Rock Bottom to Redemption: Jeff's Journey of Purpose in Recovery

it has to do with who I am in him and am I going to be convicted by the Holy Spirit when I'm wrong the bottom line is that it's a heart issue yeah everything's a hard issue what's the intent behind it is the intent to get the glory or is the intent to give God the glory the best thing that you can do when you are going through something is serve well Jeff man thanks so much for sitting down and chatting on it's always fun to get back together after the years of working together and then having you come out tonight for the Teen Challenge Freedom nights here at our church and man we were chatting and connecting ahead of time and maybe you can feel free to share a little bit of your story as we intro into it but really the whole purpose of the podcast and what we've been doing is focusing on rebuilding life after addiction right you and I have both been in the recovery space for a while help people with addiction and one of the things that's always I think troubled me is to watch people especially go through long-term programs and then get out and it's like everything that they have to do after rehab hits them in the face been a heart of mind with this podcast to really just talk about the rebuild and I think specifically we were going to talk a little bit about what does it take to mine underneath all those layers of addiction and find that purpose right that exists inside of somebody but before we get into all that why don't you take a moment just introduce yourself and then we'll we'll jump into the conversation sure that's a lot it's great to be here I appreciate it man time we spent together was invaluable it's funny because I remember when I was in Southern California I was in Long Beach California never thought I'd leave and I sent a resume and you lost it for three weeks so I thought of course well I'm never going to make it to Virginia and it must not been God's will so on and so forth but it's funny how you found that resume and man my story is long and short really it's it's long as it's still going but I was really good at one thing at when I graduated high school the first poor choice I made was instead of going to the music college and doing all that I went into the military probably not the wisest thing for someone who maybe predisposed maybe because the whole birth family was predisposed was they were alcoholics and drug addicts and taking somebody and putting them in the military and then sending them to Germany next to Holland where hash was legal alcohol was it was a reward in the military to drink so that was the first port and then what I was really good after that is I was really good at making poor choices great at making poor choices really good at it I could probably give lessons on how to make if you want to know how to make a poor choice I'm your guy right yeah and so what led up to some of that with the going into the military and you said you're really good at making poor choices was it just carryover from maybe not like maybe the word is maturing right into that place where you learn to course correct as you were younger and feel consequence what I'm saying and make a new Choice like what was the trouble there I didn't feel any consequences I felt them but there was so much apathy there was in my life I just didn't care I didn't care about anything obviously I didn't care about myself but or others that's that's evident when you don't care about someone else right but when I just didn't care I could care less about what the I knew what the consequences were I didn't care and I think the didn't care part had to do with the low self-esteem now it didn't matter that I was all state for the tenor saxophone and all state Jazz Ensemble it didn't matter that I was the quickest to learn in National mors code and whatever class that was it didn't matter that I had these little giftings here and there little pockets of giftings I didn't care it didn't matter because I was comparing myself to others I really think that's a lot of it boils down to that I was comparing myself to others saying he's got this he's taller he's in better shape he's got a better girl whatever the girlfriend or wife or whatever and it came down to me not appreciating who I really was and the bottom line is that I grew up Lutheran and I grew up not really knowing who Jesus was I had no clue who the Holy Spirit wasn't until I entered the doors of Teen Challenge many years later 2005 in Southern California in San Diego that's when I was introduced to the Holy Spirit and that's when there was an initial change it wasn't a permanent change because there was still floundering after that for probably another four or four years or so but then I went into finally in 2009 is when the Holy Spirit really got a hold of me and then he introduced me what my Ministry was and I had no idea I had any type of ministry I was going to be a part of a Ministry because there was 20 years when bid didn't play piano 20 years I took music lessons from the time I was 8 years old yeah I don't think I've heard that before I didn't realize there was a 20e gap that's crazy yeah last time I played was I played in military in Germany in a funk band yeah then I didn't play until really 2005 and then 2009 really was when the director of teen chall of Southern Cal in San Diego said okay we're going to allow students now to be a part of the worship team and to lead worship and but as far as music Ministry I had no clue what that was and I think there's Foundation there yeah not that's identity because I can get in trouble with that people have got in trouble with that you can probably see some of that today yeah in all the production work that's done on all of these YouTubes and stuff we have here even now yeah absolutely but we were just talking downstairs and it the bottom line is that it's a hard issue yeah complete heart everything's a hard issue what's