Ben Fuller Testimony: Addiction, Recovery, and Finding God in Nashville

but on the inside I was completely broken completely empty yeah and lacking a lot of stuff and I didn't know that hole in my heart was something that only God could fill and I walked in there and I heard the music and again here comes the music so powerful rose up inside of me and I just ran into the auditorium and stood there in the aisle and so in that moment Romans 10:9 says believe in your heart and confess with your mouth that Jesus Christ is Lord and if you believe that God raised him from the dead you'll be saved yeah who I am in the eyes of the father who I am is love set free who I was I left at the altar I am yours Lord I believe well Ben I'm I'm excited man to have this conversation and do this on it's fun to be able to sit down and have conversations with people and on especially folks that have similar backgrounds and similar stories and we were riding through town earlier and you were talking about some of your upbringing right and coming up in a in Vermont on a dairy farm how did the dairy farm shape who you became as a person and when did music start to become a part of your life like you want to bring us into a little bit of that as we yeah growing up in Vermont was beautiful Vermont is a lot like Virginia and it's mountainous and cold and beautiful but I Vermont is 2% Christian M and maybe four now I think maybe it's growing a little bit but I never got brought to church okay and that was just the thing like my parents didn't go to church and so if you don't know you don't go yeah and so I grew up with lots of hard work I was the only son okay my sister enjoyed doing things my sister did Dance and Gymnastics one sibling yeah just one sister yeah and so it I was just forced to be at my father's side all the time yeah and I constantly was just trying to prove I think maybe and show that I could do it that I could complete the job that I could work yeah that I could be his son being a dairy Farmer's son is no small task and I think all I wanted to do was just know that he loved me and I think that's what I missed most as a kid growing up was not hearing I love you yeah and that was just a hard thing for me yeah so was it when working on the farm and whatnot was it that like when you were doing the task and getting it done that just it was never quite good enough that there wasn't any approval there when you would complete things is that yeah the work ethic was there I could out work all my buddies and I was Captain the football team I had all these things that were going for me on the outside and I'd get done throwing hay bales and then go to practice and that just became this rinse and repeat thing but on the inside I was completely broken completely empty yeah and lacking a lot of stuff and I didn't know that hole in my heart was something that only God could fill yeah and as I searched high and low for it yeah so you talk about that you talk about the the hurt and the approval and some of those struggles and you use a phrase generations of hurt right and can you describe that CU right now you're talking about the dynamic between you and Dad yeah but when you say Generations what do you mean by that yeah it's like grandpa passed down to Dad passed down to me but we didn't know any different nobody knew any different and so what somebody learns they just pass that down and hand that down again until something has changed until something is interrupted yeah and now my life has been interrupted by Jesus yeah and so all of a sudden I'm able to take that and hand that down and pass that around and that's that's it's really crazy and I feel crazy a lot but now I'm almost taking that what I've been handed down turning around realizing that I have Christ and now I can hand that back to my dad yeah wow and so I'm I'm able to show my father this love and say I love you and actually I've heard I love you from my dad's lips wow which is amazing yeah and he said it to me and he's he watches and listens to podcasts like this yeah he listens to Big Daddy Weave and Zach Williams like he's listening because he's like oh my son is now on Christian radio like I want to I might hear him on there yeah and I'm proud of him yeah and it's been really beautiful yeah honestly my relationship with my dad has become so special yeah now to watch What the Lord Has restored all the Locust years yeah of my life yeah that's incredible yeah so coming from a family that didn't talk about Jesus right that there was Vermont 2% Christian very secular Community yes and generations of that right and so like you're in the I want to talk about some of your addiction and whatnot in a second but yeah like you're on the radio now right and I know that's it's 2025 so radio but you've got some popular songs and you're you're pretty well known in the Christian music space and outside like where did music get introduced into your life like is that recent or was that something from a young age no it was something from a young age I used to sing to pass the time and I used to sing honestly when I was just I was so tired of work when I not feel like working then come to find out like doing all this research on music and realizing how powerful music is and how it can take you from a place and bring you to another place I think that's why like Negro spirituals have hit me so hard and how that servant slaves