From Legalism to Love: Overcoming Addiction, Embracing Grace

I remember the summer that was rock bottom for me.

And I didn't really realize it yet.

I was on the precipice of a rock bottom.

I had been like on a week-long binge where I just like didn't talk to anybody, my family, like anybody who would have made me feel ashamed.

But seeing like my family that loved me just sort of like a gut check, regardless of what they did or what they said, I felt ashamed.

And that week-long, I did things out I really regretted.

I did a lot of things I really regretted.

And when all the dust settled, all I was left with was sadness.

And I discussed who I was and ashamed that this is what it had come to.

And just a couple of weeks later, I found out that I was pregnant.

Woo, great.

I felt like that was the worst news.

The Shift in Perspective: Discovering God Amidst Shame

How did your idea of God and the grace and the mercy of Jesus shift?

You know, once you found out you were pregnant and you realized that there needed to be a change, what was that like for you?

I mean, how did your view of God change that allowed you to ultimately get free?

Initially, when I found out I was pregnant, I had planned to get an abortion.

In fact, I had made an appointment and a friend of mine gave me a piece of paper because I told her I was like, I think I'm gonna get an abortion.

Like, I can't do this.

And I know that a lot of people look at women who would get an abortion and think, wow, she's like a monster, she's a murderer.

But in reality, what I really believed was that no child deserved to be born to somebody like me.

And I believed that.

I believed that this would be the most merciful thing that I could have done because I was trash and I really believed that.

So I called, I made an appointment and I went in and actually, I still remember the address, 400 East Houston Street, Paris, Texas.

That is the Paris Pregnancy Care Center.

And there was this little old lady named Betty.

And she started talking to me about Jesus and I was like, oh my God, what have I done?

I said, I gotta get out of here.

Reclaiming My Life: A Path to Healing

Well, Amber, how are you today?

I'm doing great, thanks, how are you?

I'm doing well.

Well, thanks so much for coming along.

We've known each other for a while and I know I've heard bits and pieces of your story over the years just from connection and knowing each other.

And so I'm excited to get a chance to have you come on and talk a little bit about that.

But maybe what do you got going on right now?

How's life going?

I think it's been kind of busy, but I would say the good kind of busy where you're doing a lot of things that make you feel happy and productive.

And so, busy but good.

Yeah, that's always good.

Yeah, I know there are those seasons, right?

There are seasons of hustle, there are seasons of busyness that you can't catch your breath.

But I think when it's a good thing and not crisis, that's always a plus.

So, well, do you want to take a moment as we get going, just maybe introduce yourself to the audience, give a little context background.

You know, the podcast is rebuilding life after addiction, right?

So we're here with the goal to help people that are either off of drugs or in that process of trying to overcome addiction and get the pieces of their life put back together.

And so, I guess to very simply ask the question, why are you here on an addiction podcast today?

Well, my name is Amber Picota, as you said.

And I am a former pastor of 10 years.

I am also a former addict and I have gone from, you know, knowing that I had a really huge problem and not even knowing if God loved me to having this encounter with God and having my life completely radically transformed.

So, if Amber from 20 years ago was to be told, hey, Amber in the future is going to be a pastor and she's going to minister to people and preach the gospel, I'd be like, there would be actually a lot of beef you'd have to censor it because I'd be like, you're out of your mind, absolutely out of your mind.

But now that, you know, God has transformed my life, one of the things that I do is I try to be the help that I needed, whatever that means to whatever person that God puts in my path, like I try to be the help for them that I needed back in a time when I didn't have any help.

Yeah, that's so good.

Journey to Transformation: Confronting Past Demons

So, can you take us back to that moment in your life before you encountered the Lord?

You know, maybe at that place where you said you had an encounter with God and you got called to ministry and all that stuff, but I mean, what did life look like at that point?

What was your mental and emotional state?

What were you battling with?

You know, just for a little bit of context on that.

Yeah, you know, my background was holiness Pentecostal and so anybody who knows, you know.

Was that the long skirts and everything?

Yeah.

Okay, got you.

Yeah, there's a lot of rules.

Women are not allowed to wear anything about long skirts.

No slits in your skirt, no makeup.

Don't cut your hair.

A lot of rules, a lot of religion.

And, you know, there's a lot of really great people who really love the Lord, but then there's a lot of like really dead religion with whitewashed tombs.

And that's mostly what I saw growing up and I ran from all that.

I had done some things and then, you know, when you've done some things you regret and you're hearing a message that doesn't really have any grace in it.

It's just like, hey, if you said you're going to hell, you start sort of like internalizing that and you're like, well, I'm good, I've done it.

I'm blown it and I'm done.

So right out of high school, I was just like, in a lot of shame, I just decided that to embrace the bad lifestyle, all that it entails, you know.

I've never been a halfway kind of girl like, if I'm gonna do something, I'm gonna be the best at it.

And that also applied to partying and just, you know, using drugs and alcohol and pills and stuff, you know.

I was all in no matter what I was doing.

And I really genuinely was trying to fill a void.

I felt really a lot of shame and I felt a lot of self-hatred, but nobody really would have known that who knew me at the time because I had this whole facade and people probably thought I was the most confident person I knew, but I felt like crap and I felt ashamed of myself.

I felt ashamed of my choices.

And it was like, I call it the shame spiral because you feel ashamed and then to try to run from the shame you use whatever your drug or choices had a whole, you know, parcel of them at the time, but like, so you use.

And then while you're not in your right mind, you do things that you're ashamed of.

And so you sober up and you're ashamed and then the cycle continues and continues.

Yeah, wow.