the intent behind it is the intent to get the glory or is the intent to give God the glory and I didn't know any of that I had no idea what it meant to give God the glory for anything yeah I grew up Lutheran it was pretty close to Catholicism I'll never forget this I was 13 I think I was just confirmed wearing the white robe and all that and I think see if I hav't lost my train of thought I probably did was wear in a white Rogue got confirmed 13 so they changed the Apostles Creed from holy Christian Church to the Holy Catholic church now they meaning the word Universal but there was something at the age of 13 that hit me and I said I don't know what that means that why are we changing this and my grandparents were they understood and years later they joined Baptist Church and that was the first time I was introduced to I guess who Jesus was yeah so that you mentioned your connection and being introduced to Jesus and the Holy Spirit right and while you were at Teen Challenge and then your journey through through all of that some people calling the gifts out in you and whatnot but specifically the connection with the Holy Spirit how did that perspective shift and seeing who Jesus was and then also understanding that there's this power that exists right to be a part of my life changed some of that you talked about the self- worth self-confidence issues you struggled with right prior to but what changed when you were introduced to Jesus and then the holy spirit for you that gave you a little bit more self-confidence and selfworth it was 2010 probably I was in the ministry Institute and I was not playing or singing on platform I was in the congregation enter in but it was still one of our teams and there was this drummer and it happened twice and I had and I thought for a second I can't explain it other than to say those tubes that you would stand in and money's floating around like there's air pushing money up it happened twice when he was drumming and there's no way that much air was being pushed out of a kick drum right I thought for second it felt like somebody was gone like all over me there was a piece that I absolutely knew that I knew that okay now you're real yeah making choices after that I've made a couple poor ones I've had from Jersey sometimes Jersey Jeff can come out it's been tempered a lot though over the years as I've grown older cuz I'm only what 30 32 years old something like that 30 since I'm 30 yeah 30 but I also know that my identity has nothing to do with anything I do and my and one of the comments tonight is my position is where I'm seated like where I'm positioned in the kingdom of God now is much more important and the influence that I have on others there's there's many Ministry opportunities that I see some I don't take advantage of some I do and there's a conviction there and I have no idea how to answer that question yeah no I think that was a good answer talking about your encounter me you just said a lot there with the whole position thing I touched on that in my sermon on Sunday here at church was that like it doesn't matter how many accolades are thr away like if we're the position is not going to do it for us it's just not going to push us across the finish line or push us to a place of on confidence and commitment it builds up for a little bit but the challenge with pursuing the accolades or having the position is that if that ever goes away then all the confidence we think we had in it also go out the door and so Ashley always said it to me like this when we got married she said I didn't need you when I got married I wanted you I brought a whole person into this relationship and I think it's the same thing with gifts talents position or whatever like that Holy Spirit brought that wholeness into your life and so because you were able to be confident in him then you're able to step into the positions and actually use them for the glory of the Lord rather than the glory of us in that process and that's a hardfought battle we all because we all get it wrong I have more than enough times the position is where I'm seated in the Kingdom knowing that now it's it's been said would you still serve me if yeah right and that's what it comes down to it as part of tonight's the Apostle Paul humility Christ humility forgiveness humility everything has to do with again it's a heart issue so is the heart proud or is the heart humble and that's what it boils down to is was is am I a proud guy yeah I can be men probably a little bit more than women but we're all prideful people yeah and that's why he wants to soften our heart that's he's definitely softened my heart over the years but because of the foundation it's a lot easier to look past things and look over things and because love does cover a multitude that's good man yeah love covers a multitude and I think yeah because if he took everything away when I had when I've had some really pretty severe health things that were great now but five years ago we were that close yeah and here's the thing here's a funny thing when I was laying on hospital bed I was in there for about a month hope put H my wife hope put the phone on me and put worship music on see well I'm going to get filled up thinking about that she I told her I didn't want to hear it PE I told her take it off me I don't want to hear it I didn't want to hear any music yeah nothing because that wasn't important to me at that point boy that's that's good at that point in time music was not important to me what was important to me was my wife being there w Health coming back yeah did we start again with music absolutely because the Lord didn't take that from me but thinking about that would you serve me if yeah that's really good this was taken away yeah because it was close I heard a missionary say that the Challenge and the threat of the Christian life that I think we don't talk about as much and modern culture is that we're going to suffer the