Why Sobriety Didn't Save Me (But Jesus Did)

If you could go back to yourself when you were sober for 6 months, you've been clean for 6 months, knowing all that now at this point of your journey, what would you say to yourself then? I was trying to willpower it. I was trying to grit my teeth and do my best to obey the black and white. I was pointing at my bootstraps. I was trying to do everything. I can stay clean. Yes, I've done six months and that's only by your grace, God. But let me never get the Bible says not to think high more highly of yourself than you ought. Right? Right? Right? And I'm starting to feel pretty good about the six months of sobriety. Even looking down on some that aren't sober yet, like come on now, I'm doing it. Make sure you really know him. And don't don't try to figure out all these theologies or all this other stuff until you just know the basic thing. Jesus loves me. This I know. The Bible tells me so. And I didn't really know that he loved me. I knew that he loved me, but I didn't know he I knew he loved people. But, come on out. There's something in my DNA. I'm an I was an addict, . And I still had beliefs of this once an addict, always an addict. The myth of this whole you're always an addict thing. thing. thing. And but now I've realized that you should know the truth and the truth shall make you free. For he who the son sets free is free indeed. And I would just tell myself these things. Don't seek to learn a bunch of a mass knowledge for Bible jeopardy. Seek to know God. Yeah. and use the Bible as an on-ramp to know him, not to know knowledge and to prove everybody. I know, look at me, I know all this stuff. And that's where I was at. When you hear addiction stories, you either hear in the church the testimony of the addict that had the encounter with the Lord and they share their testimony and I met Jesus and all of that, right? We hear that conversion moment that I decided to stop using. Now I'm here. or we fast forward and we hear stories of guys like yourself and me who are 15 20 years out of this whole thing however long it's been for you and I think a lot of times we don't talk about like that very first year like from the altar to the testimony five six years down the road I've got my family back my life is good but the grit and the struggle of that first year and so I'd be curious to know Matt like what was your first year of this journey of freedom. my first year honestly was learning when I really got free. I had done some gritting the teeth moments where I had stopped using. I'll say to stop using, but that's not necessarily freedom. there's people there's going to be plenty of sober people in hell, . So, soiety is not the key to salvation. Jesus is. It's not I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't take pills and I can get to heaven. No, it's Jesus saved me. He saves sinners because that's all that there are. and that was me. But my first year of true freedom, it was not instantaneous. It was not wham bam. I wish, but I'm thankful for the process. Most of the time in life, it's not really the destination that God's after. It's more of the journey that we learn through the journey to get there. and that was me. But my first year of true freedom, it was not instantaneous. It was not wham bam. I wish, but I'm thankful for the process. Most of the time in life, it's not really the destination that God's after. It's more of the journey that we learn through the journey to get there. But I had learned all my life, even Teen Challenge. And maybe I had just missed, didn't have ears to hear it at the time. Even went to Bible college later on and even came out of that and still struggle with pain pills was my thing. Meth, cocaine, a lot of things, but pain pills really gripped me. they, you can smoke weed and get off of it and go to prison for 30 days and be free. But pain pills that the devil just grabbed me and I could not get free of that opiate addiction. I had known that I knew that Jesus died for my sins. But for some reason, I never picked up that he lived for my righteousness, that he died for me, but I didn't know he lived for me. So therefore, somebody's got to live. He died now. Somebody's got to live, and that's going to be me. And I'm going to pull up my bootstraps. I'm gonna get my gear on, my headband, my workout like a Rocky movie. I'm gonna get fit. I'm gonna get off a drug. I'm gonna do this. I'm gonna build up. I'm gonna live for him. Yes, I'm gonna live for him. And I failed miserably again and again that he gives me his righteousness. So, it wasn't until I realized that he gave me his righteousness and that right now in the sight of God, whether I made a mistake today or I didn't, I'm seen as spotless, perfect, and clean in his eyes. But it was that falling. The old me would have fell. Well, well, I got a bag of I smoked weed. I'm done. God's mad at me now. He's pretty ticked off. And when I come into a room, he's pretty much holding his nose "Back out. Come back when you're clean. Come back when you What have you done?" And I bought a 20 sack. Might as well finish it now. I done blew my sobriety. Might as well just finish the 20 sack off. Or I bought some pills. Might as well finish them. I'm I'm ruined now. God hates me. Yeah. Once I realized he loves me, once I realized that the sins I can't forget, he can't remember. Once I realized that when I did smoke that weed, I could have thrown it on the ground and crushed it and said, "God, forgive me." And he would say, "Yes, come to me. Come sit on your Aba's lap. Come to me and I'll