Yeah, it's good.

The Roots of Addiction: Family and Personal Struggles

So, you talk about growing up and, you know, the Pentecostal Holiness Church, very legalistic, you know, a lot of that.

And now, home life, you know, what kind of led to drugs?

I mean, did you grow up?

I'm assuming you were family Christian and they were all engaged in the church and, you know, you kind of were searching for identity and that's how you ended up in the party life or did you see it modeled?

Was anybody in your family battling with addiction?

I mean, what kind of influence, you know, those choices to go down that road?

First of all, my parents got divorced when I was three.

So I had like two homes.

My mom lived in like the Section 8 projects and her history and her family is Baptist, but my mom did not attend church.

She had some very bad experiences.

And another Pentecostal church when I was a little kid, so she did not attend at all, but she did profess a relationship with Christ, real low-key, and then on my dad's side of the family, my dad actually didn't get saved until I was 16 years old.

So he was not in a relationship with Christ, but I would go to church my entire childhood because it was just what you did.

While I was at my dad's house, I went to church.

And so my dad's side of the family is holiness Pentecostal.

Now, as far as addiction goes, so my parents were good people.

They, you know, I think all kids are going to be able to grow up and look back and be like, you know, my parents made some mistakes, but overall, my parents loved me and they tried their very best to support me the best they knew how.

But also, there were histories of addiction, like on both sides of the family.

And also, there's a history of addiction, but also from generations that didn't recognize those things as addiction yet, you know?

So yeah, definitely a lot of history there of addiction.

And it was just like prevalent and available.

It was just like, it was really easy to just fall in with people who were already using.

So I think that's sort of what led me down that road.

It was just like, it was just readily available.

And I was a recipe for disaster because I was hurting so bad.

But the kind of hurting where you're just stuffing it down and you're not going to recognize it.

So you're like, hey, who needs to cry when you could go to a good party?

You know, like, that was my motto.

So stay busy, stay going.

Yeah.

The Hard Realities of Addiction: Rock Bottom Moments

So you mentioned, you mentioned when we talked before on the interview that you struggled with cocaine, meth, Xanax and, and you know, I'm not one of those.

I don't like to get real deep into like the war stories because I think we all have our struggles.

We all have our mess that we walk through, right?

I mean, in their story, after story, after story.

But, you know, a lot of times in the recovery space, they talk about these rock bottom moments, you know, these moments where almost like the protocol, it came to the end of himself, you know?

I don't like preaching rock bottom a lot because like in 2023, rock bottom is like death.

You know, we're in a different world than we were when maybe you and I got off drugs years ago.

I mean, back then, you could be a lifelong addict 20, 30 years.

Today, it's like fentanyl and you're done, you know?

But what was that moment like for you?

I mean, what ultimately was that pivotal moment for you that decided, okay, I can't live this way anymore?

These drugs are taking, taking the life out of me and ultimately, you said you mentioned an encounter with the Lord, you know, what was that turning point?

Yeah, so I had a lot of moments that should have been rock bottom.

It was like anybody with any common sense would be like, this is the lowest of lows.

I should do something about this.

I overdosed and ended up in the hospital.

I don't even remember any of that, I just know because of being in the waking of the hospital and some very horrible encounters like at parties with people overdosing and, you know, not wanting to call the police because I guess what, when they get there, they're about to see a whole lot of people do any legal things.

So there were a lot of things that probably should have been the rock bottom, but I remember the summer that was rock bottom for me and I didn't really realize it yet.

I was on the precipice of a rock bottom, but the summer that I hit rock bottom, I had been like on a weak long binge where I just like didn't talk to anybody, my family, like anybody who would have made me feel like ashamed, which anything at that point made me feel ashamed.

I was ashamed, I was perpetually ashamed, but I'm seeing like my family that loved me just sort of like, it was like a gut check regardless of what they did or what they said, I felt ashamed.

So I was avoiding everybody who actually loved me and had any good, you know, will towards me and that week long, I did things out I really regretted.

I did a lot of things I really regretted.

And when all the dust settled, all I was left with was sadness and I discussed who I was and ashamed that this is what it had come to.

And just a couple of weeks later, I found out that I was pregnant.

Woo, great.

I felt like that was the worst news.

Anybody hit it.

I mean, like you would have thought, you know, somebody, the one person I love the most died, the way I felt.

But I had also been raised in religion where, you know, if you could appear like you had it together, which I didn't, but I fooled myself into thinking that I did, then you were good.

But having a baby, everybody would know.

Everybody would know that I didn't have it together in my mind.

So that was like, that was my rock bottom moment, finding out that I was pregnant.

Making a Choice: The Power of Community and Support

Okay.

And so from there, you started to make changes.

So what changes did you start to implement?

I mean, you talk about coming out of this, you know, really, and I'm not, I'm not trying to not depend on the cost of holding this church.

I mean, I'm not, you know, beating down on people, but there's very legalistic, you know, religion that is a lot of rules, you know what I'm saying?

A lot of structure, a lot of, like, almost workspace at times.

I mean, it's extreme.

It's, you know, I'm earning my way, you know, to have it at times in some places.

I don't know that that's where you were at.

But on, you know, how that didn't work for you before, right?

The very legalistic didn't keep you free.

So, I mean, how did your idea of God and the grace and the mercy of Jesus shift?

You know, once you found out you were pregnant and you realized that there needed to be a change?

What was that like for you?

I mean, how did your view of God change that allowed you to ultimately get free?

Yeah.

Well, you know, at first, my view of God was very much rigid and that my belief was that God didn't like me.

God couldn't stand to be in my presence.

