Being the Dad You Never Had

Nobody teaches you how to be a father when you never had one.

You can read the books. You can watch the YouTube videos. You can sit in the men's group at church and nod along while guys talk about leading their families. But when you grew up without a model, there's this constant whisper in the back of your mind: Am I doing this right? Is this what it's supposed to look like?

I was talking with my friend Terence recently about masculinity, fatherhood, and the slow erosion of the family unit in American culture. Terence grew up in a single-parent home. Never had a relationship with his dad. And now he's raised four kids of his own.

"I've had to play catch-up," he told me. "I grew up not knowing how a father functions."

That line hit me. Because playing catch-up is exhausting. You're building the plane while you're flying it, hoping you don't crash into a mountain before you figure out what all the buttons do.

The Deck Is Stacked Against Us

Here's the reality nobody wants to say out loud: culture isn't helping.

For decades, television has portrayed fathers as bumbling idiots. Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor was hilarious, but the joke was always that Dad doesn't know what he's doing. The competent one was the wife. Dad was comic relief.

Meanwhile, the courts have made it financially advantageous to be a single mother. The more kids, the more benefits, as long as Dad isn't in the picture. We've literally incentivized fatherlessness.

And the stats back it up. Your chances of graduating high school and going to college skyrocket when you come from a two-parent home. Stability matters. Presence matters. But presence is exactly what's been systematically devalued.

Terence put it bluntly: "Two parents is almost a foreign concept now. We're the exception, not the rule."

The Miracle Nobody Should Have to Pray For

God can do miracles. He can take a kid from a broken home and turn him into a solid father. Terence is proof. I've seen it happen over and over in recovery circles, guys who came from nothing and built something beautiful by the grace of God.

But here's what Terence said that stuck with me: "Just because God can do a miracle doesn't mean He should have to."

We're not supposed to be praying for God to overcome our disobedience. We're supposed to be walking in obedience so the miracle isn't necessary. All things work together for the good, yes. But did you know all things can just work? You don't have to create the mess that requires the redemption story.

That's not condemnation for those already in the thick of it. If you're a single parent doing your best, God sees you. He's with you. But for the guys who haven't made those choices yet, hear this: the choice of spouse is the most important decision you'll ever make outside of following Jesus. Don't pick her based on how she looks in her clothes. Pick her based on how she thinks. Pick her based on whether she's chasing Jesus with the same intensity you are.

As Terence said, "Kids don't fix problems. Kids amplify problems." Whatever dysfunction exists in your marriage before children will get louder after. Get that foundation right first.

Presence Over Perfection

I mess up constantly. I overreact. I lose my patience. I say things I regret. If you're waiting to be a perfect father before you engage, your kids will be grown before you start.

The goal isn't perfection. The goal is presence.

Terence talked about being intentional with his kids even when they were in public school and he couldn't control everything they were hearing. He didn't shield them from hard conversations. When something came up in the news, they talked about it at the dinner table from a biblical perspective. His kids weren't caught off guard by the craziness of the world because they'd been processing it alongside their parents for years.

"I didn't shield them from a lot of conversations," he said. "I believe they can handle a lot more than we give them credit for."

That's the work. Not outsourcing discipleship to the Sunday school teacher for 45 minutes a week while they get 40 hours of public school and unlimited screen time. The church is secondary to what happens in your home. Always has been. We've just forgotten.

The Hardest Season

I asked Terence what his hardest season of parenting was. His answer surprised me.

"Going from one to two. Because you had to divide your attention."

Not the teenage years, though those are brutal too. The moment you realize you can't pour everything into one child anymore. Your heart has to expand. Your time has to split. And you're terrified you're shortchanging someone.

I'm in the zone defense years now. Four daughters. Outnumbered. Some days it feels like I'm just trying to keep everyone alive until bedtime. But Terence reminded me that parenting doesn't end when they leave the house. It just shifts. From disciplinarian to coach to mentor to the guy they call when they've blown it and finally understand what you were trying to tell them all along.

"That's the tough thing," he said. "Waiting for them to learn those lessons on their own and trying to be patient."

Breaking the Cycle

I was a meth addict at 15. That's a generational curse I refuse to pass down. My girls deserve better than that. So I fight. Not perfectly. Not without stumbling. But relentlessly.

Terence said something that reframed everything: "The curse doesn't have to continue. It can stop with anyone."

That's the hope for every man who grew up without a father, or with a father who failed him. You are not destined to repeat the pattern. The cycle breaks when someone decides it breaks. When someone plants their feet and says, "This ends with me."

You might not have had a model. You might be playing catch-up every single day. But your kids don't need a perfect father. They need a present one. One who's willing to do the work even when it's hard. One who points them to Jesus even when he's still figuring it out himself.

Terence learned some things from TV dads. He learned more from coaches who stepped into the gap. God can use anything. But what God really wants is for you to show up. Imperfect. Uncertain. But there.

The Standard Still Works

People will call you old-fashioned. They'll say you're trying to drag everyone back to the 1950s. They'll accuse you of being rigid or judgmental or out of touch.

Let them.

The biblical model for family isn't antiquated. It's just unpopular. And unpopular doesn't mean wrong. Look around at what the "modern" approach has produced. A generation confused about their identity. Skyrocketing rates of anxiety and depression. Kids raising themselves on screens while parents chase careers.

Something in the system is broken. Everyone can feel it. We just don't want to admit that the fix might require going back to what we abandoned.

Husband and wife. Mom and Dad. Kids raised in a home where they see love modeled and conflict resolved and faith lived out in the ordinary moments. That's not oppression. That's the design. And the design works.

You might be swimming upstream against everything culture is telling you. Good. Keep swimming. Your kids are watching. And one day, when they're choosing their own spouse and raising their own children, they'll remember what you modeled.

Make it worth remembering.