He Relapsed Again... and Thought God Was Done With Him

Living for the Next Fix: A Life of Addiction and Selfishness

So when you look back to where you were before you came to Teen Challenge, how would you describe the version of yourself that you were living as then? I was scraping by just enough to survive. It was all about me. I was just focused on me, my next fix, my next adventure, if you will.

Really lost sight of what was important, family, friends. I always kept a good work ethic for some reason, but that was just so I could have money to feed into me to pour into my life of drug use and sexual immorality and all the other bad stuff that comes along with that.

The Lies That Keep You Stuck: Relapse, Condemnation, and Hopelessness

The idea of returning again. I know a lot of people struggle with that. Like we've worked with people over the years that have relapsed, that have struggled and that decision to come back. There's usually a lot of stuff that's going through the mind. I shouldn't have to do this again or I'm better than that. What I'm saying? Can't believe I'm here again. And were you grappling with any of those lies? Of course. Yeah.

I think a lot of it was that you've done this so many times. You don't have this in you. It just wasn't meant to be for you to be who God says I'm supposed to be. Like this idea that I've that I see in my head, this image of me where I need to be in my walk that it's not feasible or it's not an obtainable goal.

Yeah. And hopelessness. Yes. Yeah. And that I'm just not going to ever be able to get back there. And why should I do it? What's the reasoning? Why don't I just very negative thoughts just why don't you just stay out there? It'll be easier for you. It'll be easier for everybody else. You might as well just go as hard as you can and just ruin everything. It's a destructive behavior that I've struggled with over my life.

Once we It's a state of condemnation where I've messed up. Why not go ahead and just destroy everything? So, what started the shift to get from that point to picking up the phone and hopping in the vehicle and driving from North Carolina to Virginia eventually.

The Turning Point: A Resource Officer and a Brochure from Jail

But when I was in jail, I had told myself, I'm just going to stay here, do my time, and go back out and go right back to it. And that lasted for about two months. And I think just through a series of events and conversations while I was in jail, I had a change of heart and just realized that wasn't who I was. That's not where I needed to be. That God does have plans for me and that there was some hope.

And so I made a few calls, talked to a few people. Well, there's this lady named Miss Bane who she works there as like a resource officer in the jail and she's super helpful getting play people who don't want to be living that lifestyle anymore and get them into programs and whatnot. And I went and sat down and talked with her and she handed me a brochure on this place and a couple others and I made a few calls and I was still on the fence there for a while though.

I just I really struggled to accept that I could change cuz why would I come if I didn't really think that I could change cuz I'm just going to wind up right back there eventually if I can't make the change. Yeah, that's good. And I've been through a few programs and I'm is this just going to happen again? Yeah. Do I want to commit to doing this and actually do it this time?

And so I prayed about it for a while and I really put some thought into it this time and just decided that yes, I'm ready to go do this and made those calls and it was about took about 3 weeks and then finally they came and got me and drove me up in Shenandoah Valley.

The Cost to Family: Parents Who Never Quit Despite the Pain

So in the background your family what were they walking through during this period like how did all this stuff that was taking place how did it impact your relationships with them during this season? God knew a long time ago that I needed great parents and needed supporting, loving, just amazing parents in my life because I was a basket case. And he blessed me with two of the best parents in the world. They have been there for me through thick and thin, even when I truly did not deserve it.

I've put them in some horrible positions that no parent should ever be in and they have still stuck through me. And yes, it's they've been very hard on me, but for good reason. My mom has that motherly love that agape love. She'll never abandon me. My dad, he will he would not come see me in jail for more than one reason. He once I get myself into trouble, that's where you're at. Deal with it on your own.

Yeah. Which is a good way for a father to be. I think that if you keep on enabling someone, which I was at a young age, that does not help. And he learned that the hard way and now he has his own methods, a different set of methods that he uses. And but they've always been there for me, but it put a lot of strain on our relationship.

Was there a specific moment in there that you realized that your choices were really having an emotional impact on them? Like your decisions were hurting them? Yes, I've always realized it and that's where the selfishness comes in with this. Disgusting really. I'm very ashamed of some of the things I've done that were just selfish all about me. And I didn't think about how it would affect them.

And that was a definite motivator in coming here cuz it isn't all about me. Every decision I make affects a lot of people and we just don't realize it at the time. We can for some reason I can block that out when it's Yeah. Time to focus in on me and get high. Yeah. But it put a gap with me and my dad. My mom would come see me while I was incarcerated. My dad would not, but he would talk to me on the phone, give me advice, and they never stopped loving you. It's a crazy thing.

