The Secret Pain of the "Good" Christian

We have to understand that just because our life doesn't look like the addict doesn't mean that we're not the addict. You have got to learn as a leader to not only be able to operate when there's fire burning because then what ends up happening is you start looking for fires, right? right? right? And can unintentionally set those fires. Wow. Wow. Wow. Then you're no longer a leader. You're just simply an arsonist. Are you the one that looks down upon others because your stuff don't sting? Right? It's so offputting because when you are the older child, you do everything in your power to not be the brother that left. So, you're creating an image for yourself that was never intended to be there in the first place. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, you're trying to hold on to an identity that wasn't yours. Just be you. Be the son. Be the daughter. Man, the prodical son. I think that's been a recurring theme. I've done a few reels on that this week. it's it's interesting, man, because like I've always read that story and thought of myself as the prodal. Wow. Wow. Wow. what I'm saying? and I and that's the grace and the mercy of the Lord. That's our story coming home and whatnot. But like in recent years, like I'm thinking about the older brother a lot more and the application of that whole story to recovery families. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And being the one that slips into bitterness and slips into frustration and Yeah, man. So that's what I had on my mind at the moment. I think we That's awesome. Yeah, dude. It's it's it's amazing that you bring that up, right? Because even looking at the text itself in Luke 15 we see that Jesus is addressing whom? The Pharisees. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because of their issue with him whining and dining with the sinners, the tax collectors, the prostitutes. So they didn't like him telling stories either. either. either. No, they were in good. But it's so funny, right? Because Jesus is he's so smart in the fact that he doesn't just hit you in the throat, right? He hits you with a story, a parable. Like I could only imagine during that time like you're trying to get to your point and the person responds with, "Hey, let me tell you a story. Sit down. Sit down, young Jedi. I'm going to teach you a lesson right now." And I think that's the thing that he wanted to do. He wanted to teach them something because they had a understanding of scripture that was wrong. wrong. wrong. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And that's what Christ comes to do, right? He comes to transform our minds. He comes to renew our way of thinking about the reality in which we're living in. in. in. Well, there's also that struggle for them because they're still living under this old covenant, right? And they didn't they weren't professing Jesus. They were rejecting Jesus as the one that was going to fulfill the new covenant and whatnot. And so they're still operating even though he's correcting them under the correct religious mindset in their own thinking, right? they their thinking hadn't been changed yet and they ultimately rejected them. Yeah. I was thinking a lot about because I've been on both sides of this like when you look at the story of the prodical especially in terms of families in recovery, you've got the addict that's out running and gunning, right? That's that's the son. And hopefully you've got the father who is the parent who is holding the home down. And I always used to preach that when I talk to families. it's like your job isn't to chase. Your job isn't to enable. It isn't always to pursue either. It is to keep your spiritual home in order so that the son has a safe place to come back to. Wow. Wow. Wow. He held the home down. What's amazing about that is it the text doesn't say this, but it's almost as if the father had already anticipated his son's return. Yeah. He was already living his life in knowing almost as what Solomon says where train up a child in the way that it should go and will never depart from it. Right. And so what we speaking to the parents right because you were just bringing up this point in regard to how parents are holding down the fort but I often in the recovery world see the parents as the older son. Yeah. And this is how is because we often have this idea in our minds that I've done everything that I was supposed to do, right? right? right? I've raised my son. I've prayed. I've sought the father's face. I took them to church every single Sunday. Then you have the family that does attend the church that doesn't have their kids quote unquote living a life that is godly, if you will, but then it seems as if their life is just prosperous in every manner, in every area. seems perfect. And then we curse God and say, "God, why are you doing this to me? Why did you let my son go astray? Why did you let my daughter go astray?" Yeah, that's good. And that hurts. you spoke to how you always viewed yourself as the prodal and now you can see yourself as the one that's the older son. And I can relate here as well because I feel at times, man, the life that I've lived and the things that I've done, I often will look at other people's lives and think, man, why am I not where they're at, right? right? right? I thought that if I serve the Lord faithfully that I get all these blessings. And this was a false gospel that I chose to believe at a young age in my faith. Yeah. But until I matured and I realized that this is nothing that I have I can't earn it, right? like it's not my works. It's not me keeping a law per se that's going to get me somewhere, but it's learning how to submit to the will of the father and