From Addiction to Ministry - How God Gave Him a New Identity

when I started following Christ I found out everything I needed was right there that eminess that I had for so many years it was being filled and I was like well maybe this is what I was searching for this whole time well hey just welcome want to welcome you guys to another episode of the podcast rebuilding life after addiction my name is Justin franic and I'm here with Ashley Marner and man we're excited to sit down and have a conversation today real quick before we get into our conversation if this is your first time here and please subscribe to the channel hit the like button you can learn more about Shen Valley Adult Team learn more about Shen Valley Adult Teen Challenge on the internet on any of our social media feeds all the links are down below in the description and man we're excited Ashley how you doing today man I'm doing great sorry I asked you how you were doing right as you went to pick up your coffee yeah that's cool no man but thanks for sitting down the chat and I just wanted to yeah we'll just sit down and talk about your story talk about your testimony a little bit and so you just want to introduce yourself and then we'll roll from there yeah I'm Ashley M I'm from da Banks North Carolina I'm 36 years old and I'm here at shanadoa no I'm 35 wait a second yeah I'm at sh know old I know that's crazy at the shenoa valley Team crazy at the shenoa valley Teen Challenge and you just jump right into the story Yeah man so tell us a little bit about yourself did you obviously you're here and we're both here because we've had our stories we've had history addiction and whatnot and so tell us a little bit about your story maybe how you came up and how you ended up getting into drugs and whatnot when you did so growing up I had like a normal childhood when I say normal I had four brothers and two sisters and I also had two adopted Brothers my dad was a chairman Deacon of the church and both of my mom and my dad they had to work a lot because they had to support all of us but every time the church was open my dad had us in there and as a kid like he was like why are we in church so much like it as a I guess it started I started building like a resentment towards church cuz I was in there so much but I remember the stories growing up and and it actually just came back to me now like started coming back to me some of the stories I was here I was like wow this is more than a story like Noah and Moses part in the Red Sea but as I got older I started to walk away from the church when I became a teenager I had the decision where I can go to church or I canot go to church so I started staying home from church so your parents gave you the option teenager okay they did and so and another big thing is that I wasn't getting like the attention from home cuz my parents worked all the time to support us and so I turned to the streets it was the wrong love but it was at least I was feeling some love just out of curiosity the church that you were attending growing up would you there are different types of churches right and so some churches are very Grace driven some churches are very they follow the letter of the law what was your experience man my church is it was like this is how I felt is like anything that I'm do any that I do I'm going to hell I was like I told my dad one time I was like I don't even know why I'm even going to church I'm going to hell anyway and that's the way the preacher he that's the way he preached it was Salem Baptist missionary was Salem Missionary Baptist Church yeah and it was a lot of yeah fire and brimstone almost felt like they cut the heat up prior so that you would sweat while they were preaching right your strategy and it just turned me away from church for a little while because I was like man I didn't think there was nothing I could do so would it be like those feelings of like the the overly judgmental almost feeling the law feeling like you never measured up you were never good enough yes it felt like that all the time so you mentioned you started to run to the streets after that so was that where like was that some of what you were searching for you were looking for somewhere where you did connect where you were you trying to or what was the motivation there pulling away from the church and playing around on the streets well I think it was more so I was doing what I wanted to do and I didn't have to do what nobody was telling me to do but I really felt like I just wanted to be like okay I wanted that attention I wanted to feel like I belonged somewhere and of course they accepted me for a season and then it led me right back it led me to addiction well I was actually I turned into a drug dealer okay and then I started watching all my friends go to jail I remember walking home from school one day and we were walking to the little place where we went to go sell drugs at and I remember I was walking beside my friend and the cops the feds like 50 feds just came surrounded us and they picked him up left me there and like we were best friends I was probably 15 then 15 yeah and I remember him getting 3 years first time he ever been in trouble and he got 3 years in federal penitentiary wow yeah what was he holding he had a lot of weight on him well he didn't have anything we just got we like we just literally got out of school but it was an indictment from where I guess he had sered drugs to an undercover and so they've been he's been under surveillance for a while and after that I just turned away from the streets I like I'm not going to jail I'm not doing that so 15 you have this experience it almost scares you straight for a little bit right yep and then you fell back in later on so what did that process look like did you make it to the rest of high school living okay sober and well that's well I was with the whole selling drugs thing I was smoking weed I was walking to school thought it was cool just to smoke before I went to school and just to have that Aroma which is weird but it seems cool when you're walking in school and but my older brother I started hanging out with him and his friends and they drank and I think they did a little cocaine and so I went from selling drugs to hanging out with them and like the more you're around it the more tempting it is and like it's not something that I wanted to do but it's almost like fitting in again