And initially, when I found out I was pregnant, I had planned to get an abortion.

In fact, I had made an appointment.

And a friend of mine gave me a piece of paper because I told her I was like, I think I'm going to get an abortion.

Like, I can't do this.

And I know that a lot of people look at women who would get an abortion and think, wow, she's like a monster.

She's a murderer.

But in reality, what I really believed was that no child deserved to be born to somebody like me.

Like, I really believed that I was sparing a child from something that no child should have to be punished by.

It's like having me as a mom.

And so, you know, we can all stay on the outside and judge, but you really don't know what the enemy has filled their head with.

You don't know.

And I believe that.

I believe that this would be the most merciful thing that I could have done because I was trash.

And I really believed that.

So a friend of mine had actually written down a number and an address on a piece of paper.

And she was like, go here.

And I was like, all right, I'm going to go there.

But I'm going to get an abortion.

So I called, I made an appointment, and I went in.

And actually, I still remember the address, 400 East Houston Street, Paris, Texas.

That is the Paris Pregnancy Care Center.

And I went in and there was this little old lady named Betty.

And she started talking to me about Jesus.

And I was like, oh my God, what have I done?

I said, I got to get out of here.

They pulled a bait and switch on you.

That's like a game, Betty.

I really don't know if they pulled a bait and switch or if I made assumptions.

I really can't tell you that.

I don't really know.

Or if God was just like, let me believe that.

I really don't know what it was.

But I ended up actually volunteering there, volunteering there way fast forward many years later.

And it's not uncommon for people to call and think they're making an appointment for an abortion.

It's not uncommon.

But anyways, so I go in there and Betty's like, I'll tell you about Jesus.

And I was like, I'm going to tell you about Jesus, Betty.

I already know who Jesus is.

And if you knew him very well, you would know, we're not like cool.

Like I'm not his favorite person.

And I just left.

And I was like, God, waste my time.

I was so mad.

And it was like, I was like, I'm still going to get an abortion.

I just had to figure out how I'm going to do this.

And I lived in a small town.

I really didn't even know where to go and all this stuff.

And it was just like, I kept running into all these dead ends.

And so eventually I came to the end of myself where I was like, I want to make some really serious decisions here.

And I guess in my mind, I started thinking like, could I be the person that a baby would deserve to have as a mom?

Like, could I?

And because a lot of things had changed in a short amount of time, but I was like, that would be a really big change, you know, because a baby should not, I should not have a baby.

And so eventually I decided that I was gonna consider not having an abortion.

So I went back to the pregnancy care center.

And I talked to, I talked to a little Betty who probably was like, oh God, it's her kids.

She's gonna cut me off.

Right.

I was like, they're there, Betty.

My kind of things.

That's awesome.

So she was like, all right, she was happy.

She was like, yeah, I'll do anything you want to do to help.

You want to help, I'll do anything.

And I was like, I was still thinking about it.

So I decided, I'm just gonna do this.

I'm just gonna do this.

So I was like, if I'm gonna, like I said, if I'm going in, I'm all in.

Like if I'm gonna do something, I'm gonna be the best at it, which we'll just go ahead and say I was not the best mom, but an attempt was made.

And so I'm like, all right, Betty.

Okay, I know, this is the day you've been waiting on your whole life.

Right.

So I'm in, all right.

Parents in reveals are humanity.

I think more than anything else.

Exactly.

Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

So I was like, okay, Betty, I'm in.

And so she's, I said, but I need to tell you, I suck as a person.

And I would like to not be like the crappiest mom in the world.

So she immediately hooked me up with some parenting videos.

They're on VHS.

Nice.

That's that long ago.

Yes, fantastic.

Yeah, so I plowed through every one of those.

And this pregnancy care center had a system that was really cool, actually.

For every video you watched, you would get mommy dollars.

And with your, what they call mommy dollars, just like little fake, little money printed out, you could go to their boutique.

And this boutique was not just like looking like the goodwill.

It was really, really nice.

And it was a lot of stuff that had been donated.

You could buy diapers, every essential thing that you could want to have a baby in need, you could buy in there, like everything.

So I was like, all right, okay, I could do that.

I'll just go and I'll save up my mommy dollars and I'll stock up on diapers.

That way I know I'll have some.

And I'll do that.

Well, I went through all the videos and I told Betty like, hey, I finished all of them.

Is there any more videos like other than those that I could watch for more mommy dollars?

And she said, no, there's no more videos.

But we have a Tuesday night Bible study.

And it's just like dinner beforehand and then Bible study and it's three mommy dollars.

And I was like, three mommy dollars.

Amen.

Amen.

I'll be in a meal.

In a meal?

Yeah.

I'm there.

I went and the lady who ran the Bible study, her name was Michelle.

She's still so special to me and so important to me.

And Michelle did a Bible study every single Tuesday night.

But when Michelle did her Bible study, I was really confused because there were suddenly so many other things in the Bible that I had ever heard growing up.

Like I was just like, that's cute, but I don't know if that's really true because I have already read the Bible.

So many times by this point.

And I was like, I don't remember being like this.

And but every week, it didn't matter what we read.

Somehow she would show us how it was about God's love.

And I was like, well, she must be in a cult.

Like imagine thinking that's the cult.

Yeah, right.

Yeah, that's awesome.

I was like, what's her heart?

What's her heart?

She really believes this.

And so every week after Bible study, I'd hang out afterwards.

And I'd be like, all right, Michelle, let's just see.

And I would tell her, it was like confession.

Like she was my priest or something.

I was like, well, let me just tell you something about this.