key is learning to suffer with joy having such a close relationship with Jesus that like even when all manner of struggle happens and loss happens that we don't make sense of like how do we suffer well and I think sometimes like we're we're in an Americanized Christianity and so a lot not that I don't think that God wants us to be healthy wealthy or prosperous but that's not the foundation of the Gospel like I said Sunday and is a call to come and die it's trading our old life for his new life and sometimes that call is to come and suffer and it took me a while to understand that because I always man we walk through some seasons of Teen Challenge and you were there through some of them like we could just never crack the financial net and it's like God am I what am I doing wrong what am I missing why does it seem like I look around and see other people prospering yet no matter how hard we try we can't get the finances C away and it wasn't until later on once I moved on from Teen Challenge that it's like he was teaching me a lot during those seasons and I wish he' had a different way to teach me because it was stressful but that's such a good point man will I still serve him and that's that's hard sometimes man yeah and I that taught me a huge lesson it's said yes Lord I will because that's not where my Foundation is my Foundation has nothing to do with the keyboard or the vocals or putting teams together or manage it has nothing to do with it yeah it has to do with who I am in him and am I going to be convicted by the Holy Spirit when I'm wrong that am I going to be convicted because if I'm not then again it's back to the heart issue and is it a heart of humility or is it a heart of Pride yeah that's really good so let's talk about getting to that place of really discovering your calling I know Paul talks a lot about love and humility all around the gifts it seems to be the reoccurring thread when he starts to talk about the church pulling itself together right anytime the gifts are mentioned it's like he sandwiches it with love and humility and so like and there's something to be said there right because I think sometimes our gifts can pull the best or the worst out of us and if we're not careful now I know he's talking about spiritual gifts but I want to talk a little bit about like she didn't play the piano for 20 years somebody called that out in you right and how did you discover that path forward right like here I am I'm coming off of addiction I just got through rehab what the heck am I going to do with my life like how do I figure that out and obviously all situations are different but let me just ask you that question straight up we'll see what comes out and go from there I saw this baby grand piano in San Diego Teen Challenge and always wanted to play it but I was never allowed that was my first trip through challenge because I was one of those guys that went through almost 6 months it's a year program but I only went through six months I thought I had it but 6 months enough right no it's 50% of the commitment that you made so always wanted to play it never had a chance to play it I didn't know what worship music was I had absolutely no clue when I first heard a very embryonic Chris Tomlin song and people were raising their hands I of course thought that y'all were crazy I had no idea what the concept of surrender but when I saw that piano I just sat down what finally I got permission I can't remember the whole details of it but I was given permission then I went to the second phase and the second phase there was a guy in there he was on my team and he knew he's the one that really called me out and said you're because he asked me to play Silent I'll never forget he asked me to play Silent Night at a Christmas function okay One Song it's it's all you're getting one song yeah not singing just very light in the background and I really think he wanted to see my heart I think he wanted to see if I would buck and but I was honored to do it and the next thing that little Act of and I believe that was an act of humility looking back that little Act of humility of being humble s sure I'll play Silent Night for you turned into now started to lead Worship in the What's called the castle in Riverside California in this huge Cathedral Castle just with hundreds of PE and again it was a it was simple Act of humity that's when it got called out but it wasn't until honestly I think here when your mom said to me said Jeff you are exactly where you're supposed to be yeah and she walked up to me at the service and I think that's really almost all she said at that point you were exactly where you're supposed to be and I said okay and that hit me and we haven't left we've grown spiritually we've grown to teams but more importantly it's turned into a life group where we are doing our best to do life together sometimes we see each other four times a week depending on the schedule you had a gift for that even when you were at TC of pulling people together especially with the worship team and of course intake and all that you just you're so good at communicating with the families but watching you come in and we really didn't have much going on worship wise and as you came in and started just rolling with things man you ended up being able to it's almost like the gift that was given to you started to give to other people seeing the gold and the gift giting in them and pulling it out and starting to engage them and pluck them into different spots of the team did a really good job with that man like that was one of your talents and gifts that I saw in you come alive when you were serving at sbtc and it was awesome CU then the sound that's coming out of our Teen Challenge worship team on the mountain like when before we're playing tracks off of YouTube or it was just it was awesome to watch that well it's being plucked out of plucked twice I believe in my life I was plucked out of or that addictive