yeah what do you think it is that calls that cuz I know everybody most people not everybody I don't want to paint everybody with a broad brush most people I talk to they start out and like I don't I've not met many people that just started out Mainline heroin addicts yeah right what I'm saying like I just that's not the first thing you do when you're using yeah there a lot of people talk about pot whether it's a gateway drug or whatever but like there's this progression whether it starts with pot or anything else and so for you like what do you think it was that allowed you to progress from just I enjoy the hive getting smoking weed the the bad boy attitude what I'm saying cuz you that smell coming into school people know you've been smoking pie like it grabs the attention of people it does but then to hanging out with friends and cocaine and all that progression how did that take place for you well actually for me I feel like it was just who I was around and what was going on at the time cuz before everybody was smoking weed around me and so hey eventually I'm going to try and then everybody else was they were doing cocaine and I was like well it took me a little bit longer to do that versus smoking weed because like growing up cocaine wasn't really upset it was like you're a cokehead like that's almost bad well it is bad but for me I think it was just to fit in okay and then from fit on from fitting in it's I started to enjoy it so let me ask you a question there like somebody's using pot now right it's legal most places now so it's really not a big deal for most folks yeah and most of us don't recognize the progression yeah from one thing to another when we're trapped in the middle of it yep it's just part for the course have you ever thought about it retrospectively like what you could have done different L to maybe stop the progression I think honestly if I would have just stayed in church and listened to my parents I think I would have been then nobody wants that advice though nobody's ready for that preaching no it's almost like when your parents tell you that the stove is hot and you still touch it anyway you got to find out for yourself what do you think it takes for somebody to get from that point we're so self-reliant y we're so prideful like learning by experience is fine but there there are moment where we like if we just listen to people we don't have to learn by experience like what do you think it is inside somebody that like causes Us in those moments to really push people away what I'm saying and just like I've got to touch the stove I really think it's almost like a sense of Pride and you don't want to be told what to do it's almost like submitting like another grown man doesn't want to submit to another grown man yeah but if you just look at it like God placed this in your life it changes everything yeah but it's good yeah I think about that a lot just like the just the learning experiential nature of things but then trying to be I don't know as a matur in life like I try to put myself in the room with people who are further along than where I am now like I don't want to like if you've been through it and you can tell me a shortcut like I want to learn and in the middle of our addiction we're not really ready to hear anything from anybody but like that's why I ask some of these questions and I don't mind going into you the nitty-gritty of the progression and all that because maybe somebody's listening that's caught up in just a pot addiction it's like oh this is no big deal I'm never like for me I'm never going to put meth in my own like I'll smoke it I'll snort it but I'm never going to shoot it that's going to be that's the end all be all and I was never going to do it until I was doing it yeah and that I had that same feel like the same thought like whenever I heard about people like shooting up using needles dirty Dr addicts I said they're the worst of the worst they're the scum of the Earth but yeah until all of a sudden tell all of a sudden it was me and I ate those words so let's let's fast forward right so the progression tell me about everybody talks about this rock botom moment and their recovery and their sobriety the journey what was transpiring for you when you hit that rock b a moment and decided that it's time to do something different me personally Rock Bottom was always different like it was always a new bottom every time that I fell but one of them one of the biggest ones was when I started putting the needle in my arm and I remember saying that those people were the worst of the worst and they were the scum of the earth and next thing I was doing it and I ate those words and I remember the exact words God told me it was like you remember what you said about and look at you so I was no better but I remember staying with my parents I was sleeping in the back room and I was shooting up at the time and my mom and dad had left they went somewhere and they always had gospel music playing in the house and so I was going to my room I was in the living room I was going back there to my room but every time I would try to go to the room I would get turned around and I wouldn't like I wouldn't go back there and do my thing but and you if like when you shoot up heroin like you get sick if you don't have it all that day I never shot up anything my parents got home and I told them what was going on and she was like baby me and your daddy anointed that door handle so just for that very reason but not knowing that day my mom had drove to a bridge and she stopped at the top of that bridge and she said I was going to jump off because I could never imagine none of my children going through what you're going through right now yeah and to see my mom hurt like that it just took me to a bottom where it's just like what I need to get help yeah and so I went into a program and I think that was one of the turning points where like this is it yeah that's powerful man yeah I don't think we we never realize in the middle of it the pain that we're putting our family and the people close to us through and yeah especially when we have admiration and respect for right like a lot of people misunderstand that anybody individual that's caught up in addiction is like purposely trying to disrespect the family like I may be struggling and my actions may be negatively impacting somebody else but like there's still admiration and