Should We Tell Our Kids About Our Addiction?

So, our kids never saw our addiction, but they've heard the testimonies. They've been in the room and we shared our stories. And for me, the question has never been, "Should I tell my kids about my addiction?" It's how do I bring them into my story wisely? How much do I share? When and what's actually helpful for our kids' hearts? And so, Rob and I in this video are going to dive in to the topic on should we tell our kids our story? Should they know about our addiction? Rob, what do you think, man? Bro, why? it's crazy, right? Like God didn't save us so that we could like hide our past and pretend as if we never had any failures. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Right. Right. If we look at all of the individuals that had gone through any form of transformation throughout scripture, they had something lingering over them that was quite honestly really embarrassing, right? Whether they were the prostitutes, whether there was a drunkard, right? We got David the murderer, right? And so but what did he do? He took and made beauty from ashes, right? That's good. And I think that's a thing that we need to understand as parents that it's okay to have a broken past, but there's that Japanese art, I think it's called Katsui or something like that. Or what's amazing about that art is they actually take something that's whole and break it and then they take gold lacquered. lacquered. lacquered. I've seen that. Yeah. and they bind it back together because there's beauty in the brokenness, right? And it's like it's but it's an art. And I feel like that's our lives too with the Lord, right? He like we're broken people. He comes and gives us his holy spirit, but he gives us his son who sets us free from our troubling past. past. past. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And brings us back into reconcil or rel right relationship with him. Right. But it's it's a beautiful story, right? Like he wants that to be displayed. He wants that to be used so that he would get the glory so that we don't have anything to really say about it. what ? mean? mean? Yeah. It's really good. there's this tension, I think, for a lot of people, and you were alluding to it earlier when we were talking like offline or in our first attempt to record the video that like a lot of it, I don't think, is necessarily predicated on us being concerned about our kids finding out, but more thinking about like the parents, other parents that we have to be around, right? And you made mention earlier that well, when people find out that I work for a recovery program, I spend all my time around addicts, it's like the other parents start to get a little hesitant, well, oh, they're an addict. And there's still some of that stigma out there, and so like sometimes we try to hide things maybe not necessarily to protect our kids' hearts, but because we're embarrassed like Well, and not just that, man. to even take it a little step further, being open and vulnerable about that could quickly shut doors of opportunity. opportunity. opportunity. Yeah. True. Yeah. And so me sharing that I was once an addict to somebody, all they heard was addict. They didn't hear the once was part, right? And so they hold that against you. And now it's like this invisible wall has now got come up. And Danielle, we laugh about this all the time, but we'll start to build relationships with people. And I find that when I'm too transparent with individuals, I end up breaking and severing that relationship because it's like I was open too much. Right. And I want to be open. I want to be transparent. I want to be vulnerable with people. But it's like this ongoing joke that we'll never have friends, right? right? right? Yeah. It's true. what bro? It's it's it's wild. But let me ask you like what does it do for you like when it comes to like the fruit and like Yeah. So like well I think I've I've always been open with my story in front of my kids. They've heard me share I've shared testimonies and all that, right? right? right? And I hope that even not sharing. So there's two parts of this. There's the polished testimony that I share on stage, right? But then there's like the sharing of active struggles that I'm walking through, right? I heard Sean Kandel, one of the YouTube guys that I listen to all the time say, "You should share your scars but not your open wounds." wounds." wounds." Right? And so there is a part of the feeling that happened before you. 100%. And I think it's the same with our kids. Like I don't think we need to bring our kids into all of our trauma and our ongoing like maybe we're having marriage struggles or all of that. they can sense it, but they don't need to know everything. But I think the girls knowing that I've been through some things and I've been transparent about it goes back to the point that my kids don't need me to be perfect more than they need me to be honest. And I would hope that my ability to be vulnerable and share with them would open the door that down the road they'll be open with you. They need to have that conversation. They know I'm a safe person, right? Because dad's doesn't act like he has it all together all the time. Yeah. My dad, my mom messed up. So it's okay. Like if I mess up, they're not going to see me differently. Now, I don't want to be an incompetent sitcom TV dad that never gets anything right. Like I want that reverence and respect. You just have to draw that. What's the fear there? There's a fear there, right? It's can I be open with my kids? Does that give them the license to continue to walk down that path that I did or I honestly so what I've seen in our girls like they have literally had a front row seat to watching people for 16 years my oldest watching the worst outcomes from people using drugs right I maybe it's scared straight on steroids but the struggle and like so yeah I think that's that's an interesting part like of it so they I