And so I would tell her something horrible I'd done.

And it happened every week.

And she would, she would again tell me, Amber God loves you so much.

He's never gonna stop loving you.

He's never gonna stop pursuing you.

There's nothing you could do that would make God stop loving you.

There's never been a point in your life when God didn't love you.

And she would just, every week, she would tell me that.

And I would just be like, she didn't know it all.

She didn't know everything about me.

And I thought maybe if she knew everything, she would tell me, nope, that's, you crossed a line there.

And so I would just like hold back.

So I went to these Bible studies, my entire pregnancy.

And when I gave birth to my son, he's 17 now, by the way.

You know him, Joseph, he is, I mean, he's a miracle.

He's a walking miracle.

I mean, he changed my whole life.

No child should have to do that, but he did.

He changed my whole life.

So three days after I gave birth, I was sitting in the hospital bed and I was filling out the baby, the baby book, you know, you ride in it, all the little stuff.

And it got to the page and it was about the father.

And I was like, this sucks.

I just remember thinking like, I have really made a huge mess and I have screwed over everybody, everybody.

Nobody wants anything to do.

I don't blame them for not trusting me.

Like I have freaking screwed up my whole life.

I was off drugs by then, not easily and not with any sort of confidence, but I was off drugs.

And I just remember sitting there and I was just like, my life sucks.

This really sucks.

I love this little baby, but I don't know how I'm going to even give him a good life.

And I don't really know that I had any language for this and maybe I still don't know, but like I just felt like God, all of a sudden his presence was just really, really heavily tangible, like God stepped in the room.

That's what it felt like.

And so I just talked out loud and I was like, God, I don't really know how you could possibly love me after all this.

And I had this flash in my mind.

It was like a flashback, I guess you could say, or you know, whatever, but all of a sudden I just remember the worst day, the thing that I had never told Michelle, I did the worst thing ever.

And it was during that week, that binge long week, my rock bottom, and it was horrible.

And I'm so ashamed of it.

And I remember seeing that and I was like, oh, gross.

And I was like, God, why would you show me this?

And he said, I loved you then.

Ah, I was gutted.

I was just, I think I cried until snot was just pouring it down.

And I was just like, if God loved me then, he loves me now.

And it was like, I was just done.

I was just done.

I was obsessed.

I was in love with God.

And I wrote, I turned to the back page of my baby book and I wrote a letter, two letters actually.

I wrote, one to God and one to my son.

And I didn't have, it was not some formal altar call, but I was just like, I probably has bad words in it.

It was just like, God, I don't know what the hell I'm doing, but I'm doing something and you better step in and help me because I'm gonna make a whole mess of this.

And if you want me, I'm here, all the mess and all.

And it was, I was over because I was in love with Jesus.

That was it for me.

Wow, that's so powerful.

The Role of Love and Community in Recovery

What a testimony and just, I mean, so much, so much there.

I mean, even just, you're talking about the love of that pregnancy center, just to equip and resource, you know?

And I think a lot of times, and I know this can be a whole, whole, another conversation, but a lot of times the church talks about abortion and all of that.

And it's like, man, that's the best way to combat it.

You know, it's just about resourcing people and loving people, you know, and not assuming that we know what people are going through and not everybody that's in that position is evil and all that stuff.

You know, it's like life happens, circumstances happen and showing people love.

I've been reading a book one on reframing foster care, you know, and Ashley and I are active in the foster care system and whatnot.

And a lot of his stuff is like, hey, it's like, by the time they get to the system, we've already missed the mark, you know?

Like we need to rewind and go back and try to intervene in these moments as the church prior to them getting to the system.

It's not just dealing with the fruit.

It's dealing with the root causes of these things that is really our responsibility as far as a Christ.

And that's something that happened to you.

I mean, Betty, you know, little lady, you know, just loving you and loving you through and showing you a side of the Lord that you had never seen before.

And that is so profound.

Impact of Personal Experience on Empathy

So your personal testimony and what you've walked through, how has that Amber influence, you know, or shape the way that you view addiction now, you know, 16, 17, 18 years removed from it, right?

How does that impact your eyes and how you see those that are going through this struggle today?

Absolutely.

It has definitely changed everything because I don't see them as people who were lost causes like I see them as me.

Like that was me.

And like even it's really easy for us who, well, it's not very easy for me.

I guess because I've been there, only because I've been there.

But I think it's easy for other people to be like looking down on people like, oh, well, the homeless people who are asking for money and you're like, ah, they're just going to go and spin it on or all those people on the streets, they're just on drugs.

And if they get off drugs, you know, but I don't look at them and see that.

I look at them and see like, okay, guess what?

Most families in the US are one catastrophe away from homelessness.

Imagine that, just imagine your whole life being ripped away from you and you're on the streets and you don't have the very necessities that you would need to even get a job.

Like because we take that for good, well, then why don't they just get a job?

All right, well, what are they going to do on the application?

What are they going to put down for their phone number?

What are they going to put down for their address?

How are they going to get cleaned up to go to the interview?

Like there's a million different steps in between there and there.

What if they don't have a social security card?

They don't, most of them don't.

So if you're in a position like that and you feel like you don't have any hope because my God, how would you feel like that?

I think you'd be really predisposed to say yes to something that would numb your mind and make you forget for a little while.

So for me personally, I know that the temptation would be very, very strong to forget and not think about it for a little while.

So I'm like, we don't know until we've walked in their shoes.

And the only way that I was ever able to awaken to God's love was people who were willing to love me no matter what.

No matter what, it's really easy for us to do outreach and love people up to the point where they don't do what we think they need to do.