be free." Then I began to live a consistent life, not a life of I sinned. Now I'm probation. No Bible. I'm not worthy. No church, I'm not worthy. No Christian friends on the phone. Not right now. I'm not worthy of that. I went from that and so what it was happening is I'd grow for a few weeks in sobriety and in Jesus and yay everything's going good. I'd slip up and have a fight with the ex or and something would trigger that old memories. I surrender once again to save me. Salvation's three tenses. It's you were saved. You're being saved and you will be saved. And I'm right now in the process of being saved. And God, I'm thankful that you love me. That you didn't just die for me. You live for me. Wow. And you still love me. And when I to come into a room, you don't hold your nose. Wow. I'm putting it down. I can be free. I'll take one day at a time. God, be with me tomorrow like you are today. I submit to you. I surrender. And that's what I would have. I just did a video a few days ago on the title was your apology sucks. And it was really addressing the prodal and how terrible his apology was because theologically on its face it seems right. Right. I'm I'm not worthy to be called your son. Make me like a hired servant was the part where he blew it up. And the challenge I think a lot of people in recovery is we're trying to negotiate a payment plan with somebody who's offering us a pardon. So when did it stop feeling like survival and really start feeling like freedom? Like you touched on it a little bit, but was there a moment not to use when it went from like my knuckles are white all the time to like no I feel I'm a son again. Like I don't feel like I'm like I could the math could pass me right now. Take it or leave it. Like what I'm not take it. what I'm saying? Like I don't think about it anymore. So when did that happen for you? Yeah. After being a year clean, but it's not so much about what I don't do anymore. It's about what I started doing. doing. doing. Right. That's good. And I started learning about how to sit with God, how to spend time with him and stillness, how to be with him, how to slow down when I read the Bible and meditate. The gospel is not just the doorway in. It's the way we live the life of a Christian. Every day I remind myself I need him every day because I'm broken every day. Martin Luther said, "The law is meant to crush and destroy the monster of self-righteousness." Was there any particular moment or moments that that came alive for you? Like do you recall like when did you get that? Like what I'm saying? Cuz like I you and I both know it theologically knowledgewise like but what part of your journey was there anything that took place or was there like something that just clicked the Holy Spirit driven moment like what I used to look at John 8. Jesus says the truth and the truth will make you free and I used to be wondering that was supposed to be in my Bible if I had a trick Bible because I knew the truth. This is not saying you should know the truth. This is ganosco. This is an experiential knowing. This is a knowing like Adam knew his wife Eve. This is intimacy. This is I'm not married to my wife's picture. I'm married to my wife. It's not it's it's experiential. It's not text on a page. Jesus told the Pharisees, "You search the scriptures because in them you think you have eternal life, but yet they point to me, but you refuse to come to me." The scriptures are meant to lead you to a person. The scriptures are a door that you're meant to pass through into a person, into him. But yet, many stop short and don't come to God in the scriptures. They come to the Bible as an end, not a means to come to him. So what happened was the truth that was in my head began to drop down into the spirit, into my heart, into my belly, almost like food. You're chewing food up, it's in my head right now. And until I swallow it and digest it, oh, it goes into my belly. And in this case, the teaching about the imputed righteousness, all the stuff I'd learned in the Bible, teen challenge, it was all up here still and it was not very much fruit until it somehow dropped by the spirit of God. Thank you, Lord. It dropped in my belly. And at that moment, I had an epiphany. Some would say, or aha, wow, I am righteous. Loves me. He likes me even. How did you build that consistency? Practically speaking, discipline must go must turn to delight. I don't have to discipline myself to be intimate with my wife, right? right? right? I don't have to set a time. my show's on. Sorry honey. Like no, I love her. Love does way more than discipline does or gritting your teeth and trying to do something or performing a duty of prayer and Bible reading. The way I stay consistent is in the good times or bad times, the rich times, poor times, healthy times, sick times, same solution. Come to me, Jesus said. Matthew 11:28, come to me all you that labor are heavy laden. I'll give you rest. So I come to him and I lay upon him and receive rest from him. Much like a child would lay upon his mother or his father and just all the rest of the father or mother would be imparted into the child as simply as the child just relinquishes their rights and all their ability to try harder. We all have days where we're dry and it's sewing. Knowing he loves me still. Knowing that I catch his gaze and he gets giddy. Knowing that the Bible says in Song of Solomon, one he I'm he's captivated by one glance of my eye. So when I sit down to be with him and I say, "I give you my attention, Lord. I worship you. I love you." I'm not feeling anything. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But he's looking at me smiling. Say, "I love you, son. All the same. Come to me. I'll give you rest." And I always leave satisfied. He said, "If you drink the water I give you, you never thirst. If you eat the bread I give you, you never hunger." So one thing promised in the gospel is satisfaction. There is no lack of satisfaction in the kingdom. And I think that's that's one of the areas where I really do feel like the spiritfilled response at the altar, whether it's you gave your life to your Lord in the seat or in a jail cell and the Lord speaks to you almost a Saul moment, right, where the scales come off the eyes because it'll kickstart that passion and that motivation, that experience. But then the other part is like not have any bones about it like that. Zig Ziggler said it this way, motivation doesn't last, either does bathing. That's why we do it daily. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And so that's the process of like re reenergizing our relationship with the Lord daily consistently because some days I'm going to stink, some days it's not going to feel good, but like I got to keep going back to the well, otherwise I'm gonna run out. So I've got something. Can I say? Yeah, go ahead. Absolutely. If the public touch doesn't turn into a private kiss, it won't last. If the meeting's your fire, it'll be gone by tomorrow. If the meeting's wood on your fire, it'll last for decades. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, the private the public touch is never meant to be an end. It's a means to spur you, to put salt on your tongue, to make you thirsty for the private kiss. kiss. kiss. That's good. me and my wife will only be so intimate in front of you. The good stuff happens behind closed doors. Matthew 6, go into your room and shut the door. That's where the intimacy happens. If your intimacy with God and devotion to God and love relationship with God and your feeling of God only happens in public meetings, I feel sorry for you because that was meant to spur you to hunger to say, "Wow, I want more. I want more than once a week meetings. I didn't sign up for once a week meetings." What? That's not intimacy. That's not love. That's a slave servant mentality. mentality. mentality. Should give you an ahip for your three months with her. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Three months of date night. And it's not 10 steps or 12 steps. It's one. Yeah. Come to me. Yeah. And I don't I heard somebody say a long time ago, I don't remember I heard this quote, but they said, "Deliverance without disciplehip leads to delusion." But I think it's a reality check even more for the people that are watching that are stuck in this place. Like there is disciplehip that comes in the back. You're maturing. You're going to grow in the Lord after your process of like falling in love with him. And so don't get disillusioned. Don't be stressed out because it's not moving as fast as you would like it to. I think that's one of the things that I had to discipline myself on a lot and I still struggle with it. Like I want it now. Like I want to be further along than I am. am. am. And that's still where that prodal slave mindset is still being broken out of me even now as a 40-year-old man with kids. you can't be more of a son than you are right now. Right. 100%. And that's the part that I wrestle with though. Like my dad would have loved me more if I didn't spend as much of his inheritance. Yeah. Like if I could have came back with at least half the money, like and then and my buddy and I, Robert, actually talking about the older brother the other day and I said, it's it's so crazy because I've been on both sides of the story like just right. And so let me ask you a couple more questions, man, as we land the plane. so how do you see yourself now today, Matt Kulovvin, pastor, husband, son of God, versus how you saw yourself in addiction. Wow. Totally different. still broken. No mistake about it. Pastor, husband, love God. father still broken, and God loves to take broken people. He only saves broken people because that's all that there are. So, but the difference was in my addiction, I felt like I was a slave. The Bible says that in the same verse I've quoted in truth and the truth will set you free. for the house, the slave does not live in the house forever. The son does. And he that's a slave of sin is a servant of sin. He who practices sin is a slave of it. So I was a slave. I could do I could be happy or do good, but that thing could call me and pull me right off track any time. It affected my family. It affected my marriage. It affected my kids' lives. Everything. I felt like a slave, like a victim, like I was stuck. And what God did was he breathed into me the life. And he gave me empowerment, but not self-empowerment. This is not self-improvement. This is self-abandonment. This is self surrendering self and saying, "God, take over. I can't do this anymore. You take the wheel. Literally take it all. I'm driving and this is where I've gotten. I drive in a ditch every time. Take over my life, God. For real. I did that several times. Matt, aren't you not any better off? Aren't you just on a crutch? Isn't religion just a crutch to hold you up? is that not what's going on? people say religion is a crutch, but really it's worse than that. Religion is a wheelchair because my legs are broken. I'm crippled. I am a I'm a parapillegic. I in the spirit, I am broken. So, it's not just a crutch. He's carrying me. There's only one set of