respect for our parents and our family members if you grew up in a gr home everybody doesn't have a great relationship but that can be jolting for sure and so what was that like draw us into that a little bit more man what was that like realizing where your mom was that man and man it was just it just showed me that it hurt her and it almost it was like man I keep putting my family through this hurt and it almost made me feel like I wasn't good enough at all and it was almost to the point where I wanted to commit suicide yeah because and in my mind this is how I played it out is that instead of putting my family through constant hurt like with the drug using and all that and if I just kill myself it'll be one big hurt and it's all over and that was my thinking back then and thinking that was going to solve everything but it wasn't yeah but it was tough to see my mom cuz she really she blamed it on herself yeah and I told her it wasn't her fault but as a parent you think it's your fault because you raised your child but all of our parents raised us but yet we still made bad decisions but yeah that's that part where it's like as much as you tell a parent or a family member that like they didn't do it's not their problem it's not their fault not that it's not their problem but like it's it's like they don't yeah as a parent now I think about that my kids like I watch their lives and I'm like man I hope to do the best I can raising them and that they turn out on the other side of this and God's been good I heard somebody say a long time ago it was in a book on the three C's of codependency for parents I didn't cause it I can't cure it and I can't control it and I think that's the part for family members it's like look you did best you can yeah no parent is like Dreaming or praying little Susie is going to become a drug addict right like I just hope that my kid goes off and starts shooting heroin nobody plans for that nobody plans that but like and I don't think we plan for it either as addicts yeah those aren't on our vision boards right like let me destroy my family relationships and all that and it really is there's something deeper we're seeking for yeah and you talked about that you talked about the on just wanting to be accepted yeah and just the wanting to be felt feel like you were part of something part of people and that drove that it really in the drugs no it's just that part of it yeah so get it on the other side man with your family Freedom following Jesus what was that like to like see your mom smil again oh man that was the best feeling in the world when I was actually in recovery and they were just so happy and it was like almost like being a child again because it was like restoring things that were broken for so many years because you're detached from everything and it was on I was building the trust back and it felt great and I don't like when you feel that good it's almost and this is another crazy way of thinking but it almost feels like it's too good to be true right yeah and that's when we self- sabotage yeah but yeah that feeling is the best in the world knowing that your family supports you and they're behind you 100% and they can sleep at night yeah they don't have to worry about whether you're going to be in jail or dead and yeah that's probably one of the better feelings that I felt yeah that's so let's talk about that approval thing for a little bit more cuz I think is as man we may play the game and act like we don't care what anybody thinks like it's a great line yeah it is good in regards to somebody's maybe somebody mistreats us or says something off the cuff that doesn't hit us the right way I don't care what you think anyways but then internally we think through that a lot what type of work have you done and Shifting your desire for approval right so if that was the thing that drove the addiction yeah and so how have you remedied that or worked on that a little bit to keep you from you're being so driven or so impacted by either the approval or lack of approval from other people well one of my biggest things is like after my dad died it was like it was a game changer it changed everything because I really didn't well let's go back because when I started following Christ when I became a follower I found out everything I needed was right there I like I felt that eminess that I had for so many years it was being filled and I was like well maybe this is what I was searching for this whole time it just felt like everything I needed was right there at the same time it was like I would want to go back to trying to please people yeah there's there's even scripture that talks about that and but I always like I always go back and forth yeah and that's the and then to I got to the point where it's like God is what I need no matter what this is how my life should be for the rest of my life and who cares what people thinks that my mom used to have a saying they said she said that they talked about Jesus what makes you so special right so yeah but we do as people I feel like what people says say about us can make or break us yeah you might call me fat or something like that and I can act like it doesn't affect me and I might go home later on like man I'm must be really fat feelings yeah man but yeah I don't but I think the real thing should be is what's what does God say about us yeah and that's a hard place to get to approval can be an addiction in of itself searching for the approval of others and I think about that a lot like it's preaching and being in front of people all the time and walking away there's this like fine line of like okay I'm preaching the word of God and who cares what anybody else thinks I'm doing it for God but then on the other side of that if nobody understands what I'm preaching or nobody connects or gets anything from it am I really doing my job as a preacher right and so there's that balance that we end up walking through of like relationship like doing what's necessary to build relationship and have good connections and people thinking well of us yeah but also not letting the opinions of others drive us and there's there's a fine line that we have to walk there cuz that was a big thing for me you talk about identity yeah and that was the reason I fell into the drug addiction and I man I worked at TC for 13 years that was the only adult job I ever had out of rehab and then I left and I'm