used to sing these songs to take them out of the places that they are in the hurt the pain and now all of a sudden I'm s and I realize the times that I didn't want to be doing the things I was doing to take me out of those places and realize that I was connecting with God yeah that I was actually singing and some of those moments and some of those times that I was actually connecting yeah and I had no idea that I was and so I now that I've been saved I can look back and go oh my goodness you were there the whole time you were there from the beginning yeah you were there you already knew that I'd go through all these struggles and all these trials and all these things yeah so that ultimately I would praise you and I'd give you all the glory and honor and credit for all of it in the end that you were the only one that came in once I figured out Jesus was more than a swear word yeah in my mouth that he was actually a savior he was my savior and so I was able to speak about him like that so that people might believe me if you've been enjoying this content you want to help us reach more people you can make a difference by donating through the link below we appreciate your support and now back to the video I love the illustration there of the music and the worship and like yeah while we were yet sinners right yeah being able to feel that connection to God even when we haven't made the decision to accept him as Lord and I heard a prom I can't remember the name of the person that said it but I heard somebody describe addiction as a worship disorder and that description of addiction has stuck with me because we're always worshiping something yeah right and so as even music was created right to worship God that's that's where it all came from yeah and so like where did that disorder of your worship start right in your life so you're into music you're singing to pull yourself out of this pain yeah but when did the enemy start to introduce the substances and start to shift your worship to something that was ultimately going to become destructive yeah that was 16 between 16 and 18 years old and attempted suicide and realizing that I was just too scared to pull the trigger and I saw the flash of the funeral line the flash of friends and family and I was like man I'm not ready I can't do this and then getting introduced not long after to cocaine alcohol and sex all the things that come along with it and I just began to escape yeah and I just began to disappear in plain sight and it was so easy to do that and then once I found some buddies that loved cocaine also and my best friend Ryan he's dead December 16th 2017 he's no longer here and so him and I used for 10 years and why am I still here yeah why is he dead why did he overdose and not me we were doing the same drugs I could have easily snorted or shot up or whatever and it was him and so I realized that God had other plans for me but in that moment I also didn't understand for 14 and 1/2 years my addiction carried on yeah and I still couldn't stop it on my own that's why when I meet so many people that are like yeah I'm sober now and I'm I'm doing it on my own it's like well good luck yeah I don't believe in luck but good luck CU you ain't going to do it for much longer because you're going to run out and that's just what I found is that I don't care how strong you are how tough you are yes if you don't have a savior if you don't have Jesus now with him with his passing was that you said the 14 and a half years was that on the front end or the back end like that was on the back end of yeah I started yeah when I started at 18 I don't know I was maybe 30 late 20s I guess on Ryan P so was that a what when that took place was that a catalyst for change or did you cuz I know everybody you talked you used the word Escape yeah which is such a relevant word right we're all running from something when we're using we're trying to mask something and did it was did it did that thing start to drive you toward Jesus right away or did you escape further and go deeper before you ultimately started to realize that there was something different for your life well I said I'll never use again I'll never drink again they just killed my best friend I'm not going to do that again yeah I don't want to touch that stuff again that hit home two months later I'm drinking 20 beers a night again it wear you see what it wears off it's like well I he's yeah but that was a couple months ago now and time heals things and gets you over and then you realize like well maybe I'll be fine if I just have a couple and maybe I'll be fine if I do a little cocaine that's fine and keep sleeping around and keep doing the things that I was doing all a sudden you slip back into that same old rut yeah that you were in and that's exactly what I did but I also took that addiction and I think this is big is that addiction followed me 1250 Mi all the way down to Nashville Tennessee MH cuz in the fall of 2018 is when I decided to move yeah one year after Ryan passed I was like well I was Landscaping I was building stone walls I was digging holes and planting trees and I was good at it but I felt this calling inside for something more yeah and I didn't know what it was I didn't know I was like man but I've always loved music and so that the music again started rising up and wow to go to and this time to go to Nashville with it so how do you describe that to