family I didn't grow up with them I was adopted when I was almost poor so I believe God literally plucked and pulled me out of that and placed me in the family that enabled me to take music lessons and so on for so forth and then I also said to you something when I first came to Virginia that I said it on the phone to you because we were probably talking about spirital growth how's your heart how so on and so forth you don't know me from Adam I'm thinking about bringing you over 3,000 Mi to and I said well Pastor I live in the world and sometimes a little bit of the world gets on you that's what happened there I believe God took me out of that situation because I believe that I could have if left my own device is that the phrase I could have looking back started the flounder again because I believe that some of that identity was going back to the music even after training even after but the support really wasn't there I was left to my own I ended up getting my own job I was leading worship at a church to 2 hours away they were paying me a ridiculous amount of money to do so and I think some pride started to set into that heart and I believe that God gave me because there was just something I never thought I'd leave Southern California ever but there was something there was a tugging there was something saying No it's it's time and I'm like what is going on so I believe both of those times that I was plucked almost like a saving God saved me from that family so that I because I would have probably died no doubt probably died spiritually or physically yeah and even left in Southern California by myself maybe so I think one of the things when it comes to after care is the after care there either is after care or there's not after care and there's either something set up or there's not something set up as far as recovery programs not just Teen Challenge but any anything that's long term I'm not talking about 30-day 90day programs you barely get your this crap out of your system right but if you're in it for 6 months or so it's it's it's a long term but what are you doing after that and that's one of the things that I believe needs to be in place in any program it's I call it the either five or six things that are necessary for a successful Christian Life and the first one is a home Church Transportation communication a place to live and a job and those five things being in place when you leave a program but then there has to be a support so it is six days because just because you have a home Church doesn't mean there's there's supportive there but there has to be some accountability that's the word I'm looking for yeah if there's not accountability you can go to church and be invisible y you can go to your job and be invisible you can stay at home and be invisible you can talk on the phone and use your phone communicate and be invisible with Facebook and everything else that's out there yeah so what's the one thing that addicts and alcoholics Do they hide yep right I never really like to drink in public but when I wanted to drink I drank by myself y cuz I cuz why cuz there's I'm not proud of that instinctively I know yeah that I'm making a wrong poor choice but again apathy is there so I don't care yeah don't care about the consequence going to drink anyway but why because there's something about me that I just don't like there something about my situation about the choices that I made in the past guilt shame I'm telling you man that's good yeah it's terrible yeah and if that continues which it did when that continues because it will yeah if there's no accountability in the beginning at long term of course but especially in that first six months yeah if there's not something that's regimented not then floundering is going to happen has a better chance to happen so we don't even get to the walls and the roof and the doors and the window treatments and all of that no until we buildt the foundation and so many putting up some framework maybe putting up some 2x4s some studs but you might put a trust in yeah right but there's there's no Plumbing but that's where the whole but what's the one thing I'm going to do or what's God got me doing 10 years 15 down years down the road or that big idea but there's going to be a lot of time in the dirt and digging and doing the on the non sexy work for lack of a better turn cuz it's just break by Brick and that's what it is it's like hey you're probably not going to have your ideal job coming right out of rehab but go get a job get the ball rolling because you can always upgrade but the problem is that vacuum we will find something to fill it if there's nothing in there yeah man that's that's so good so what is that key then because the recurring theme I'm hearing is this heart of humility the heart issue right that's kept coming up in our talk the whole time we've been talking serving yeah what are some of the keys to getting to that heart of humility cuz everybody has a different opinion on what rock bottom looks like and all of that but for you man what did it for you to be able to get to that place that you were able to be humble and start to accept whether it be accountability correction or just the path that the Lord had laid in front of you well there was one instance when we parted ways there was something there that when you talk about correction sometimes God will chastise to correct but for some reason that was open to correction and I don't know what how do I have a hard what changed how do I have a harder humility of I do remember when I first got divorced going through that process that was a terrible situation with the kids and separation and all that I was good with my drinking I was good for a while and then the airplane bottles started to enter my life and I went I was going to a Baptist Church a time in Westfield New Jersey and the one guy said to me it was right around Thanksgiving because he said what are you doing