Like Betty made sure to tell me she said, I will love you and support you even if you do go get an abortion.

You can come back.

We can sit and talk forever.

I will love you and support you and accept you no matter what.

That's what she told me.

And it was then that I realized I wasn't being manipulated.

She wasn't trying to manipulate me.

She didn't want to manipulate me.

She just wanted to hand me some hope.

That's it.

But until we're ready to accept people and say, all right, I accept you exactly where you're at.

You're not a project for me.

And I will love you with no intention of manipulating you because love doesn't manipulate anyways.

Love says no matter what you choose, I'm still gonna love you.

And I'm still gonna support you.

And by support, I mean, like, if I needed help after that, she was gonna help me.

Like she was willing to help me still.

And I think that we have to, as a church, not only meet people as they are, but stop trying to manipulate them.

They're not a project.

To love them is we can look at, well, we can look at the Bible for a first Corinthians 13, love is patient, love is kind, it doesn't envy, it doesn't boast.

That's perfect.

That's a perfect example right there.

But we can also look at Jesus and how he met people.

He provided for people physical needs like hunger and food and healing their ailments.

He didn't only just come and help them spiritually, he helped them in all kinds of other ways too.

So I think that's really important.

It's just loving people with no intention of manipulating them, no strings attached.

Guess what?

They've already heard the religious spills.

I'd heard all of them.

I walked out on Betty, okay?

But the thing is that made her different was that she really was ready to love me and support me and be in my life, even if I did do it.

She said, I'll never look at you differently.

I'll love you still.

The Need for Compassion in Community

Yeah, there's that difference between moving from like, I'm aware of an issue.

I'm concerned about an issue to I have empathy for an issue, right?

It's that transitional piece.

I know that there's a drug problem, but when I'm just aware, and I don't enter into it and feel the pain they're feeling, like, you know, we're really not really helping to move the needle.

And you brought up a good point about the homelessness and people are not that far away from that.

And you think about folks coming out of rehab, especially in our rural communities.

I live in Augusta County, no vehicle, I'm not getting to work.

And a vehicle is a big purchase when your entire life's falling apart or I've got some criminal charges in the past and I don't have a license yet.

And there's no public transportation.

And all of those things that just compound and those are, I mean, they're not impossible things to overcome, but the odds are really stacked against you in those moments.

And so having a Betty, right, to walk with us and whoever that might be to help us through those little things, those little basic needs that people, you know, just have to have to get back on their feet are so key and such a great opportunity for us as church folks.

You just show the love of God, you know?

Like even if you're not willing to receive my preaching yet, I'm still gonna love you.

Well, and what you just said is important because you said you were talking about all the little things, you know?

And I think all of us at least can relate with this.

I think all of us have had a point in our life where you were just like, I'm trying to accomplish this thing.

And then when little things goes wrong, well then another little thing goes wrong.

And then another little thing and then another little thing and you're like, let's store it all away.

I'm done.

I can't do this anymore.

I mean, I've washed my hands of stuff because I was like, you know what?

Today's not the day.

But imagine it being something so much more higher stakes like a job or because that's your livelihood.

And you've already, you know, you mentioned people coming out of rehab or even sometimes people coming out of jail who are being rehabilitated into society.

It's like, I've already been digging myself out of a ditch.

Okay, I've already been doing that.

And then every single time I get up on my feet, I get not right back down again.

And that's how it feels.

It's like, I'm never going to be able to do this.

So, you know, that support system is really huge.

And they're not always going to, their journey is not going to be linear.

They're not just going to be like every day I progressively get better.

No, they're going to have days where it sucks.

And they quit their job and they lie to you and they're going to feel like going back into Egypt.

Or, you know, what I'm saying, like figuratively, they're going to feel like going back.

And somebody told me this one time, and it is freaking stuck with me forever.

I don't even remember who said it.

But life, we want life to be like a march.

You know, there's a drumbeat.

It's very consistent.

There's a step, step, step, step.

You're going forward, forward, march, march.

It's uniform.

It looks really safe and predictable.

But life is not like a march.

Progress, goals working towards something, getting sober.

It's not like a march.

It's more like a waltz.

You're spinning around.

You're going backwards sometimes.

Then you're going forward.

And if you are doing a waltz, but you really expected a march, you are going to assume that you are a failure because you're not going in the right direction.

And you feel I'm spinning around.

I'm dipping.

There's all these things that happen with a waltz that you're not going to see with a march.

A march is very controlled and orderly and measurable and consistent.

The waltz is not.

It's surrender.

It's letting God lead us.

It's leaning in and just letting someone else, sometimes, I guess it depends on which partner you are in the dance, but letting someone else take the lead, being willing to be dipped and spun and all those things.

But a waltz is really fricking scary when you're expecting to be marching forward, but growth doesn't happen that way.

And as people who are supporting somebody, if you're supporting somebody who's getting sober, you might have the same thought.

Like, they should be progressing.

It should be like a march, it should be consistent growth.

And if you're expecting that type of consistent, predictable growth, and you see them flounder backwards, you're like, ah, look at them.

They're just so in their lap way again that's never gonna happen, pointless, throw away.

And you don't want anything to do with it.

Which I know there's a time and a place to protect your own self when you're helping somebody.

But I'm saying, as far as like, extending unconditional love to that person.

And then you think, well, my heart's already been hurt by them because they're lying and then they're trying to throw their life away.

And it's hard to watch, but they're not in a march.

Understanding Neuroplasticity: Healing Through New Pathways

Yeah, that's really good.