think it's also encouraged them away from it Now, we've done a lot of other stuff to encourage and try to speak life into them, but so what about like concealment, right, for those who may conceal their past from their friends, their family, their kids, like what does that create in somebody? Like how do they Yeah, man. I think a lot of shame is built and rest there and I think the reason why the shame is there is because they haven't fully embraced God's love. And for me, I'm still learning how to embrace God's love. love. love. Yeah. And I had this story where I just had this experience this morning, but my dog every day, whether I'm coming into the house, leaving the house, I'm in the bed, but particularly this moment. I was in the bed and I was just chilling with my wife and the dog as soon as it hears my voice just comes up to me and just like licks me to death, right? And I remember the Lord speaking to me and telling me a long time ago that this is my love for you. And you often at times want to reject this love because it's too overwhelming. But like I don't know how to receive my dog's love sometime because I'm just "All right, that's enough." But my dog just wants to be with me. Like it just wants to love me. And like and I almost feel like the Lord speaks through my dog. Like I know that sounds weird, but I almost feel like the dog is just like reminding me of the father's love continuously. And so like it pulls you out of that place of shame and that guilt, man. And so like don't don't allow yourself to be held bondage or captive by your past. But yeah, yeah, yeah, just embrace the love that he has for you and it sets you free, ? Have you ever seen people that are like embarrassed? what I'm saying? Like I think we've seen it with people coming through Teen Challenge over the years. like it was a thing they did. It was like a stay at like a like you go to the doctor or whatever, you go somewhere and you don't tell anybody about it or whatever. Like what I'm saying? Like people seem to be almost embarrassed of their testimony. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What do you think causes that? I think too it's them not being able to see the end of their story. And so a lot of times, man, they don't want to share that portion of themselves because they think that's going to, as I said earlier, it's going to prevent them opportunity. opportunity. opportunity. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And so there's this prejudgment and like we can't determine how other people are going to perceive us. But I think that's our issue in life is that we are more impressed with how other people view us than how God sees us. Yeah. So do you think that shows a lack of trust in the Lord? like they really haven't surrendered or I wouldn't necessarily say it's a lack of trust in the Lord. I think it's a lack of understanding of who God is within your life. Right. Like Okay. Okay. Okay. I think it's an identity issue. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Right. So our identity lies on what man says rather than what God says. Yeah. It's good. And so for us, we think that our achievement, our success is limited by what we accomplish when in reality is that we don't deserve anything. Yet he's given us everything. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's good. But I think I've had so many people over the years, man, ask, these questions about, do you tell your kids? How much do your kids know about your story? And our kids have always been very active in our lives and part of our ministry world. And I have some friends that choose not to. And I think for us, you and I have both always been those people that have shared. And so I'd be curious for those watching, like if you've struggled sharing your story or maybe your kids don't know about your past, drop it in the comments. Let us know like maybe why. What is that struggle that you're dealing with? And on Rob, I'd love to talk a little bit because I think what people hear when they hear me say we share our stories in front of our kids is that my girls are hearing about the time that I overdosed, all the stories, the war stories. so what sets this apart? how is how our kids know about our story different from me sitting down trading stories and joking about my past with my buddies or whatever? I think the thing is that there's a time and there's a place for everything. One, right? But yeah, it's being very discerning and allowing these things to happen organically. Right. Right. I think sometimes we think it's hey, look, let's get some s'mores tonight. Let's go by the campfire and I'm just going to tell war stories. No, that's not the idea. It's you and your son or you and your daughter are driving oneon-one and you have this natural conversation about something, right? and what that means. It's man, when I was your age, do what dad used to do? Right. Right. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Right. And then I open up that door and then it's just having this dialogue with them. them. them. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Like almost encouraging them at the stage that they're in because you weren't at that stage at a young age. So it's man, I'm so proud of who you are, Josiah, because of the maturity that you have at your age. Because when daddy was your age, Yeah. I got into some mess. what ? Like I did some stupid things. Well, what do you mean by that, Dad? Well, let me tell you, right? right? right? And so, it's not me going down in a rabbit hole of all these crazy things that I've done because I could share those things, but the reality is it's like I want him to understand that I was broken and in need of a savior, right? And you're going to be broken, too, at one point in time in life. You're going to be in need, not in need. Well, well, we're always in need of him, right? But you get what I'm saying there. there. there. It's that point where like really