like to pretend that we're like self-reliant yeah and we don't care what everybody else think like we got this rugged so we can have this like rugged individualism really more like outwardly it's just me against the world I don't care what anybody else thinks forget about it no at all but like it all but yet we really do care right like you said you were talking about your friends yeah like man they got me these are my what I'm saying I felt you they supposed to be my friends yeah it's crazy it's it seems to be experience that knocks us down so as you start to look at friendships going forward man how has your past the experiences that you share you see I said most of your experiences have been negative what are you looking at going forward good I want I see that myself in the future being a man of the Lord now and trying to help people that's been in situation that I used to be in and I and since I was in that situation I'd be able to help them out of it like look man this I took this path that you're on right now let's try this because I know what's at the end of that road so before you even get started but let's stop right here at the Crossroad and let's turn around and go back so I can help you get on a different path here because this is not the road you want to take you might think you want to but it ain't so do you struggle at all man or fear a little bit like the risk are going back no sir no not at all so why I'm tired of it I don't want no more of it it's just a lot of tough dark days and nights that I've been through and it just ain't fun no more what I thought used to be cool as fun and fun is no longer cool and fun no more especially since I experienced the good side of the what I'm going towards now I like it better than what I used to do the past that's good Ashley you said as you went forward like after losing your dad right and starting to look for those mentors are strong leaders right and what was the Lord doing in you during that season like and what were you starting to see in other people and that really started making you outward for healthy friendships for healthy connections I actually started seeing what they were trying to do the whole time they were trying to help me and tell me things that was for my good even though I didn't want to hear it was what I needed to hear and a lot of these role models were male figures they were older and so since I didn't have a dad telling me these things I was looking for answers at other like through other people and these were positive role models in my life and I was like well maybe they're right maybe I should try this and listen yeah so listening to them it definitely helped me see things different and get a different opinion and a perspective what a godly man should be and who a real friend is yeah keeping good friendships man I I Heard a quote I share a funny quote all the time and I don't know who I stole it from somebody I didn't make it up yeah but it said everybody talks about Jesus doing Miracles but nobody talks about the miracle of Jesus having 12 friends in his 30s what and like it's funny but it's also like oh that's not funny because it's like it seems whether it be busyness of life whether it be personal struggles what every season of life has different challenges and it almost is like in every season the enemy either wants to keep us connected to toxic and unhealthy people that are going to pull us down or cause us to drive away from everybody and end up isolating right and so like how vital how vital do you see healthy Godly friendships for you moving forward in this recovery Journey right in order to be able to stay the course it's like it's one thing to say that I know I should have them right but like how vital do you see that as a part of your success are you still working it out and getting there mentally you can be completely open and honest on that one well I think it's very vital it's at times I feel like it's not because I get in my own way a lot but I think it's very vital because if I go out there and I don't have an accountability group there very likely I could fall I think somewhere it says that and I'm paraphrasing this where lack of counsel the people will fall and so I think it is important to keep myself surrounded by those types of people just to keep me stable and grounded and just to have somebody to talk to and call on yeah so you said something there just I want to H in on this I'm G get to you just a second Jesse but we and you're welcome to chime in at any time too but like we were we talked about in our curriculum today like becoming a good friend mhm so like there's always been access I would assume it sounds like in your life you always had the opportunity yes I think sometimes it's easy to slip into victim mode nobody cares about me I don't have access to anybody nobody's looking out for me what I'm saying there's nobody that's trying to come help me more than it is saying man I've had access to all of this like the prodal and I've absolutely squandered it yeah right and that realization almost can really make us start pursuing it was a big thing because once I started using it I seen how beneficial it could be but when I didn't use it I watched how my life go down the downward spiral yeah and even like sometimes it's crazy to me because sometimes I feel like I don't need it but that's when I need it the most yeah and yeah it's very detrimental it's like the prod not even the prodical but the older son yeah right there were two the one at least was just like I'm done with you give me my stuff the other one got angry when the son came home and through the party like he was in the home and didn't realize what he had yeah the prodical lost everything you have something yeah I think like he was saying if it's there around that if you got a old past of it and if you don't keep that good group of friends with guide you down cuz like you said