Yeah, we talked about on church yesterday on the man, the paralytic, you know, that the four friends took to Jesus, you know, and the interesting part of that is these guys that carried this dude and ducked through the roof and dropped him down to Jesus.

When he met Jesus, like, Jesus didn't even give the guy a chance to respond.

He just looked at him and told him his sins were forgiven.

Right? And that like really messes with our theology, I think at times, because there was no, you know, deathbed confession, you know, there was no, you know, spitting out all the sins.

Jesus just looked at him and said, hey, I've your sins are forgiven, son, then he healed him.

You know, but like being those friends that are willing, no matter the cost, to do what it takes to get people to Jesus.

And I think that's the mindset here.

It's like we want, we want the confession sometimes.

We want, you know, tell me your whole life story, share all your dirty, darkest secrets with me, you know, prove that you're right.

Yeah, break down.

Cry in front of me.

That's right.

Instead of just saying, hey, I'm gonna do the work and I'm gonna get you to the Lord.

It's just, it's interesting.

I think that that's part of like that love and grace.

So all flat a little bit.

We talked about you've been digging into now.

Addiction does cause like right.

We a long time changing of thinking, you know what I'm saying?

Some of the patterns are neuro patterns in the brain and all that jazz and I'm not an expert on this stuff.

I've read a little bit about it, but some of the whole rewiring of the brain, right?

And the reframing of our thoughts and our minds and all of that.

This issue of not issue, but this topic of neuroplasticity, which is fascinating.

If any of our listeners have not read it, just do a quick Google search.

I mean, heard about neuroplasticity.

But on, you're kind of what, at this point in your life, you said you've been digging into that a little bit.

What kind of got you down that road of, you know, just studying this a little bit for personal growth, just asking questions as you said earlier.

And on, yeah, do you want to dive into that a little bit?

Yeah, so what initially got me interested was trauma and some people may not know this, but trauma actually damages your brain.

You can see trauma on the brain scans of someone who has PTSD.

Most people who are, were addicts or are addicts, they have some form of trauma.

They didn't just get there like, hey, you know, I just was like, hey, one day I like to do drugs.

I just thought it would be fun.

You know, it was a good time.

I mean, sure, I'm sure some people just didn't really think of it as harmless, but a lot, most people who got there, there was some sort of a trauma.

There's been traumatic events in their life.

So I was diagnosed with PTSD and I was like, I don't want to be this way forever.

Like I want to heal, I want to recover from this.

And I had already been off of any type of drugs for a long time, but I had so many ways that were of thinking that were very addictive and obsessive.

I've unfortunately, I've, well, I make jokes about stuff that are really serious because sometimes it's like the way I cope with it.

And so I would be like, I've jokingly said, I can make an addiction out of anything.

Right, yeah, 100%.

I think we all can, yeah.

Yes, I can, I think an addiction out of that.

Right, yeah, 100%.

So I was like, I wanna figure this out and I need to get some more information.

And one day I was actually reading a book that had nothing to do with trauma or any of that.

It was actually about study habits and about how to, it was approaching like some ADHD type of stuff like how to retain memory, how to study when you have ADHD, which I do.

So I was like reading this book and I, this example about neuroplasticity and she was saying that the brain, even though trauma and other things can damage the brain and even though the ADHD brain looks different, like you can see the differences on a brain scan, we can rewire our brains.

We can, and it's called neuroplasticity.

And basically we can change the neuropathways of the way we think.

And I'm gonna give you an example of this because when anybody who has been an addict or is recovering, they know what it feels like to not wanna do something and do it anyways.

And then not wanna do it and then do it again.

And then not wanna do it and do it again.

And you hate yourself for it, you end up beating yourself up for it.

But there's a reason why, there's a reason why you keep doing that same thing over and over again because you have a pathway, a neuro pathway that is chosen that path because it's a habit because it's easy and it's the same thing you've ever done and it's all you ever remember.

And so the best way, example I can give for neuroplasticity and rewiring the brain is this.

You know, if you and I were walking down a trail, a pathway in the woods, and we were just walking along this path and it's already, many people have walked this trail before us.

So it's well worn and we can see it really clearly.

It's not grass, it's mud or dirt that's hardened and we can see it very clearly.

But what if one day I was like, I don't want to walk this path anymore, I want to walk that way and it's just woods and you look over there and you're like, well, honey, that's all like great, fine and good, but those are woods and you'd have to get like one of those little choppers and you'd have to clear off the undergrowth and you'd have to like, you would really have to work.

Like we might walk that trail one day and I would squish down some of the grass.

And that first day that I walked it, somebody might could look at it and be like, has somebody been through those brush over there?

But you wouldn't really be able to tell.

But what if the next day on that same walk, I said, I don't want to walk this trail anymore, I want to look at that one.

And I do it again, I go the same way again.

Well then somebody might see it and be like, no, definitely somebody has been down that trail.

But what if I consistently pick that same trail over and over and over again, every day it's going to become more worn.

And eventually let's say everybody stopped going down the main trail and they began to follow my same path.

Eventually the main trail would become grown up and look like the woods kind of.

And then my trail would become beaten down and clear and you could see the wear of it.

You can see that it's been perpetually used.

Well it's that same way when we're creating new neuro pathways.

When we're rewiring our brain, it's very hard at first.

It's very hard the second day.

It's very hard the third day.

It's very hard for a while.

But the thing is that this can go for breaking habits as well.

You could apply this to pretty much anything when you're trying to create a healthier pattern for yourself.

And that can mean that can look like a whole lot of different things, but that's not using drugs.

It can look like a lot of things.

But this actually does heal our brain over time.