So the process of rebuilding trust, right? Because forgiveness is obviously something that we can offer instantaneously, right? But we know that on the other side of forgiveness, there's that process of trust. And what I'm hearing from you, my parents have never quit on me. They love me with all everything. On the other end of that, there's a process of rebuilding trust. And so what is that looking like in the moment? Is it starting to rebuild or you're man, there's still a road ahead that I've got to take in order to really rebuild this trust?

Of course, there's a road ahead. This is not my first attempt at getting clean and restarting my walk with Christ. And I have failed before. And I think a lot of rebuilding trust is to listen to what others have to say and let them be involved. Yeah. With decision making and take advice. Not making it all about me. When I have a decision to make, whether it be work related or just something simple, let them have a say.

So, and don't just hear what they have to say, but take the suggestion. Yeah. It gives comfort to them. It lets them see for me that I'm changing because I would never take suggestion in the past. It was always what way I wanted to go. And I think it is a long road. It definitely is. But it's a road God has this has me in this position for a reason. And maybe it's something I need to learn. It's definitely something I need to learn.

Have you noticed any even now like shifts in conversation that you have? Are they getting better, getting healthier? What I'm saying? Now that you're in the spot you're in today. Yes. Yes. I'm not asking you to talk about your It's like ad nauseium, but just that experience, that relationship. No, they're like right now they're on a vacation in Spain enjoying life and they run a restaurant and when I was around in my mess, they wouldn't go on a vacation to Spain because they worry that they're going to get a call that I've ODed and them in the hospital or that I'm going to break into the house or whatever.

Yeah, that's no way for a parent to have to live. I remember my parents saying, I'm sure we've all heard it. I didn't even sleep last night. Yeah. I used to think that was just a saying or something that they said just to But my mom literally did not sleep. My dad would stay up on the couch like I'd come around the house sometimes, sneak on the back porch, and my dad be sitting there wide awake. And I remember realizing that, it's been years now, but that they actually did stay up all night.

And it's nice that they can go have some peace and enjoy their life. Like I took away years from them. And I didn't realize it at the time, but that's the positive of God. And even some of that being rebuilt, right? That's a huge positive.

When Grace Becomes Real: Moving Beyond Condemnation in Christ

And so, let's talk about the grace of God for a second, right? And how because the stories that you've described so far, right? The relapse, the jail, the relationship with the parents still being there even after all the difficulty is a picture of God's incredible grace. And I want to ask you like for you specifically, when did grace become more than just a theory, right? Because we know the songs amazing grace, how sweet the Santa, right? But like personally, when did it become more than just a phrase? And that you really you felt man, this is when I experienced grace. This is when I get it.

Gosh, I off the top of my head, I cannot say the first time, but I just know that I've experienced it many times. Like for just being allowed to being taken out of where I was at. And even though it was not the way that I would have had it happen, going to jail and then coming to a program, but the peace that I got after that, I don't deserve that. I don't deserve to be sitting here right now talking with you. I should be in a jail cell. Yeah.

Do what? And we take a lot of that for granted sometimes, thinking that, oh, I'm just out or this is a normal day. But I'm truly blessed to be where I'm at right now. Yeah. I should not be alive. I've had so many close encounters that it's not even feasible really that I'm sitting here right now. And God has just without a doubt intervened so many times that I cannot deny that I have an amazing God that's been looking out for me. Yeah.

And yeah, grace is a it is amazing. It's a crazy thing that we don't deserve it and God just every day it's something new.

Breaking the Cycle: Don't Believe the Lies, Keep Getting Back Up

So differently forget the break the cycle part. If you're speaking to someone that's stuck in that cycle of relapse, what are you saying to them? I'll say for myself I was do not believe the lies. I think a lot of times I was when I relapsed I was believing a lie that this would be better this time that was what I needed. I feel like every time I've done a drug or substance that I was expecting something that I never got. Yeah.

The end result was never what I got involved for it for. For. For. And afterwards I was I had this condemnation on me and continued the cycle still looking for something that I knew I was never going to get. It's really crazy when you think about it. And then that's when I would get stuck in it. I kept going because I thought that I was worthless and that I had messed up so bad that there was no turning back. And that's not the case.

That's what was done on the cross for us. I there's no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus anymore. And I've already been forgiven for these things that I beat myself up about. I would say just don't keep beating yourself up and get up time and time again. And you just got to keep getting back up, man. That's I don't know how many people and friends that I've lost because they've gone back out once and then they don't stop. They can't bring themselves to face people or to face just telling, "Hey, I messed up again."