somebody who is here at an inner voice right now that it was the voice of God right directing your steps yeah but for an addict that's Trapped and like Ben how do I know if this is the voice of God how do I know if this is just my like how did you discern that you just went were you running or from or running to or both the Bible talks about the still Small Voice but and it really was still and small and I feel like it just was so calm and also just calm but convicting of like I've got to go and I need to go and I know I need to go like and everybody listening knows that point of like okay enough is enough you need to stop cuz let's face it the drugs are never going to be enough right they write songs about it about we've both done it we've both been there it's never enough my dad always used to say which has always stuck with me that Budweiser is going to keep making beer Ben right and I'm just like and now I sit back and look at that after I'm out of addiction going oh my goodness yeah they will they're going to keep feeding me the drugs are going to keep coming and that was right around when Ryan passed was not far after that this big fentanyl thing took over and that when this we saw this big shift cuz I started when I was doing cocaine it wasn't fentanyl wasn't a concern we had never even talked about it I'm 38 okay yeah turn 38 think about that nice for a second yeah so but it like that was a it was a new thing yeah that had come in and everyone started being scared about it yeah it's it's different it's a different world now yeah like back in the day we're the same age it's back in the day it was like you would have lifelong drug addict yes and it's not the case anymore no you'll die yeah 100,000 I think it was 100,000 people in the last year yeah something to that effect my statistics may be wrong but like it's been a crazy astronomical number and it's dude it's so heartbreaking and I you're telling the just The Lies We Tell ourselves yeah this time's going to be different yeah I I'll drink a little bit but I'm not going to go back on the hard drugs yeah I'll smoke the meth but I won't shoot the meth yeah and then the Finish Lines continue to get further and further out of course they do and that continues to be the run and so and the Lord starts speaking to you still Small Voice right you're in this battle imagine there's an internal battle taking place so what happened in Nashville right is it 2018 201 2018 yeah that you ended up in a church am I right and how did that take place how did Ben end up running from or running toward right running toward there still a small voice and the Lord drops you in this church and man what happens there he sent a family from Vermont a year before I got there and this family got established their kids went to school a family you knew a family I barely knew family that had come to i' had landscape with their son yeah the Davenport family yeah they're amazing and I'd landscape with their son had a freak incident met them at the hospital hit next thing they come out and support me at some bars and restaurants have a meal and sit in the corner there the sweet family that just would come and support me yeah and so I didn't really know them all that well but God had moved them to Nashville and they called me it was a fall Day 2019 got my number and they called me they said Ben Fuller will you come for dinner and I said yeah like I'm hungry I love food anyway who doesn't love food so I went to this meal and at the end of this meal they asked me will you come to church with us wow in the morning it was a Saturday night and I'll never forget they love me just the way that I was they love me just the way that Jesus does yeah and they didn't judge anything my language I had beers I remember drinking beers over there I couldn't be myself without alcohol yeah and I went to church of the city Franklin Tennessee okay that next morning and I walked in there and I heard the music and again here comes the music so powerful rose up inside of me and I just ran into the auditorium and stood there in the aisle and I heard the music yeah and the music just spoke to me and I felt the only way I could explain it's like my feet came off the ground and as a man who'd been living his life as a secret drug addict hiding in plain sight I'd never been higher and I'm like this is what I want this is what I need I had no idea I'm like well I'm going to sing about Jesus Christ for the rest of my life I have no idea what that looks like I don't know what it sounds like I don't even know how to do it but I want this is what I want and so in that moment Romans 10:9 says believe in your heart and confess with your mouth that Jesus Christ is Lord and if you believe that God raised him from the dead you'll be saved yeah so I cried out I said Jesus help me yeah I need your help I don't even know who you are I don't even know what this is right now but everybody's hands up the music playing do you remember the sermon that day oh was John reck was on stage singing God turn it around yeah okay give me a break God turned my life around yeah no just that Holy Spirit does that work it's that's that's incredible yeah so the song yeah and I did and he did I just I surrendered yeah and I said I'm done running wow yeah so that moment right what a phenomenal description by the way just the Vivid detail right of knowing what that day felt like even now