Thanksgiving and he just said to me he said the best thing that you can do when you were going through something and this divorce is something is serve and he asked me he said do you want to help serve Thanksgiving dinner I didn't want to help serve Thanksgiving dinner I wanted to drink and get drunk that day I didn't have the kids I served Thanksgiving dinner man that was life-changing yeah we were talking about getting to a place of humility and they mentioned that service thing man and that was on yeah I'm trying to remember I'm trying to rock my brain here 20165 I've told people there's somebody I won't mention his name there's somebody that was in our program he's now doing radio stuff d DJ stuff like not dj I'm talking about right and he wanted this I'm going to get this and I simply said to him who are you serving yeah how are you helping so usually you go into a store and the first thing is how can I help you right nobody hears that you don't even hear it yeah everybody says it I simply say how can I help yeah and whatever the situation is how can I help anything can I help no okay I can't help but I remember telling this guy that cuz he was homeless he was going back to being homeless or he was homeless he was in a terrible situation I said go to the shelter and serve soup it doesn't matter you're homeless what are you going to do at least you'd be warm he did that he ended up working six months there they ended up giving him a place to live there a room or a small apartment whatever ended up getting a part-time job but he's still serving and there are many moments where I've made a choice to say I got serve in some capacity the beginning of this year I was getting finances from the church right for the past however many years you grow we get more you grow get so on and so forth this year gu the Lord's told me this has to do with giving and that's also serving right this has to do with giving he's hold me he said okay now I want you to get rid of your salary he said what that's the whole israil industry that to get to the place where you're getting paid like like to do the work like yeah and was they were it's a genous church yeah right I said okay literally like that I joke about it but when I heard that's what I was supposed to do I said okay there was no bucking do a week and a half later I got an offer for position that almost doubled my salary wow again it's about serving it's that heart of okay in order to give your good earnings that you work hard for I have to be humble there has to be a level of humility there yeah cuz it's it's it's what we just worked for that's right it's my what is that faithful and little faithful and much right I was listening to a guy talk about this and he's talking about this process in regards to giving and he said you plan Vision dream planning means I'm just planning with what I have in my hands and vision is okay now I start to do the thing not with what's in my hand but what's with what's in the Lord's hand and then the dream of course is where it all starts to come alive what is the goal like he was talking about a giving goal that he had set and he he asked told God he's like want to give an additional $10,000 this year to the specific thing and he said yes God I'll do it and then just a few months later he got a call to go do a thing where it was going to pay him an exactly 10 thou just those type of stories man and being able to but it is humility it's if we look at the cross what's the cross based off of yeah forgiveness is based off humility because if he was he was a humble servant yeah lonely didn't recognize him didn't stand out of the crowd that he was the strongest man that ever lived yeah that's in tonight's mes too yeah so is it interesting because that's the part right that might be the key to all of it maybe not might but that's like this heart of humility really for freedom and everything right because addiction and of itself can become this very self-absorbed Behavior right like we I got to get the next fix I got to it's all me we've heard that a thousand times right and the path toward overcoming selfishness is a life of selflessness and that's why I think traditionally people that finish programs like Teen Challenge that find a place to go intern serve they do better we've said that a million times and I still believe that because I think that if the Lord gets a hold of you and you connect yourself to a purpose then the chances of freedom and staying Freedom they go up exponentially it's not even close like the amount of people that end up doing better because they find something to just give their lives to and yeah it's it's so key man so what are you doing with life now let's well I been speaking here tonight in leading worship and quite a bit it's been quite the ride so I'm still at church still at the same place been eight years this may and again we're growing in as far as the team is concerned you talk about putting systems in place so we have systems in place we'd like to get the production value up a little bit the online presence up but I do have so we've been planning yeah with what we have but now because of this position this is where I know he's got a hold of my heart the very first thing I said when I got this position was now we'll be able to give more and we were able to double it's incredible man and God doesn't need it but there's something internal about the growth and it's a progressive thing it's absolutely Progressive you said if you don't tie yourself into something with purpose then you can flounder and that's exactly it the purpose that hope and I have is this congregation is not the worship team but it's the congregation it's the Pastoral staff it's how do we pour into the members of the worship team not just growing the worship team but how do we pour into members of the worship team this year a goal is to write some songs as a team nice I've written a couple bit and record them out in