telling you that first 6 months stepping away from the world of Teen Challenge and going out into the world trying to figure out who I was again and this I'm 30 couple years old at the time I've got kids whole different life but it was like how much of my identity was wrapped up in what I was doing yep and then having to go find myself again yep and that was an interesting Journey it was hard to walk through but wow ultimately we find ourselves in Christ and so looking toward the future man what is what I see your dreams your aspirations on the other side of this thing that you and the Lord are working out right now man it's funny because when I stopped using not went to recovery programs it's like almost thrived in those places like to a point where it just C became like natural to me like just serving and helping out and so but there's always I always felt like there's a reason that I came back yeah and I really feel like the Lord's just calling me to be in Ministry like this this ministry yeah far as helping people who has drug adiction so what's your favorite part about serving around the guys right now when you get to connect with them and whatnot oh man I like thr you on the spot oh yeah I know I like helping I really like helping I like to see the transformation yeah and to know that I made a difference in somebody's life and a lot of times guys don't see it like they don't see like holding them accountable for the rules as helping them or just being there to listen to them cuz everybody has stuff and just that is like fulfillment like I get more joy out of that than catching the 700 lb tuna right I love fishing but I think in description did you do that oh commercial fish oh man all my life I remember you had a shrimp thing stuck in your thumb when you got here yeah and that's just starting to heal now it was terrible yeah man but yeah so that is definitely like I feel like being in the ministry like this is what God wants me to do that's one of the real positives I think about TC it's on I hear this from a lot of people replicating the community elsewhere yeah seems almost impossible yep like most folks will say that like even whether you love or hate the process the discipline all the stuff that goes into being in Teen Challenge yeah most folks I will hear talk about how they had a hard time replicating the same Brotherhood and comaraderie that you have within the residential program that's why it's easy to stay around these environments cuz it's like people just connect yeah and you end up finding friendships that you would never expect right otherwise and I think that's powerful man one of the biggest things is too is like being in the recovery world you Run and meet so many different people and then like when you see some of the same people that you met in another program and it's like man what are the chances that God has us here right now at the same exact place at the same exact time like I would never thought that I would be in Mount Jackson right like if you would have told me that to years where that was before you came here oh absolutely not I didn't even know it exist but it was just like a preacher said the other day it was like anywhere you are is Holy Ground yeah like where God has you at is Holy Ground we try to make it this great big thing like God wants me to go preach in front of millions of people but it starts right where you're at yeah that's really good man that's yeah I think the one thing I U when we look at God's will for our lives and I think sometimes we try to like pinpoint and we want very specific details oh yeah and I'll never forget when I left New York Teen Challenge years ago to come to Virginia like I wasn't sure whether I was supposed to stay whether I supposed to go it's in the middle and I'll never forget the preacher sitting down I'm like dude am I leaving God's Will by leaving New York yeah and he just looked at me and he suggesting God's will is really big yeah like the will of God for you is to serve him where you're at right and unfortunately a lot of great things happened and my life is where it is because we came down here but like that's the beauty like we get to follow the purpose of the Lord wherever we're at right it doesn't have to look a certain way it doesn't have to feel a certain way and I think sometimes we put too much pressure on ourselves trying to pursue this version of God's will for our lives that may or may not be his will right but it's like let's just make the most of where we're at in the moment and right here we are sitting on the couch in Harrisonburg having a conversation for a YouTube channel what and here's God in the middle of all this and U man that's awesome and it was just like we like the thing that happened a few months ago where I had a job offer at another Ministry and tell like everything that I possibly would want but younger me probably would have took that yeah but to sit and wait and pray about it and hear God says no like no just wait be still it's good and it's like man I really don't want to be still but it's probably what's best for me yeah and that is a big that is one of the biggest struggles that's still in this piece and I don't know that it gets easier I still struggle with it it's like God what's next or what am I supposed to be doing always looking for the next thing instead of just enjoying what's right in front of me do you think we get caught up in like the like what's next versus the waiting room like just staying there and waiting and enjoying what's there like right that's my biggest problem is like I can't really focus on what's in front of me because I'm worried about what's next yeah that's really good man yeah well I appreciate you sitting down and chatting sharing your story opening up for folks here online and man thank you guys for watching in please if you have questions comments even some snide remarks you can leave those in the comments below thank you for following along again shinid Valley Teen Challenge we've got links in the description below if you want to become a monthly supporter you want to come and join us at the Ben Fuller concert which is happening on March 6th at Winchester Church of God that's going to be an incredible night of worship and again if you need help all of the above is down in the description below thank you so much for tuning in and thank you Ashley having this conversation yes God bless