just remembering it right yeah and so fast forward to the end of the service you've had this Encounter With Jesus right yeah I'm ready to roll I'm ready to go forward yeah what next yeah right what happened the next day I heard I think it's John Eckland talk about with recovery alive he has a whole chapter in his book talking about life after the arar call right yeah cuz we have these moments we show up and it's like they're real they're powerful oh yeah and I feel ready to conquer the world yeah and then the minute I step out the church the world is ready to conquer me yeah and sometimes it's a reality check yeah so what did that look like after the that moment that incredible moment you just described Oh you mean after the target been painted on my back right that was exactly well I walked out and it honestly no one talks about this either and I felt it I was probably loner I think I might have been loner than I'd ever been in a really long time after I gave my life to Jesus it was lonely yeah all my friends bye friends what are you doing Ben what are you brainwashed like Jesus yeah like what is this worship what are you God like people were freak I had friends I've still got lots of friends that I haven't heard from don't talk to anymore gone away blame me whatever it is I don't know I don't and I love them still it's just that God had other plans and I couldn't continue down the path that I was on yeah and it's amazing how he brings in and takes out people of your life all of a sudden it's like this person comes in for a bit and that person leaves and next thing all these they just but the Bible also says if you're not in my name right you either gather scatter so all of a sudden I'm just like I start speaking his name people are just coming or running so all of a sudden everything changed and so even my family was like are you sure this is how was that for you some people I've seen both sides where some people do really well the community changes they're good they just they're okay with that then I've also watched people wrestle with that seeing all their friends Stripped Away where was that for you well it's hard they give you a Bible and smack you on the backside and say man praise God yeah that's amazing you're saved we got another salvation today whatever that is we've got and I think I'm grateful for the Davenport family they wouldn't leave me alone yeah that's so good yeah they wouldn't leave me alone they would have let me alone and they kept inviting me back they kept inviting me over and then next thing more people started hey I heard you and then I became public about it I said what I don't even care I'm going to profess my faith out loud I got baptized November 10th 2019 and I just posted it online and I remember I had all these people started coming out yeah and who was there at my baptism with a towel was my best friend Paul and he landscaped with me for most of my life and I had no idea that he was secretly praying for me wow every day I would tell him things I would show up hung over and he was there to wrap me with a towel and say welcome to the family yeah I've been praying for you your whole life man you have no idea the power of prayer and how amazing that can be that's awesome how much it'll change somebody's life and he said I thought you were hopeless he said I thought you were hopeless I thought my prayers were never going to be answered yeah what a testimony of faith for him yeah absolutely what a build up a faith for him yeah and so now I look back on this thing going wow God and I've had people all along the way saying me too I was praying also yeah hey remember us remember we were weird and sweet to you 10 years ago that's why so these are people from Vermont yeah in this non-Christian Community 2% the Lord manag to find the people in that Community to pray for Ben doesn't he always before Ben even knew that he that what PR even was right know who he was yeah man yeah he is so good dude that's awesome think about the amount of people that are listening to this right now with no hope yeah that they have somebody that they don't even know maybe that has been praying for their salvation yeah praying for their heart to be filled up yeah for them to come to Christ and they're probably thinking you're crazy I there I have no hope I have nothing left I've shot it all way listen I was just down a death row Louisiana State Penitentiary thinking I'm going to go bring them guys some hope and a man named Bobby sang Over Me I hit my knees so fast it's like man there the power of prayer is just I'm sold on it yeah because I've watched the fruit of it I've seen I'm an example of it I've seen God work in places that you can't imagine yeah is't that such a call to action for the body of Christ yeah cuz how many BS are there that have had these radical moments at a church service but there wasn't a Davenport family yeah that had been praying to wrap the towel around them and that we see these this recidivism relapse whatever word you want to use for people come in and they're right they're ready for Harvest yeah and then there's just not that towel and I know you do some work in prison ministry and I want to ask you about that for a minute cuz I think I read a number and correct me if I'm wrong that the recidivism rate what you guys are seeing with some of the ministry work you're doing is pretty incredible like where those numbers