like the age determines the depth, right? But not the truth, right? right? right? what I'm saying? like it is. The older you are, the deeper I'm going to go with you. I'm going to tell you more. Like my 16-year-old, I can be a little bit more deep with what I went through, through, through, right? right? right? But the truth has stayed the same since she was a kid. Come on. And so, I think this truth that dad struggled and it's it's even more so like when I'm talking to my kids about my story, it's very redemptive in nature. I've done it for years. Like the testimony and I've always encouraged Teen Challenge students, we're not glorifying sin. We're not sharing war stories. We're we're talking about where we were, where we are, but ultimately pointing to Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. That's That's That's it's hope, not horror, right? That's that's what it is. Like that's the reality of it. Like I don't I'm not looking to scare them, but like the cool part about that, Rob, like I never graduated high school. Come on. Like what I'm saying? And my girls like when they do well in school, hey, I was never in your grade. I quit before then. Right. you're doing something that dad never did, right? That's so good, dude. And they really enjoy that stuff, man. So, what do we look at like as far as like when we let them see the fruits of our transformation? how does that look for our kids? how do I'm I'm new to this? I just got set free. I'm stepping back into parenting again. how do I show them that I'm transformed? transformed? transformed? Yeah. Well, I think you're you're obviously your lifestyle, but like man, we I really do think the kids see the mercy of the Lord in our stories when they see it because more than anybody else. I always used to say from the pulpit "Don't judge me by what you see when I preach on Sunday mornings cuz I can perform up here, right? right? right? You want to know who I really am? Come home with me." Right? There are people in this room and I would say this constantly. My kids are never going to be moved by the sermons I preach on Sunday morning, right? right? right? Because if I preach a sermon, I go home and I do something completely different. They're the values are created in them by what they see me do. M and so if you're struggling with this and you've been this is one of the dynamics that I think I can speak to but I can't speak to with as much experience as somebody who had kids that saw them as an addict. My kids never saw that, that, that, right? right? right? and I'm grateful for the Lord for that. But they certainly see my behaviors. And so I think I try to show them that like God is going to they've seen the ups and downs. They've seen the ministry struggle. They've seen us be praying finances and wondering if we're going to be able to keep the lights on, right? And then they've also seen the mercy of the Lord, right, show up in those moments. And I think that's so powerful, man. Yeah. Your actions speak louder than your words, man. That's awesome. Some of the benefits, right? We were talking about that go them seeing the mercy of the Lord. We talked about the kids not being afraid to talk about their struggles. What other benefits have you seen from your kids knowing your journey, hearing your testimony? Well, it's it's a little hard right now, right? Because my kids are a little younger. But I think something that's really been beneficial for them is understanding that their dad's not perfect. Yeah. And I think that's one of the things that I always want to do, like I even have to apologize to my kids. Yeah. Right. When I make mistakes and I was just talking to you about this offline, right? Like I have a tendency of wanting to ask my kids something and then I have to get to a point in place where I have to yell. And I don't like y like I feel so bad yelling at my kids. Right. Yes, I said it. I've yelled at my kids. Please don't cancel me for that. This is a weakness in an area in my life that the Lord's working on me on. But I wish to let them know hey, look, your dad's still trying to figure this thing out, right? right? right? can we do this together? Yeah. I need you to hold me accountable with the things that I'm asking you to do. And my kids will do that, bro. That's what's wild. they'll be "Dad, you told us that we shouldn't do. Why are you doing that?" I remember one time I was like telling my kids, I was "Hey, we're trying to save money." And I had it was just me and my son in the car and I was "Man, I'm going to get some In-N-Out hamburger, ." And he's "Dad, we have food at the house. You can wait till you get home. You told us that we're saving." I was just "You're right. You're right, home." I couldn't even argue with that. Yeah, that's good. Right. And so, it's like I think the thing is that we have a problem and an issue with parenting and this is a great benefit is like the same standard that you hold for them is you need to keep for yourself, right? Yeah. too. It's it's also having a real testimony and authentic testimony is not just what we say, it's what we live. And I think that is key. And you mentioned that earlier, right? Kids see it. More is caught than is taught is what they say, right? And so like I do think that's that's crazy, man. Like it's so funny you talk about your kids. Like I you're better than me because I'm like if you want me to take you somewhere this morning, bring me a cup of coffee when you wake me up. Like what I'm saying? Like don't hold me accountable. give me some caffeine and I'll take you where you like I'm like bribing them. But so what about like when not to share? Somebody's still an active addiction, right? We don't want to encourage people to like make promises with what they're saying to their kids and telling their stories like just for the sake of doing it, right? So when would you say that a parent should not share? Like how does that work? work? work? Well, I think you hit the nail on the head earlier, man. You talked about how not sharing an open wound, right? but sharing the scar, right? And I think the thing is that understanding where you're at. Have you received healing in that area, right? Because how could you deliver something effectively if you don't have victory in that area of your life? life? life? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I think sometimes what that ends up doing to your children is it lets them see a portion of you or side of you that's inauthentic and then they think of you as a hypocrite. Right. So then it's how do I even receive anything that my parent has shared with me prior to this moment because I've caught them in a lie. Yeah. and so it's man, like there are areas where you just don't share. And the reason why you don't share it is because of their maturity level, right? Like what's the depth that you can go with that individual at that age, right? I'm not going to share some things with my son just yet. But as he gets older and matures and he starts getting into relationships, like I'm going to be "Hey, bro, like we got to talk about this. Like this is what dad ended up getting into and this is what ended up happening in this area." what I'm saying? So it's like being very mindful of that. But like I can share these things and they're concealed in a file right now ready to be open at the opportune time. That's because I've gotten healing in that area. Yeah, that's really good. But there's some areas, man, where I have not received healing and God is still working on me and he's preparing it for a moment in a season, I think, to use as an opportunity to share with my children. Yeah, that's good. I like what you said earlier about the depth you just said about like there are things he's not at the age yet that I can share everything, right? like we haven't gone into the whole, sexual relationships conversation and all that yet at that point in the life. So, I'm not sharing my story with my kids at the expense of their innocence, right? I want to still protect and maintain that innocence. And I think that part of it is important. And I'm and that's also like hard, man, because I realize there are probably some parents watching that their kids have like been in their addiction, been in their mess, and they've seen some really like difficult things. They've experienced some difficult things. Man, we do foster parenting and some of the things that these kids have been through and they've seen as terrified. So, do you mean to tell me that you don't like really dump your trauma out on your kids? Like all the time I do. Yes. But is it healthy though, right? Like as a parent, should we be unleashing or unloading all of our issues to our children as if I think it does that teach your kids when you It comes down to how you do relationship period, right? Because if even as husbands and fathers, our responsibility is to lay our lives down as Christ loved the church sacrificially. We're serving. Right. Right. And so the question that I'm asking when I'm I'm telling my kids about anything or especially in this topic, I've done this every time. How do I serve the congregation with the testimony that I'm about to share? Me getting up here bragging about how many drugs I slammed into my arm, how many times I got away without getting arrested, how many times I missed death, all that stuff. like it can serve the audience, audience, audience, right? right? right? If that's the intention, but if I'm only up there to either dump my trauma or bring glory to myself and not actually have a redemptive arc to it, then I'm not really serving the people. I'm serving myself. Give a final word on that, man. what do you Yeah. So, I think that we as fathers, we are, man, we are the leaders. Everything that we do flows down to our children. And I think as a father that's an awesome responsibility. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's a heavy one, but it's awesome, man, to have that privilege. Like I was teaching my 16year-old to drive the other day. Like and I just think about that what I was doing at 16. My life my parents didn't even want to teach me to drive. drive. drive. Wow. Wow. Wow. I was shooting drugs at that age. So like those moments that my choices cost me with my parents are now redeemed with my kids. Wow. Wow. Wow. Like and that's just something that is You mean to tell me that your past was not wasted, right? 100%. And God is a God of reconciliation. Yeah. He redeems things, man. And that whole verse I never understood like I'll give you back what the canker and the locer whatever has stolen, right? Like Yeah. Like sevenfold or whatever. Like wow. It's not in me. It's in them, dude. I'm seeing it in them. That sevenfold blessing. I may never get it, but I see it in my kids. kids. kids. Wow. It makes me think of Abraham when he was given the promise and he never saw the promise truly fulfilled. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But the promise was fulfilled through his children. Yep. Yeah. Yeah. That's so good. It's amazing to know, and as we conclude on this today's episode, it makes brings me just to this place of rest, right? But I think God is a God of redemption as you just mentioned, right? But he's also a God of reconciliation. And so God is reconciling. God is restoring. God is repairing. God is redeeming what the enemy had meant for evil. God had truly intended for good. And so your parenting skills might not be where you want them to be, and you might not have accomplished the things that you've wanted to accomplish in life, but God is still working in you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Don't give up. We'd love for you to like and subscribe to the channel. Please share it to the page. Leave a comment below. We want to hear from you. We want to interact with you. We want to engage with you. And once again, thank you for all of our listeners and viewers. We love you. And peace.