everybody falls but if you ain't got that good group of friends with to keep you away from the bad habits like that but if you're let's say you're out in restaurant or something and somebody and you see somebody over got something and if you ain't with that big group of friends most likely you going to walk over and be like hey man I'm trying to hang out with you I see what you're doing like let's let's go hang out and even though dude don't know you from Adam and Eve he's going to be like all right man let's go let's roll out so like I think it is good beneficial if you do keep that good group of friends with you it's it it says somewhere in book about a man should not be alone and I believe in that fully it's always good to have somebody around yeah that's really good so let's talk practical we talked about the heart and God changing some stuff us but like just really practically speaking like what are you doing now what are you looking at doing in the future to like really focus on growing stronger friendships for the benefit of your recovery like what does that look like day by day right now versus we talked about the past and some changes that happened then but like looking forward like so Jesse specifically for you right you no I can't go back but again how like right what are you doing and going forward to I'm what I'm doing forward of a bettering myself is I'm keeping cting of all Joys and I'm studying more with the Lord and everything keeping him there but mostly it's just trying to make sure I'm doing something that is I know that ain't going to take me back like the table going to table worshiping and stuff like that like I think that's a good beneficial of helping me keep my mind off of stuff like that and just keep on moving forward and eventually that's just the passes is going to leave and ain't going to be there no more yeah I'm I'm curious to actually like I know that's really good man by the way I didn't mean to just breeze on that but I had this thought when I was in my meth at like meth life and all that I was not very friendly to people like I scared I thought everybody was a Fed right like every black SUV you're looking out the windows all that stuff but like you guys are both we have great conversations we laugh joke around the house like how was that like we talk about being a good friend and being friendly how were you guys when you were in Act of addiction like were you still life of the party you still fun and able to engage with people or did you disconnect like what did that look like I was the complete opposite I was Angry all the time every little thing like triggered me and I was not social like if you seen me somewhere on the streets I wouldn't wave at you I would isolate I would stay to myself but one thing that was funny about it was is that I would never try to drag nobody into my mess like if I was in Act of addiction I wouldn't try to surround myself with people who were in Act of addiction I would go home and do it by myself cuz I knew how my attitude was and I was easily triggered by anything my attitude went from zero to 100 real quick yeah and like coming out of that is it's like when you're going through it the hardest part I tell people all the time the hardest part is dealing with yourself it's not the withdrawals it's dealing with yourself and all the mess that you had packed in there for all those years and but once you get through that and well once I get through it is I'm probably one of the best people you can ever meet and joy hanging out with you nice to be around no that's that's such a good point though it's like it's not the drugs that are hard to quit yeah it's it's the ter it's the fearfulness terrifying to realize like what's underneath it's such a good point man like after you stop using now I got to face me and that sucks so tough like said Jesse how were you like prior to I was the life of the party man I was that's not a surprise hey I always wanted to show off of how much I had Flash the money try to get as many people I could to party like I wanted my name to be out there like hey if you trying to go down like go holler at but at the same time as I got everybody around I'm sitting in the back room like man this dude over here trying to sit me up right now man I need you to go holler at him tell him search him make sure but like I was known like from I was very known like it was I was scared to run out that was for sure yeah so that's a good segue though than the boundaries right cuz like so and EXT almost the extrovert and introvert right differences I I identify as an introvert like which is crazy I love speaking I don't mind speaking publicly but like it's the same thing like podcasting is even a stretch yeah cuz I class is fine when we get when I have to pause and answer questions right I lose my mind right so I can engage in conversation but like so that shift that Dynamic shift right and so the extroverted nature I'm assuming pointed in the right direction be a huge blessing right so with you Jesse being extrovert to extrovert right like let's talk about it's a great conversation for boundaries yes so how we talked about boundaries today and like are there any boundaries that you recognize that you need to put in place in order to be able to ensure that these friendships that you developer going to be healthy yeah my I my most boundary is my main one is the way they act it all it somebody explains they self without telling theirself by their actions and that's my big one like if they're acting like a certain way like not by judge them but like acting like no it's okay to judge them yeah absolutely but like if they acting like I'm judging you right now well if they got that attitude like I don't care yeah hey look you be okay nobody ain't going to find out attitude then I know that's a boundary for me to just step back like look man you go have fun and all that sounds great but I