are yeah so how did the Lord lead your steps into the jails man because that is you that's nobody wants to go there yeah nobody wants to go I think he led me there because honestly I never got caught I was the guy that never got busted yeah I was the guy that always somehow I have no idea how many times I my favorite thing was drinking and driving I have no idea how many times I would park my truck and have no idea where my truck was yeah have no idea how I got home or how I didn't swerve and kill somebody or myself honestly just dents on my truck the next I don't know it's nuts it's insane that he was protecting me the whole time but I never got caught and so God caught me on the outside so that he could send me in yeah that's so good and so now all of a sudden I'm inside these walls going what am I doing in here and I think he's shown me well these are the places that you could have been yeah these are the places that I could have let you come into before you could have got caught by any number of these police officers that would have brought you to any number of these prisons you've been into yeah but now you can also see that my spirit Knows No Boundaries either and that I go in there behind those walls behind those bars yeah doesn't matter how thick now I've seen some videos and on the internet right some of the concerts and the worship events you do inside the church inside the prisons which becomes church right when yall are having Church there yeah is there like is there anything more that you guys do is there more to that minute like Ministry that talk about those recidivism right that's driving that it's driving some of the positive out comes your experience here I have more Church in prison than I do in church to be honest with you those guys are sold out and they're tired yeah and they're looking like you said R earlier they're ready yeah they're they're receiving they're humble yeah they're honest and it's just it's blown my mind and not to say that people in the church aren't like that but I'll tell you I've just seen a higher amount of folks that are just willing and respect and want to listen and want to hear and so again I'm watching I've been going in with God Behind Bars okay they're amazing recently prison fellowship I've gone in with them but we were just at San Quenton with God Behind Bars and then also Louisiana State Penitentiary and Angola and just really powerful but these guys are we're baptizing these guys they're falling in the water they're coming in they're like I want this peace I want this love sign me up I'm I'm in I'm ready I got nothing left I got nothing else yeah and then the Bible says in your weakness he is strong so it's like I'm the weakest I've ever been I need strength right now yeah and so all of a sudden they're just following in and it was the most incredible thing I've ever witnessed just a massive move of the spirit of God and the Holy Spirit just takes over these places these chapels and these prisons and you talk about like violence all the levels everything is down so the wardens love us yeah we because it's like well come on back actually we're dealing with less suicides we're dealing with less stabbings we're dealing with less fights less arguments against our cosos like come on back anytime here's the key yeah like and it's just amazing to watch what God can do so I'm I'm excited we've got a few more prisons on the books this year and I'm just I'm like Here I Am Lord send me yeah so yeah it's so good it's funny you said before the beginning of the conversation I wasn't going to get to most of my questions you were absolutely right praise God the Lord does his thing he had a better plan it's it's it's phenomenal yeah so I do want to ask like right your song Who Am I 20 million noidea that's what Google said Okay so like man like how did okay how does that I me feel to get to that place like what I'm saying like not because what I hear in your story you weren't pushing for that right like like and so yeah that song specifically and yeah just like what does that reflect about your story your journey and to be at that spot and see the Lord just giv you this platform right and yeah and I know some people like we live in a like people chase platform nowadays right and there's this like constant tension we're all living under especially in Ministry like I got to be heard like people got to hear my voice right because they don't hear the voice they don't hear the gospel and that wrestling with that that I think people walk through yeah who I am in the eyes of the father who I am is love set free who I was I left at the altar I am yours Lord I believe yeah I he gave me that song to tell me my identity yeah and we wrote it in under an hour and it was special and Powerful we had no idea what was going to come out of it and what was going to happen and I felt it felt weird I still wasn't sure I still was like am I gonna and I've sung it I don't know how many times now yeah and I believe this last tour that I was on the if I got Jesus tour was my first headline tour he really he showed me it was one of the dates out it was like the first few nights out and I really felt the Holy Spirit say I was telling you your identity from that day forward that now you're no longer a drug addict you're no longer an alcoholic you're no longer a womanizer no you're a child of mine that's so and I love you yeah and