footprints here. so I am a broken man. Yeah. religion, the message of the new covenant is not behave, it's behold. It's who you're looking at. Stop looking at you and your addiction and start looking at him. And that's where freedom is found. It's not found by looking at you. It's and what you can't do. It's looking at him and start becoming something. It's the beatitudes, not the try-harditudes. It's something he wants to make you be. God much rather wants you to become someone than to do something. something. something. He wants you to be someone that's free and clean. So back then I was tormented. Mental illness, depression, paranoia, self-hate, self-loathing. woe is me. God must not love me. I'm a victim. I'm this. And now I've moved from victim to a victor to in Christ. I can do all things through him. And but it's not me. I'm still broken. I'm still a mess without him. I'm still so deficient. I pray every day, not because I'm strong, but because I'm weak and impotent. And I know if I don't seek his face every day, that I'll just fall to the ground. And so I'm a whole different person. I would say entirely be I'm all things for 2 Corinthians 5:17 or 1 Corinthians 5:17. behold, all things have become new. Old things have passed away. All things have become new. And that's me. my marriage, my life, my kids, restored, finances, restored, my health, restored, my weight, restored, my mind restored, my life restored, everything. So, let's go back to that beginning question. What what would you say is the thing that other people get wrong about your story when people look at Matt from the outside in? wow, what a testimony. No, no, no. The same blood it took to save me saves a 90-year-old and a lazy boy that never did none of the stuff I did. It's the same blood, the same redemption. So I hear people say this. They probably say it about you too and all and a lot of people you have on here. Wow, what a testimony. No, I want to hear the testimony of the guy that's that's 80 years old, has never smoked, never drank, never did drugs, God kept you through all that. It can be related to addiction, your story or anything. I just want to land with what's something that's just givingven you hope right now just in the world period, in your personal life, wherever it might be. Just what's just one thing simply that's givingven you hope? Psalm 139, you've searched me and known me and he loves me. He doesn't just love me, he likes me. And he goes on to say, David says, "Where can I go from your presence? If I go to the heights, you're there. If I go to the depths, you're there. If I take a wings of the morning, getting up in the heart of the sea, in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, even then there your hand's going to lead me." He said, "Dark and light are the same to you. No matter what if I'm doing good or bad, crummy day, good day, happy day, sad day, rich day, poor day, healthy day, sick day, you're there. I can't escape you. And that can be horrifying. And but can also be great hope. Great hope that I'm never alone. He's with me. You may be on the boat. It may be a storm brewing and the waves are rocking, but if you have Jesus in your boat, do not fear. Right? Like that's the whole thing. Do not fear. One of my greatest verses ever from Teen Challenge, from life was been Isaiah 46:10. 41:10. fear not, for I am with you. I am your God. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Be not dismayed. fear not. And those things, those anchors, I call them anchors. Isaiah and Psalm and many more, but those two really stand out for me. That he's with me. And that the key to the Christian life is not acquisition. It's recognition. That he's already here. I can't get out of it. I'm not trying to get in his presence. I can't get out of it biblically. So, I just recognize he's here and I find comfort in that. If I'm happy, sad, whatever. I'm driving home today after this, brother. And no matter what I'm going through in my life or my marriage or finances, you're with me through it all. You're not going to let me go. You got my hand. Yes, son. I got your hand. No matter what. I'm I'm a like do or die. I'm I'm do or die. No m And even after that, by the way, when you die, I'm still there. It's wow. So that's my hope is him, his presence. presence. presence. And so what about for the young man that may be watching that's in that stuck place that on struggling. A matter of fact, this is a great segue. I had a young man comment on one of our shorts yesterday. He said he said specifically, he said, I went through this battle with mental illness. Had some stuff happen in my life. I used addiction to cope and then after I gave up the drugs, now I'm wrestling with the mental illness again. and I really am struggling with that. what do you say to this young man in the comments that's walking through this journey right now because you shared a little bit you went through a battle of mental illness and whatnot and man on and maybe just give a no pressure but maybe just give a quick word to that young man that Yeah. just a real quick just 20 second thing if I were to cut my arm here I'd have a gash and that would actually allow the bacteria and the oxygen and all that to get in there. there. So, what do you do? You close it up to not to decrease infection. infection. infection. Well, in my life, and I'm sure yours watching, if especially if you're in addiction, addiction itself, even you get these lashes in your soul, these open wounds that are in your soul, and these allow oppressions. These allow all these things, the