trust and believing in his grace. what ? mean? mean? Yeah. Yeah. That's the part where I was, I posted and somebody had said something about the way I phrased he hadn't even rehearsed a good apology in the real that I made the other day because the prodical did rehearse a apology. Right. Right. But in context, it wasn't really a good apology. And what do by that? Yeah, he said the right things, but to go back to what you just said, his apology was still very transactional in nature. Father, I've sinned against heaven. I've sinned against you. Let me come home and do the work. Let me serve in the home. Yeah. Just like everybody else, I apologize. I ask for your forgiveness. Here's what I'll do to show you that I deserve that forgiveness. M and so it really wasn't a great apology. It was still in that transactional thinking and going back to what you said earlier about the you Jesus speaking this parable to the Pharisees, right? right? right? Like he's telling the story in that mariner showing the transactional nature of the Pharisees through that apology in and of itself, right? And then the father responds and says, "No, I don't need you to do any of that." that." that." Right? Right? Right? Like let's just have a party, right? Like you didn't deserve this. You don't earn this. It's like this is just yours because of my relationship and my love for you. Yeah. And it makes me think to myself, man, like how blinded we are at the reality of the bitterness, but not just the bitterness, the hate and anger that we deal with in our heart that no one else sees what God knows about. Right. And I think this is something that's unspoken because what always troubled me with people is this idea that we're going to label this sin and this sin. It's like man, but like when you have anger in your heart and God equates that to murder, that's pretty dangerous, bro. And that can be hidden and disguised very easily, right? And we can portray this image to others to make it seem as if we have everything under control. Everything's perfect. That's what the Pharisees did, right? They were whitewashed tombs. Yeah. On the outside, everything appeared to be great, but internally, right, what were they, ? And so I think the thing is that these moments of the return of a son or a daughter are what truly expose the nature of our heart. knowing that dad was probably very consumed and thinking about his son that was lost and forgetting the one that was there. Yeah. And not that made him a bad father like cuz the father's honestly the right one in the story, right? But just what the other son had to deal with like going through some of that stuff mentally, working through that like and then when the party it's like that's seems to be when the fuse exploded, right? But the thing is that instantly he should well instinctly he should have celebrated regardless of where he was at that present time. Whether he was called and alerted to say come your brother has come home. But for him he was holding on to bitterness I believe from the time that his father split up the inheritance. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And his brother left. Yeah. I would have been too. I don't blame him. Right. Cuz he's "Wait, hold on." right? right? right? Like I'm still out like I didn't cuz what was his first response to his dad? I'm the one that has kept all of your commands and didn't squander all my money on prostitutes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So he had been thinking about this. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Right. You don't just bring this up. He had been wrestling with this. Absolutely. Yeah. There was a there was this internal, battle that he's been going through. And I think sometimes we think that we've released something to God, but the reality is that there's moments in our life that things arise that actually call or expose the areas of our life, right? And that's what the father does. What does he do? He exposes the dark areas of our life. It was in the presence of the father, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That this dark area was exposed. Well, it takes some maturity, too, to be able to be in those situations. And I've thought about this a lot and all the years working in rehab like working at Teen Challenge whatever like doing that work like why am I celebrating you right now? You're doing what you're supposed to be doing, doing, doing, right? And a lot of people I think that's why a lot of people struggle to work with addicts. my wife, she won't mind me saying this. She was very much like that when she first got into this ministry. It was "No, I'm I'm not throwing a party for you. you're just doing what you're supposed to be doing. doing. doing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like why are we celebrating this? And then it started to realize that hey we're we're 10 years behind with these folks like there wherever they started using things froze. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And so we're most of the time celebrating teenagers who are 26, right? right? right? Yeah. When you take that story and obviously being faithful to the text, but then just let's just extrapolate that scenario out and put it in any Christian home in America and then think about the emotional dynamics that would be at play. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And we don't have to imagine that. that. that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Because we have millions of examples of this type of stuff happening and it is tough. And I I was really man, like thinking about I was joking with somebody the other day about all the secondary trauma that I've been through, through, through, but then thinking about like all the career choices that I've made and the situations that I've been in and then like the stuff in my home and my family, not just my house, but my extended family, right? we take care of our niece. We I've got several siblings that are addicts that have been addicts. what I'm saying? and walking through all that and just thinking through like I don't like I know we see the jealous and the angry side of the son for the party and all that but like there was probably some hurt in there too man. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Some unresolved stuff that he was dealing with like just Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. the pain. Well, I want to segue here and just like bring notice to this when it comes to the older son and parents in particular. I think sometimes we're praying for the return of the one that was lost for them to receive the grace, but we failed to realize that the same grace is needed for the one that's still in the presence of you. Yeah. And I think we don't cover them in the same manner as we cover the one that's been gone and lost and went afar, right? And I think that was a struggle with the father. It's like he was probably covering his son and still happy that his son was still home. But he didn't see that love the same way when his brother returned. He's "Wait, hold on." Like I don't understand. well, we do the same thing now, don't we? Like we don't eulogize people till they're gone, right? right? right? Like we don't appreciate what we have, right? And that tends to be something like eulogy is supposed to be speaking good and speaking life over something. I don't remember the actual definition of it, but like man, imagine those words of encouragement in people's lives, while they're here, while they're doing the work. cuz there is that balance of like I don't need to celebrate you for sweeping the floor when you're supposed to sweep the floor, but also like we all do need encouragement, right? right? Yeah, that's really good, dude. That's awesome, man. I think it's amazing, right? So I think if we can look at some practical takeaways from this, like what would you say is important for those that have loved ones that are going through any form of addiction and maybe have gone a far off and they have kids at home that are witnessing this? Like how would you how would how can a parent better prepare for something like this? We are truthful about it in our home. But that's where I go back to the point I made a few minutes ago. You got to start with your own house in order first. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Your personal walk with God. Like you're you're ready, right? And so then when stuff comes your way, whether it's a son returning home, whether it's another son being angry, whether it's a mess in the whatever, right? You're doing it from a place of strength and rest and peace in the Lord first, ? So, let me ask you a question though, like what do If I'm the older brother and I'm just pissed off? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like I'm just angry. Like I'm just in this position. We talked, we had a conversation on offense and bitterness. I thought that was a great discussion that you and I had. But man, I'm tired of watching, what I'm saying? I'm tired of cleaning up the messes. messes. messes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm tired of being I think that's something if I could just be vulnerable because that's something I've dealt with like right like I one of the areas that I know God has given me this gift. Ashley used to say that I was anointed to deal with angry people. And the other thing that her and I can do pretty well together is we can step into stressful situations. We've done it in several ministries now, right? right? right? And we're the cleanup crew. And what I'm saying? We've done it in several places. And then we do it in our personal ministry. Like we step into the crisis with foster care. We step into the crisis with addicts. And I think it gets to a point where sometimes it's just man, I'm just tired of cleaning up other people's messes. And my response to that, and probably people wouldn't like this, but the more that you're outwardly focused on what other people's messes are, the more you ignore the mess that you have yourself and the need of God's grace the same way that they need it. And so often at times it's not about I like that preacher. Often at times it's not about what's going on outside. It's these are opportunities for you to administer the love of Christ as it has been shar shared unto you. Right? That's why he told his disciples for it has been freely given. So freely give. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. This is a gift. You can't earn it. You don't deserve it. Nor do they. Right? So this is a grace. Right. And so the thing is that we have to understand what Ephesians tells us. It says we have been saved by grace through faith that no man shall boast. And I think the thing is that the reason why we walk in this bitterness and have this idea of cleaning up these messes is because we are self-righteous. Yeah, that's good. We're the Pharisee. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We're self-righteous and we think that we deserve this because we've done this and it's no, you don't deserve anything. anything. anything. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Right. And so the thing is that we have to understand that just because our life doesn't look like the addict doesn't mean that we're not the addict. We're not just filthy on the inside. Yeah, that's right, dude. And so I think it's just important, man, just to understand that like we're all broken, right? And we need help. And this is what rebuilding life is all about. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We're rebuilding our life. Like we were sinners, sinners, sinners, but while we were yet sinners, he came and he died for us. what I'm saying? And so it's man, it doesn't like I'm building from the foundation up. And so no, it's an open-ended project. It is. It never stops. No, dude. you're always wanting to remodel and just fix things and things could be crooked. And it's man, like I'm about to remodel a house, right? right? right? Great bones, great foundation, but the inside looks like crap. It's a pink kitchen. Who wants a pink kitchen? No offense to these other people that had this home before, but still like my point is though is that if you're listening to this right now, I want you to ask yourself, are you the Pharisee? Are you the one that looks down upon others because your stuff don't sting? Right. Right. Right. But the reality is that whoever smelt it dealt it, right? No, but no. Like honestly, like your stuff stinks. It's like a person that can't smell their own breath, right? There's been times where I can't smell my breath and my wife lovingly says, "Babe, go brush your teeth before you come up and kiss me." Right? Like I because you're accustomed to it. Like it's just it's second nature to you. And so like I think the thing is that sometimes we're blinded by our own sin. Yeah. Yeah. And it we need others in our midst to expose those areas. Well, as you were talking through that, like I think also one of the areas that God's been teaching me, especially the last like year, like I am the one who cleans up a lot of messes, messes, messes, but like I wasn't asked to clean up every mess. And there is that there is a self-righteousness to a degree. there is a a satisfaction that comes, like that fulfillment that comes in being the savior, right? right? right? And like it's good to be a helper. It's good to point people to Jesus. But when we start to step in and be savior, then we're not doing the job God called us to do, right? right? right? And I think that's something a lot of families struggle with, right? And that's probably why a lot of times the older son feels like overlooked because the parents are trying to be savior for the younger son. what I'm saying? And so there's a lot of that stuff that happens. And I I had a I had somebody tell me this a long time ago when it came to leadership because I said that statement. I said, I'm really good at putting fires out. And they said, "But you have got to learn as a leader to not only be able to operate when there's fire burning because then what ends up happening is you start looking for fires, right?" right?" right?" And can unintentionally set those fires. Wow. Wow. Wow. Then you're no longer a leader. You're just simply an arsonist and you're burning things, ? And that's one of the things that like I realized like I'm the poor will always be with you. There'll always be people to help. Yeah. There's always going to be a harvest. There are always going to be people that need to be loved. And yes, I do understand there are divine moments and there are moments where we have these Ezekiel type callings like if you don't do it, the blood will be on your hands. Those things can happen. But for the most part, you aren't the only savior for people. And I think those of us who have been conditioned and trained and called to help people, like a lot of that starts with having a right view of where we are with our relationship with God, God, God, right? right? right? And how much we're actually able to do because there's diminishing returns in our energy, right? Well, I think too, man, and did I just say anything there at all or was that just random? No, no, you said a lot. I have that thinking in my mind as well sometimes, but I think it always goes back. This is this has always been something for me is understanding that you're a son and you're a daughter. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There's a young man that I'm mentoring right now and it's been a privilege to be able to mentor him. And what's amazing is I'm realizing as I learn more about his story and the situation that he's in, he just wanted to be validated as a son. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He wanted just to be him. And I think the thing is that it's so offputting because when you are the older child, you do everything in your power Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. to not be the brother that left. So you're creating an image for yourself that was never intended to be there in the first place. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So you're trying to hold on to an identity that wasn't yours. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And so it's man, that's not who you're supposed to be. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Just be you. Be the son. be the daughter, be loved, be received. But yeah, man, that's good. This is a good conversation. It's a good topic. we'd love to hear more from you guys as to what you thought about today's episode. a lot of times we focus on the younger son, but as we saw here today, that the older son is often who we truly are. there is healing in receiving the father's love, but understanding too that God's grace doesn't just go to them, it also is extended unto us. And so let us continue to strive to be better followers of Christ. if you have any comments, please leave them below. Drop a hit the subscribe button, share this with your friends. We love you. We appreciate the support that you have for this channel. and we look forward to sharing more content with you guys in the future. peace and God bless.