you've turned around you've turned your life around you've come back to me yeah and I've got you wow and so to speak that over not only everybody in the crowd but myself m night after night I'm a child of the most high God and the most high God is for me yeah not like what am i g where am I going to get my next fix tomorrow or where am I gonna I need to stop for more beer no I'm speaking life over yeah myself I think is so important because it's so easy to get down it's so easy to to fall back into the ditch again yeah and so he told me my identity it's the truth yeah that's so good so yeah I'm just I'm grateful I'm honestly grateful it's all still crazy I set out for my own Fame and my own things when I went to Nashville with a 12pack in the passenger seat yeah and wanted to sing about country music and beer joints and the rest of it yeah and it's just crazy to watch how God brings it all around full circle and I played CMA fest with jod Cena in front of 50,000 people yeah and Sayang about Jesus and how he got a hold of me yeah incredible man you can't who the Grand old Opry all the rest but it's like those things I'm playing Red Rocks twice this year it's cool yeah but it's not that's not it still you'll reach that then what then you want to play in front of 500,000 people and then you want to so it's like if you're content with Christ yeah it's content just leave it at that God whatever else you do is awesome and running into the prison what a good song too man right that identity yeah and hearing that song but then also hearing your story yeah and for God to give you that message yeah to start speaking identity and life over others such a powerful thing man and on Amen man I love that so you got a new song you're dropping at midnight tonight the day of this interview right that's right and new album coming out you want to talk about that for a few minutes deep deeper still it's called I'm just really grateful for it and I'm I'm honestly like still trying to process what all God is going to do with that song it's it's but it's his love goes deeper yeah it goes deeper still it's like man keep digging and it's just and in my world I was digging for the wrong things I had a shovel in my hand I was digging dirt I was and I just was traveling down the wrong paths and once I realized oh this is where I need to be digging in the word of God I need to be after him I need to be reading daily and it's just amazing how it fills me up the smallest of digging in his word can fill me up for the whole entire day and when before I was just I feel like aimlessly wandering and looking and constantly searching it's that constant trying to like yeah so good it's just you're trying to constantly fill and there's just it's like a empty bucket a bucket with a hole in the bottom right everything just sucks right back out even posting online even my Social Media stuff it was all about how many followers can I get how many Fame how yeah I need to make sure to post this and these are the high times U 9:00 a. and 5:00 p.m. I need to make sure to put and it's like man and now I'm missing days and the label's like hey can you stay on that can you like make sure to keep your presence up and my management everyone's trying to like keep me but it's just like man I yeah okay I like when the Holy Spirit prompts me to post I'll post and I do and I love that but also it's like the scrolling thing like it can just it's endless yeah so if it ain't Jesus a it itna worken yeah well Ben I appreciate you taking the time to sit down and chat man and I'm excited for the concert this evening and for the worship event man like just with TC and you guys coming out to just show your support for TC and then also for this community cuz there are so many here that are hurting this Winchester Frederick County Shin Valley has been ravaged with addiction 50,000 people and our community that are battling and that's just numbers that we can guess those are the people who told the truth right wow and and so man I'm I'm grateful for you bringing your story and your hope to this community and taking the time to sit down and talk with me today man it's been a real blessing well you've been a blessing to me and we can assume that number is doubled yeah because I know who I was before Christ and Paul said apart from Christ My Flesh can do no good yeah and so I know who I was before him so we can just assume yeah so we need to be praying for them to come forward and just be honest because what are you running from yeah where are you going what are you going to do what's next but I'm grateful Teen Challenge is amazing I love them there's a Teen Challenge in Vermont yeah and I'm just honored yeah because thank you honestly because you make me feel less alone and you also make me feel like oh my gosh God can he's done it for you he's done it for me I feel less alone now even talking to you like okay woo he's still working he's still going because there are days that I'm struggling big time yeah like is this even worth it should I even keep singing yeah so tonight's going to be really special and just honored to be surrounded by a bunch of people that love Jesus amen more than me amen if you found this video helpful please give it a thumbs up and subscribe so you don't miss out on future content you can also catch another episode by clicking the link over here thanks for watching and we'll see you next time