just think I'm going to hang back I got something else to do but so have you typically been the type of person that you're pretty quick to jump in instead of hanging back to see yeah I normally I'm like somebody mentioned something I'm like hey let's get a pool man you're taking a bite before you even know fruit it is all yeah I thought this was a peach hey look somebody hey let's could jump off this rock without even asking how deep the water is I'm going head first like it's a good illustration that's good self awareness though right and that's man that's like what you were just talking about a minute ago unpacking everything that's the work of recovery it is unpacking who we are it gets difficult sometimes though Justin it does like there' be days that I'm like man why am I even doing this like it's so much easier just to do this but then that's when I catch myself I'm like no wait I'm here for a reason I don't want that no more but it does get tough sometimes for real yeah it's really good yeah it does it's it's that it's going to be it's a lot of Grace and a lot of grit right and it's it's the hard work and I think a lot of times we end up at places especially being you very Spirit-filled Jesus chasing people like work's going to happen at the altar call and we expect like a miracle moment but work has to happen after the altar call too and that's the part I think even the risk of sometimes being more cares itic in our faith yeah as it becomes another high that we're chasing and actually I want to ask you specifically man you shared you used very distinct words about spiritual mentors people speaking life into very christianized Christian e we call it language right in that regard yeah so how have those friendships man helped you grow spiritually right i' would love to have you unpack that a little bit they really they help me in a way where I realized like that the addiction wasn't my problem it was my attitude and I was like how can it be my attitude when I got a problem with this drug here and but the attitude was the root problem of it all yeah and I had an anger problem and my mentors helped me through that whether it was giving me discipline and making me write half the Bible but in it I was thinking how stupid it was but it helped me grow just keeping me in the word and after you write something a thousand times it's going to sink in yeah and not only that they would call me out and like say if I was just doing something that I didn't think was wrong they would call me out on it and I was like man why would they do that but they cared enough for me to call me out on whatever I had going on and it's like just like you were using the illustration of the prodal son he walked away from his father and like I guess he didn't want to listen to him anymore and he went chasing after the things of the world and but he realized and came back to his senses and came back to the father because he knew that was something there that he needed and everything that he needed was at home the whole time yeah and so growing up in the church and having all these spiritual people around me all the time I knew there was something there so when I walked away I was like well it was fun for a SE like they say sin is only fun for a season yeah and when I came back I was like well this is where I'm supposed to be even though it's hard and it's tough and there's things that I don't want to hear things that I don't want to do I know this is where I'm supposed to be yeah I almost think it's on and I can't say this for sure because I've never not grown up in the church and went and Found Jesus not knowing anything about them like you shared your story right that you like never knew chur you had never been involved in church before church before it's it all in my perspective my estimation it almost seems easier to start there yeah than it does to have grown up in it y slip away and it's a good thing it's not a bad thing like because like the there no like the humility that it takes to come running back to the father's house and having to throw yourself before that like I blew all the money you gave me dad like just make me a servant y like I was eating in the pig pin like just make me a servant I'll be good with that yeah and it really takes almost like a deep level of Brokenness to it's hard it's a hard journey back and man we were talking about emotional boundaries earlier so you mentioned a anger and what does that look like how did you said he helped you deal with your anger problem but it's funny because the way they worked was is that they would try to pull it out of you and to like I would be the type that would just let things build up and I can remember at clear as day we were having choir practice and I used to sing the loudest in choir practice just because and one night he spoke up and was like you're not singing he's like you need to sing and like called me out in front of everybody and U I just blew up over was something so small and then afterwards he came and talked to me it was like you see how small that was and you just blew up over it so I see what your issue is and I was like yeah it was and I it was just I don't know what they would call it but it's just where you hold everything in and then yeah do it and once he said that and I realized I was like well maybe it is an anger problem and yeah it's really good yeah it's on me a good coach does that though right yeah they don't there are some things you just do reps of but there are some things the coach is going to have you do reps of because they know it's an area of weakness yep and they're going to put you to work in that area of the field and on man it's it's definitely I wasn't an athlete but I've watched in a sports movies that I'm an expert so there's that so Jesse what is man what's one lesson we're going to wrap up on this last question but I got one more question for each of you Jesse what's