And I It is hard. It's one of the hardest things coming back to a program or going back to AA or go wherever it is. Going back to your church and saying, "Guys, I messed up. I need help." Yeah. And the truth is, every time that I've done that, I can't think of a time where people have been "Oh, too bad. We're get out of here." People are welcoming. They're, "Oh gosh, we're so glad you're back. We love you." Yeah. What can we do?

And for some reason, our my brain tells me that this not going to be that way this time. They're they don't like me. They've gone too far. I'm just this horrible person who does not belong in a church. God doesn't want me here. He has no use for me. Yeah. My friends aren't they aren't really my friend. Like I have just the negative of his mind when I get out there. And the devil doesn't want me back.

He wants me to stay out there and to bring as many other souls down with me as I can. And the Lord has other plans. And we just have to believe what the Lord says and keep doing that every day. It's a process of waking up every day and picking up our cross and denying ourselves daily and not buying into to the devil's plans cuz his are easier and his are he'll present them to you to sound pretty good. Yeah.

It's I spoke about this in a sermon a few weeks ago. It's like the prodal rehearsing a speech. Like the Bible condenses that story so much. There's so much depth in it, but it's just a chapter. It's just one chapter. Jesus sharing a parable. But yet, having been a prodal like we put ourselves like mentally like I can put myself in the pig pen and I can experience mentally the emotion of what he must have been going through. Yeah. To come home.

And you just described it perfectly like that coming home, having that conversation, having to admit our failures, having to admit our weaknesses. Like nobody enjoys walking through that, but it is so necessary. You talk about breaking a cycle. It's moving from like shame, condemnation, and guilt, self-medicating to deal with the shame, condemnation, and guilt, which causes more shame, condemnation, and guilt. And it's just this self-defeating, self-re repeating cycle that we run through over and over.

And the crazy thing, this is the interesting part for those watching who may not have dealt with drug addiction. This is the Christian battle with sin, period. Forget just addiction. It's any sin. It's the lustful look at work. It's the lustful look at the girl in the street running down the road with on Yeah, I'm not going to say anything more than that, but what I'm saying? But then the beating yourself up mentally. I shouldn't take I should have taken that look. And then we self-medicate.

And I think yeah, I'm not preaching here, but I think that's one of those battles, man. And that story of that prodal shows the grace of the father, but it also shows the humility and the brokenness of the son. Yeah. And to come back. Yeah. And I think that's such a key part, man. And shifting directions. Just one other question I got for you, man.

A Message to Parents: Love Never Fails

If you could speak to a mom or a dad, maybe not yours, but another one that's watching their child go through what you've gone through and what you're walking what you've walked through. What would you say to them? That's a tough one. It says in the Bible, love never fails. And it seems most situations in life, that's the answer because you can't tell them what to do. You can't make them not do certain things. You can give them the information and the statistics and then you can love them.

And I think that and that seems to be the key is just show them the love of Christ, keep them involved, and keep them around like-minded people. But Jonathan, it's my fault they're using. How do you respond to that? The moms and dads feel that, right? Oh, yeah. So, how do you respond to a mom or dad that may say, "Man, I feel like this is my fault. I caused this."

Well, as a parent, I think that's just going to be a typical response cuz they are we're supposed to take care of our kids. Correct. That's just I do not have kids, but I can imagine that's the feeling that you have is this is my child. I am that's my purpose here on this planet is to take care of this being and to make sure they have the best life possible and that nothing they don't have any harm come their way. So I get that and I guess that is a legit response but on the other hand they are they have free will.

They are their own being and are going to make decisions. And I think that no it's not their fault. Of course, yeah, if you're putting something in your child's hands, that's a different story or having it around the house or something like that. But if you're doing your best job as a parent loving on your kid, and I don't think that you should condemn yourself for your child making a bad decision. Just love on them and let them learn from their decisions.

It's crazy how I've seen it from both angles. I've seen the kid that has the father for the preacher and who becomes a preacher and who has this normal life and then I've seen it go the complete opposite way. What I'm talking about? And I've seen kids who've had drug addict parents who never touch a drug their whole entire life and then I've seen it on the other way. Yeah. Where they wind up being a drug dealer. So it's there's no rhyme or reason I think to it. Yeah.

It's just life and we can only deal with it how either how we want to or how the Bible ask us to deal with it. I think the better bet is just love them. Yeah, that's good. Jonathan, man, I appreciate you sitting down and chatting and yeah, thank you. I know I went deep on some of those questions, but I think it was really good.