these thoughts and mental illness and all these things to come in. And what you need is healing of those inner wounds. You have holes in your soul that you try to take money in your fist and you stuff it in the hole, it can't fill the hole. You try to take sex and maybe if you could just finally achieve this or get a nicer car or get the nice rims you like or even sobriety, anything you stuff it in the hole. But there's only one thing that can fill the holes of the soul and it's Jesus and his presence and his voice. And when he comes into you, he fills all the soul's holes. Everything's filled by him. So my encouragement to you, young man, young woman, whoever you are watching, is to surrender. Give up. Cry uncle. It took me 40 years. I'm still learning to just stop. Just give up. And I don't mean give up as far as go use. give up your ability, your gritting of your teeth, your bootstrapping, pulling up. Give up that whole thing and come to Jesus Christ. Many people come to church, but they've never come to Christ. Come to Jesus. Just come to him. Get in your room. Get alone. Matthew 6. Go into your room. Shut the door and say, "Jesus, here I am. I don't want this addiction. I don't want this. I want you. Take it from me. I give you my life. I My attempts at trying have failed. My attempts of trying to kick it and white knuckle it and all that has failed. God, it only leaves me in condemnation and hurting. God, I give you these things, God. Take them from me by your spirit. I give it all. And then I would encourage you to renounce and to begin to forgive those people in your life. one of the things that drugs did for me was it medicated me. It was self-medicating. And every addiction has a root. And ask the spirit of God. Ask Holy Spirit. Ask the father to show you the root. Why am I using? The using is just a simple symptom. The heroin is just a symptom. The meth, the pills, the weed, the vape. It's just a symptom of something deeper. So ask God to reveal you those wounds in your soul. Maybe you have to ask forgiveness for the way your dad treated you. Maybe your mother, maybe a friend, maybe a betrayal, maybe you lost a loved one early on, too early, or maybe you were abused. whatever that was, ask God to reveal that to you. And that's the first step if I believe that God is saying to you right now is first just go to that route. Just ask God to give it to you and realize that when you come to him, you're not there to perform. You're there to enjoy and just to be with him and your father. You're coming on his lap. I don't knock on my front door. I walk right in. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Jesus said, "I've went to the heavens ahead of you." He forran us into heaven. He's passed through the heavens and he gave us boldness and access to enter the throne of God. So, I just walk into my house and I'm comfortable there. And it's the same with the throne of God. Stop looking at your sin. The sins you can't forget, he cannot remember. He's tossed them away. Stop looking at your sin. Look to the sun. Look at him. Look away from yourself. Your solution's not in you. Water can't cure drowning. Fire can't put out fire. And you can't cure you. It takes someone else outside of you. Extronos, the Latin, the performers would call it Extronos, outside of you. You need him that flung the stars into space, him way past the Milky Way, the one that has to humble himself to look into heaven, the God man, Jesus Christ. You need him and he's with you now. He'll never leave you or forsake you. Romans 8 says there's no condemnation for those who are in Christ. So, if you're in Christ, if you've accepted him, rebuke the devil out of your life, resist him, and begin to give a life. Live a life of surrender. Live a life of secret prayer. Live a life of Bible reading. And don't get so dogged down with all the Bible. Just small doses. The Lord is my shepherd. I'm not going to want today. I don't not going to think about tomorrow being free of drugs. Today I'm not going to be I'm not going to use drugs. I shall not want. He's my shepherd. But yeah, be encouraged, young man, young woman. woman. woman. Yeah, that was really good, Matt. Man, thanks so much. And I want to encourage you guys that are watching. I'm going to link up the channel for Brookside Church, the YouTube channel in the description here if you guys want to connect with Matt and on Catch. He puts a sermon up every week, man. Matt and I have an interesting relationship. He is on We've known each other for a while, but he is the pastor where I was pastoring about a year ago. And so, it's exciting, man. I it's funny. I was thinking about that. We sat together about a year ago exactly to start talking through your transition into the church. It was about this time last year. year. year. Yeah. December. And now we're a year later sitting down for a podcast conversation. And I want to encourage you guys, please connect with Brooks Church on YouTube, social media, and all that. and you can catch more of Matt's sermons and whatnot. And if you're watching and you enjoyed this or you had some questions, please like those like the video, leave a comment below. And man, up in the link the video that I talked about earlier, your apology sucks. It's not as harsh as it seems. It's actually an encouraging message. I believe that video will bless you in this season of your life. So, you can access that by clicking right here. And thank you so much for tuning in to another episode of Rebuilding Life After Addiction. we'll see you in the next one. God bless.