And this is like one aspect of a lot of information that there is out there.

But this for me was a monumental life changer.

Just that analogy right there of like, if I could see it, it made it real.

It made it feel more real.

Like I just did something that I've never done before.

I chose a path I've never chosen before.

And because I chose it today, I could choose it again.

I did it once already.

It's like when every world records are broken for the Olympics.

And then suddenly everybody can hit it because it's been done before you've seen it.

You believe it can be done.

And when I've seen myself do something, when I looked at it from that perspective, I've already walked this path before.

I can walk it again one more time, just one more time.

And every day I would tell myself that, just one more, if you could do it one more day, you're gonna be feeling better about it.

And sometimes I did, sometimes I didn't.

But guess what, I eventually made an entire habit of it.

And that's why now if somebody who knew me back in 20 years ago, yeah, 20 years ago, and knew me today, they'd be like, are you serious?

They would be like, that's insane because it's an entirely different life.

Because when, when passed away at a time, I chose a different path and walked that path instead.

And so that's kind of how neuroplasticity works.

And we can do that with our thought patterns.

Like I've always thought that I'm a piece of crap.

I've always thought that I'm a piece of crap.

One day I chose to think I'm worthy and loved by God because God chose me.

Like I'm loved by God.

And so those same principle can apply to so many different things.

Applying Neuroplasticity in Daily Life

Even to your point earlier, I mean, Betty tell them you over and over and over, right?

And going back constantly, you know, and the role that she was playing and shaping your thoughts, you know, I mean, you shared your story earlier as like every time I went back, I would tell her some other terrible thing that I've done, right?

And over time, you know, it's just like those thought patterns.

And I think sometimes, and I know it's gotten better in 2023.

Sometimes we start talking about scientific stuff and psychology and all this jazz, like your church folks, like it's just the word, you know, just get to the word, you know, and this stuff, you know, and it's like, man, you know, I love Carolyn Leaf.

I've read some of her stuff on this.

And I mean, this stuff is rooted in the Bible.

You know, Romans 12, too, do not be conformed to the patterns of the world, but transformed by the renewing of your mind.

The word repent in the Greek is Metanoa.

It means to change your mind.

Yeah.

We want it to mean weep and wail in front of me.

Right, right.

But they don't have anything to prove to us.

Metanoa or repent, what Jesus was saying change your mind when he told people to repent?

We look at it like, mm, he told them, he told them to go repent.

He told them to change their mind.

He's asking them to adopt a new way of thinking.

And the new way of thinking is actually grace.

It's not works based.

It means you don't have to do anything to earn this.

Yeah, it's engaging the brain.

I think that's the part where we don't realize like, sometimes, and Rob and I, my co-host who was an on the day, but him and I talk about this a lot, where I think a lot of times while meeting family members are like, just quit, just quit, just quit, just quit, you know?

But like, as you were sharing earlier, these pathways have become well-worn.

And this is the new normal.

This is the new path that I'm walking on.

And that process of transitioning like, now we believe in the supernatural.

We believe God can come in and do whatever He wants.

In a moment, but until we're ready to change our minds consistently and start to do the work of building those new pathways, like, you know, we end up staying on the things that are comfortable for us.

Exploring Neuroplasticity’s Potential

And you know, for those who are watching, I would encourage like, you're just, if you've never heard of neuroplasticity before, you've never went down this rabbit hole.

Dr. Leif has a book called Switch on Your Brain.

She's got a couple others, but I'll drop the links to those in the description in the comments below.

So is there any ways that you've applied this, that you're applying this whole idea of neuroplasticity, just having this revelation knowledge, right, this knowledge of this now, like in your life today?

And on, you mentioned ADHD, I identify with that.

So, you know, and I know that's a process, like constantly like the executive function and you know, trying to, yeah, keep details and long-term memory, like, I know if I don't write things down, like I'm gonna forget it, it's just gone.

And it's like, you tell me, you're gonna hear, yeah, it's like, if you tell me your name when I meet, you send me a friend request on Facebook so that I have the visual or reminder because if you tell me I'm gonna call you the wrong name the next time I see you, or pretend like I never even met you.

And that's what it feels like, you know?

But have you had any applications of this today?

Yes, there's a few examples that are really sticking out in my head.

Number one was how I viewed my own self.

You know, like how God sees me versus how I saw myself as a result of, you know, we're influenced.

We're influenced by the world and culture and even sometimes religion that is like, like yucky, not true stuff, but it sticks no matter what, like we have to earn our salvation or that we're dirty rotten scumbags who, you know, I'm like, he God would even look at me yet.

He created us in his image and he calls us, you know, beloved.

So those are the types of things I would renew my mind with and those were really, that was really huge help to me.

But the one that is more like tangible and natural is yelling at my kids.

I, that was huge for me.

And I didn't have like some really great examples of like good conflict resolution when I was a kid.

And so as an adult, you know, I just sort of like kind of went into auto mode and just sort of like started reproducing some of the same stuff that I'd seen.

And eventually when I saw all my son acting out in some of the ways that I had, I was just like, oh, my word, I've got to change now.

I don't get to cut back.

Like I have to change drastically now because they're watching me.

And I'm creating little people who are going to do the same thing that I did.

And I have to change it now because the regrets that I have in my life, they're going to have an errors.

If I don't help them change their choices now.

And so I did, I found a lot of tricks that would help me along the way because I would just like screaming holler and we would escalate to where everybody was yelling and somebody has to yell louder than the other.

And what do you think that's going to escalate to?

It's going to escalate to somebody throwing something.

And then like I don't want all this chaos in my home.