one lessons you've learned about relationships that you wish you knew sooner so let me let me frame this question up because this is how I do this in this conversation in my I had a studio in my old house before we sold it and on the on top of my my filing cabinet one of my favorite movie trilogies is Back to the Future I love that movie trilogy so I went out and did what an irresponsible adult does and bought the Lego DeLorean cuz I had to have it right and man I love that movie and so I built it but one of the things of Jesse today right this is the way I like to frame this question I heard somebody else say it this way it's powerful Jesse today could hop in the DeLorean go back and give Jesse 5 years ago right say for the first time being incarcerated before all that and tell that Jesse everything tell that Jesse how to handle relationships knowing everything that Jesse knows now what would that piece of advice be learn how to trust them trust them how to be good to them really a whole lot how to love them like I didn't know what love was then but now I if I could go back I would tell them look this is what love is this is how you can love them and I would definitely change that for sure and make sure they got a smile on they face and not always down them all the time like I try to lift them up I definitely would change that for sure I asked that question not because I think trying to change the past is a useful exercise because obviously you can't two reasons I asked that question number one introspection our answer number one it can help us see how far we've come yes number two it can identify some of the areas that we still need to work on right because the things we're speaking to sometimes it almost it's us vocalizing still what we see is a place of need in our lives yeah and so U we're even speaking to ourselves today the other reason I do that is for folks that are listening right got people that are going to hear parts of your story even just in our short conversation today and feeling themselves right where you're at and the way that I do that is like it's man like there's there's a lot of Jessies right out there that are struggling and made craziest today homeboy in class I'm not going to say his name cuz he a want to be on camera but like 17 years old and signed up for the military his parents like that was me yeah like I just like I had this like moment even just hearing that little piece of his story I'm like I have never yeah I've never met it we've been doing teen challenge 15 years met anybody else that had signed military papers at 17 years old and it was just like a one of those God moments and so Ash I want to ask you a different question what advice would you give to someone who feels stuck so you you talked a lot about this tension yeah of having the advice available to you having the relationships available to you but almost being stuck and unable to take advantage of that yeah and so what would you speak to somebody man who maybe just feels stuck like I don't I can do this alone yeah I don't need anybody else I'm better off I'm protecting everybody else by being away from him because I'm going be angry anyways right like what would you say to somebody that's in that position well I would definitely tell them that if more than one person's saying the same thing that they probably should do it but just surround yourself by godly people and just listen listening is one of the biggest things cuz a lot of times we don't want to listen because we're so quick to speak and to say something but if we listen twice as much as we speak we probably can receive something and just be willing to learn something from anybody because you can learn from everybody yeah no matter how old you are how young you are and some of the people I'd learned from some of the most profound things were younger than me and just taking the time to listen to him helped me a lot so I think that would be one of my greatest things that I could say to him is just listen yeah and those lies too right I'm better off alone yeah like man and it's we may be able to figure it out yeah me for a short term but I think getting on the other side of it and realizing like the value like I I left I stopped working for Teen Challenge a little bit 2019 and I had been telling students for years you're going to miss the Brotherhood yeah minute you leave you're going to miss the Brotherhood and I said it over and sure enough minute I stopped working for Teen Challenge and stopped being around students all the time and what was a stress to me in one moment yep became a major deficit like I left and I realized like ah man I enjoy hanging around with those schs all the time like what the I say fool not condescendingly just but in that regard man just like the connection with people it's so true you don't miss you don't know how much you going to miss something till you ain't got it no more yeah and it's I say fo too cuz I was one of the fools too on the mountain so we're all fools together but yeah man well I appreciate you guys sitting down and chatting I know this conversation was unscripted unplanned yeah I'm just going off the cuff talking about friendships but man I hope you guys enjoyed the discussion I just want to encourage you again if you're on new here hit the like button subscribe button and down in the comments there's some information if you need help don't hesitate to reach out to Team help don't hesitate to reach out to Teen Challenge or you can support the program as well below but man we appreciate you guys and give us some feedack Feb back how are your relationships maybe there's a struggle or something you're dealing with or maybe you got some advice maybe we missed something and U give us some feedback on how you can build better friendships hey God bless you guys thank you for watching Ashley Jesse thank you guys for talking appreciate y appreciate it God bless