LA but that was more for fun my wife we've been blessed with she's finishing her master's practicum she's getting paid as a counselor and she hasn't graduated yet yeah wow these types of things the hand of God is just on us right now could I mess it up sure if I chose to right but I've seen so much goodness our staple song There Is goodness of God yeah it's a jam we bust that out at any point in the day yeah so good man the goodness of God it really is there seems to be something stirring in the body of Christ and I don't know if it's Nationwide but I've seen it in the valley like as I've been visiting different places and hanging out with my friends down in Harrisonburg they've got this like prayer and worship movement they're doing down there and the one thing that I think has blown me away about how God's moving in this season there's this like Spirit of unity across churches and across Ministries that I didn't traditionally see early on in ministry right like people are binding together but yet God is pouring his spirit and his Blessing out in the middle of it and I'm hearing you guys your church is growing our church other churches are growing and this is a Time culture tells us like everybody's pushing the church away but God's stirring to hunger up in people and I it's an exciting time man to just be in that place where it's like I'm just going to love on God's leaders I'm going to love on his people and just be ready for the Harvest that's coming in it's it's incredible yeah I had to absolutely agree it is a time of harvest yeah being able to pour out into leaders like you said is I think a lot of people don't realize the sacrifice that goes into working in a Ministry like Teen Challenge and I had I had a conversation with a leader after I left TC and things started going well for us my job and everything that we were doing and then Jehovah sneaky you got me back into ministry here we are again but it's just different at this point like but I had a leaders we started to see some success in our life like and start to see things finally square up for us financially after 13 years of chaos I said I don't like I'm doing well and he said well Jus you spent all this year sewing seat while you were working in scene challenge finances you had to get them but it was inconsequential many years like there were some struggles along the way and but he just he made that statement to me I'll never forget it he's like you're experiencing blessing now like it's like there's there's a harvest like the fruits growing after all the years of being trying to be faithful the best I could considering where I was in life and I think this the same You Got Served Faithfully at TC during you came in man and you were godsent when you came out from California I don't know if I've ever told you this since but dude you showed up not just the worship but the stuff that you helped put place with Admissions and getting the men's program in order like we went from 10 students to 40 like in short order between the women and the men things just exploded dude it was a ride man but it course you need more money right but on the outside looking in like everybody saw just his ministry exploded but didn't I don't think realize a sacrifice that people like yourself and Peggy and Colleen and others were making behind the scenes to be able to see those lives come into the kingdom and man it I'm I'm grateful for it cuz we were all just in it fighting together and things got dicey at times but man the Lord managed to move and I lived with a Bluetooth in my ear yeah I did it was always in my ear because I was I knew I had to take the call I didn't know what call I was taken but I knew I had to take a call cuz the cell phone number was out there yeah and P not Peggy but Colleen it's funny you mention her very first person I brought into TC there the very first mom that I prayed with over the phone was her mom yeah so good man yeah we're going to see her next week we're going to Georgia yeah and Ashley and I are going to come back with her man I appreciate you sitting down and chatting it's good man to catch up and for those who are local Pastor Jeff is over at Spirit and Word Fellowship in Steven City I would encourage you if you're in the area find their Facebook check them out if you're not in the area find their Facebook cuz he just said they're going to be improving the production quality even more online so check that don't judge right now but do worship on streaming is incredibly difficult yes it is yeah it's wild you have to yeah there's so many people that say oh I can do this on Facebook and hey just let me yeah you do need equipment yeah you need equipment is do you have any party words man just as we I am grateful to be here the Lord talked to me all day today I had half a message nice half a message this morning and sounds like every Sunday right and all of a sudden this illustration came into my head and you'll see it tonight hopefully I won't make a mess nice the illustrations in the fridge so but this illustration came to me and he said this is what's happened so I said okay I said it doesn't make sense then I we start that anyway it's just it was a blessing to be able to focus cuz it's been a minute since I brought a word and to do the entire service is usually what happens and for those who are watching head over to the Teen Challenge Facebook page the message will be online as well so this isn't live right now so I don't know why I like that so you'll be able to scroll back and catch the message but man God bless you guys thank you for tuning in and chatting and and just pray blessings over you please take a moment hit the like button subscribe to the channel leave us a few comments if you got any questions about the stuff we talked about specifically about finding your purpose please drop a comment below we'd love to connect with you and help you as you rebuild your life after addiction God bless