And so one of the things that I would do as a check to myself, when I got, I realized we were all yelling, I would bring my voice down really low and I would say anybody who's talking louder than me is getting too loud.

We're going to go all the way back down and we're going to calm.

And whatever you wanted to say, whatever you wanted to scream at me, you're going to say it.

You're going to say it really calm instead.

And if you are yelling, you're not a part of this conversation anymore.

We're not going to talk about it.

So that was one thing that helped me accountable because I had to, and this is leadership 101.

You are the bar.

You are the one who is setting the tone.

And if those who are following you, those who you're leading, my children, if they have a problem, I have a problem.

And we're going to deal with that.

We're going to deal with that in me because you saw that somewhere.

And sure, they're going to pick up things here, there and otherwise.

But as a result, as a general rule of thumb, if they got a problem, I got a problem.

And I need to find it in me and fix it.

And we need to address it in them and say, listen, mama had a problem.

I realized it and we're dealing with this and we're all going to choose better together.

But every single time we had an argument, I had a choice and we had a choice.

And so I would not always get it right.

And sometimes I would catch myself in the middle of it.

I'd be like, ah, ah, ah, ah, and I would be like, I hate the sound of your voice.

In my head, I'd be like, do you hear yourself?

And then I would say, hold on, guys, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, I was yelling, and I'm not going to yell anymore.

But I need this all to not yell.

And catch myself in the middle of it.

That counts.

That counts.

It's OK.

It grows still.

Yeah, it's so good.

We've started doing a thing with our six-year-old now where you do the sticker charts when you reward good behavior and whatnot.

And so Ashley saw this thing online where a mom had printed out sticker charts for everybody in the home.

And so our six-year-old is very, ah, she's very reactionary.

Like she gets a quick temper, she goes all very fast and storms away.

And so what we've started doing now is when we don't react to her storm away, we're giving ourselves stickers.

And we're making a big deal out of it in front of her.

Because we're trying to model the behavior that we want her to see, you won't hurt or duplicate.

And it's been fun.

Because Ashley and I are making a big deal out of it.

Like, hey, you got a sticker, high five, you know?

And it's been fun to see.

We're very new into it.

So we'll see how it turns out.

But yeah.

Wrapping Up: How to Connect with Amber

So, well, Amber, I appreciate like you jumping on.

And I try to keep the calls to an hour, you know?

Because that, but maybe take a minute and just let the audience know how they can find you online.

You know, what you're doing now.

And where, if they want to connect with you and learn more about the work that you're doing, I know you've got a couple of pages that you manage.

And, you know, you've written some books and all that stuff.

And so maybe just take a second, self-promote for a minute, if you know.

Well, so if you're looking for me on social media, you can find me everywhere as Amber Picota.

Like, I'm like, I'm in the K-I-S-S, keep it simple, stupid method.

Like, it's just Amber Picota.

You don't remember anything extra.

So I'm on Instagram and Facebook.

And I have a book called God's Feminist Movement.

And it is a book that empowers women to lead and use their gifts and their talents within God's kingdom and within the body of Christ.

So that is, that was definitely a labor of love.

And that's available on Amazon and Barnes of Nobles and all kinds of weird places.

Because that's people sending pictures.

And I'm like, oh, okay, there's me right there in that place that I never knew about.

This is kind of fun.

So that's available.

I'm working on another book, but it's a labor of love and pain, no kidding.

It's about trauma and healing from trauma.

Final Thoughts: Reflections on Transformation

So it will be a good book, but it's one of those things you feel, all the words that you put into it.

Yeah, I'm in the process of trying to write my story, my testimony, kind of title, got all that down.

But I think now, 18 years later, I'm realizing how intentional I was trying to forget everything.

Like, and now it's like, I'm praying and asking the Holy Spirit, bringing those stories back up, you know.

And so one final question is we close out, Amber.

If you could, I've got back here, I don't know if you can see it.

I've got a Lego DeLorean.

Back to the Future is one of my favorite movies series.

And so I've got this Lego DeLorean.

And if Amber could hop in a DeLorean that worked and travel back in time, you know, to get in ready to walk into that pregnancy center and going through everything that you were going through back then, Amber today having all the knowledge she has 20 years, 18, 16, 17 years later, right?

What would Amber today tell Amber from back then going into that pregnancy center?

Well, as a joke, I usually tell people, I would save my breath.

That girl didn't listen to anything.

That's good.

That is a joke.

But also, I think I would have reiterated.

I would have just said, let me go do something else with my breath with this stubborn girl.

Now, but in reality, I would probably reiterate some of the stuff that Michelle at the pregnancy care center told me.

I would probably, because I would think like, if I could have got that message sooner that God loves you no matter what, like you're right bottom this worst day ever, that day that you think nobody would want to believe God loved you still, that that's the day.

On that day, God still loved you.

And if God can love you on that day, God can love you on any day.

I think I would have reiterated what Michelle said is that everything you've been taught about religion is not necessarily the heart of God.

Like God is nothing like that old dude you've been learning about in church.

Right, yeah.

He's not a mean kid with a magnifying glass, right?

Waiting for the son to reflect right, so he can burn us up.

Yeah, he's a loving father who's like, hey, you're messing up, come here, come on.

I gotcha.

Come home, that's so good.

Well, thanks Amber.

I really appreciate it.

Thank you for taking the time to chat and coming on the show.

And I'm excited to share this story.

And for those that have been watching, I'll put all the Amber's links down in the description below, you guys can connect with her more and more about her.

And thank you again for jumping on another episode of Rebuilding Life.

Thanks, Justin.